February 8th, 2012
11:30 AM ET
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Put the "cute" in charcuterie and the sexy in saucisson sec when you bestow a meat bouquet upon your beloved this Valentine's Day. You surely could arrive on your paramour's doorstep with a song in your heart and a hunk of knockwurst in your sweaty mitts, but we suggest you leave it up to the professionals at Portland's famed (yes, that was them on Portlandia) Olympic Provisions.

KPTV reports that for the bargain price of $75 for a three-stem salami bouquet, or $100 for six, the salumeria will dispatch owner Tyler Gaston - the lead singer of local band The Tumblers - to hand-deliver the "Salamigram," along with a smoking hot rendition of his original song, "Love Is Where the Meat Is."

Should you fear that the troubadour's carnivorous charms might outstrip your own, you're still in luck. Portland locals may opt out of the song or pick up the porky package at Olympic's retail store, and those outside the delivery zone may order online and devise a meaty little ditty for their darling.

We'll get you started. "Roses are red, violets are blue, there's a sopressata in my pocket and..."

You're on your own from there. Post your best meat-related love song lyrics in the comments below and we'll share our favorites in a future post.

Previously - Rise to the occasion with homemade chocolate soufflé

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Filed under: Holidays • Meat • Valentine's Day


soundoff (42 Responses)
  1. ballzdeep

    I know what is 6:" long and won't be getting sucked this Valentine's day – Whitney Houston's crack pipe!

    February 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm | Reply
  2. sylvan finkelstein

    EVERY GIRL NEEDS A GOOD SALAMI EVERY NOW AND THEN...LOL

    February 9, 2012 at 8:51 am | Reply
  3. Obama refinance plan

    In the world involving nation-wide politics, those who identify themselves like a modest share in frequent a number of basic morals. In this post you will find out the main ...spilleautomater online

    February 8, 2012 at 8:10 pm | Reply
    • Mick

      What?

      February 9, 2012 at 10:19 am | Reply
  4. manya

    Meat is neat
    But liquor is quicker
    Better have both
    Before you stick 'er.

    There – I've said it and I'm glad.

    February 8, 2012 at 7:12 pm | Reply
  5. Joe

    Fatty meats like salami, peperoni etc... can actually make us feel more amorous, so when your valentine brings flowers or candy, you should say, where's the salami?

    February 8, 2012 at 7:06 pm | Reply
  6. rudie

    You and I must make a pact
    We must bring the sandwich back,
    Where there is bologna, I'll be there. (I'll be there)

    I'll reach out my ham to you
    I'll have prosciutto too.
    Just ask for pastrami and I'll be there. (I'll be there)

    I'll be there to feed you,
    Build my world of deli meats around you,
    I'm so glad that I found you.

    I'll be there with a love that's smoked,
    I'll be your salceson,
    I'll keep holdin' on. (holdin' on)
    Yes I will

    February 8, 2012 at 6:54 pm | Reply
    • Kat Kinsman

      Hot dog! I believe we have a wiener.

      February 9, 2012 at 12:36 am | Reply
  7. geomartin

    Hey Beavis@Butthead, the entire dity goes like this; If the angle of the dangle is in direct proportion with the heat of the meat and the mass of the ass remains constant, than it's got to be good.

    February 8, 2012 at 6:06 pm | Reply
  8. urmomlol

    (insert salami joke here)

    February 8, 2012 at 5:43 pm | Reply
  9. Jolly

    Roses are red
    just like salami
    When I gave you my log
    We both were jolly

    February 8, 2012 at 5:41 pm | Reply
  10. George

    I sent the roses in a box and chocolates
    but forgot to give her the Salami
    no wander she was not mine she got the salami from some one else

    February 8, 2012 at 5:27 pm | Reply
  11. jj

    A smelly and disgusting gift.

    February 8, 2012 at 5:22 pm | Reply
  12. Slow News Day?

    We're trying to start WW3 with Iran and Syria (Remember, the Axis of Evil?) and you report on salami bouquets. Kudos CNN reporters for keeping us informed on topics that affect our daily lives.

    February 8, 2012 at 4:56 pm | Reply
    • jared

      This is not the only News article of the day. MSM reports on a wide array of subjects and eating/lifestyle happens to be one of them.

