 Starve a fever, feed a cold. So goes the conventional wisdom, but what's on the menu for a wounded heart? Post-funeral meal rituals vary wildly - not just from