      February 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm | Reply
    • Tha Chikin

      That's like saying "Where are we going?? And why are we in this handbasket?"

      It can't be doom and gloom 24/7... still gotta eat!!

      February 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm | Reply
    • So Dumb.

      Thanks for the obligatory "omg, like, this isn't even news" comment. Look at your URL, dumb*ss, it's called EATOCRACY. It's a blog. If you want all world news, burn 1 or 2 calories and click on the WORLD link. The "WW3" news is there if you want it. I for one, clicked because salami is delicious, and BECAUSE I didn't want to read about "WW3" this very second. Goodness, people are so dense.

      February 8, 2012 at 5:19 pm | Reply
      • harvest

        Well said.

        February 8, 2012 at 5:32 pm | Reply
  13. Raquel Welch

    I have Loved Meat since 1 Million B.C. It's ALL Good.

    February 8, 2012 at 4:34 pm | Reply
  14. podunda

    Salami for Valentine's Day – that's funny.

    February 8, 2012 at 4:31 pm | Reply
    • SilentBoy741

      Yeah, I know. I'm sure that even before this article, millions of guys were counting on giving their lady the ol' salami on Valentine's Day. Who green-lights these articles?!?

      February 8, 2012 at 4:45 pm | Reply
  15. Beavis@Butthead

    The angle of the dangle is in direct proportion to the heat of the meat.

    February 8, 2012 at 4:02 pm | Reply
  16. Sir Loin

    Looks like a Busy few Days for me.

    February 8, 2012 at 3:32 pm | Reply
  17. Lynn Ann

    Traditional flowers are the best gift to give, meat bouquets are an abomination, says the Lord.

    February 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm | Reply
    • The Lord™@Lynn Ann

      The last person that put words in my mouth got lit on fire and sent to hell...just sayin'.

      February 8, 2012 at 3:18 pm | Reply
      • Benn

        You trademarked the Lord?! Is nothing sacred anymore? First the Super Bowel flip-off, now this. I'm going to go hide under my bed 'til the apocalypse is over.

        February 8, 2012 at 3:33 pm | Reply
      • Sir Biddle@Benn

        Hope you drive a Chevy Benn.

        February 8, 2012 at 4:00 pm | Reply
  18. The Witty One™

    Meat is neat.

    February 8, 2012 at 2:18 pm | Reply
    • The Smart Aleck@TWO

      Unless it's sloppy. ~_~

      February 8, 2012 at 2:33 pm | Reply
    • Jerv@2

      Only when properly manscaped.

      February 8, 2012 at 2:35 pm | Reply
    • The Witty One™@TSA & Jerv

      I only like neat meat. Sloppy meat just seems to show disregard for the meat in general. Meat should be respected and loved and played with. Proper 'trimming' of the meat, if you will, is critical to enhance the flavor, texture and just the overall meaty experience. After all, I only have one stick of meat so it needs to be properly cared for.

      February 8, 2012 at 2:43 pm | Reply
      • Jerv@2

        Gawd dayum! Too funny!

        February 8, 2012 at 2:52 pm | Reply
      • The Smart Aleck@TWO & Jerv

        If handled correctly, sloppy meat = happy meat. Take care of it afterwards, most delicately, and it becomes neat meat again. ~_~

        February 8, 2012 at 3:00 pm | Reply
  19. AleeD®

    There once was a man from Nantucket
    Couldn't carry a tune in a bucket
    He went all the way
    On one Lover's Day
    And smoked for her a great brisket.

    February 8, 2012 at 12:55 pm | Reply
  20. Sir Biddle

    Yeeeaaaaaa a Portlandia shout out.

    We can pickle that!

    February 8, 2012 at 12:50 pm | Reply
  21. Vegann

    Yes, because nothing says love, like congestive heart failure,

    February 8, 2012 at 12:41 pm | Reply
    • csnord

      Vegans die from heart failure, too, and they usually end up with a bunch of other health complications.

      February 8, 2012 at 4:49 pm | Reply
    • Sorcha

      Or self-righteousness!

      February 8, 2012 at 4:50 pm | Reply
    • atroy

      Nothing says self-righteous like preaching veganism.

      February 8, 2012 at 5:44 pm | Reply
    • mcrops

      At least I won't be in the hospital, end of life, dying of nothing.

      February 8, 2012 at 8:48 pm | Reply

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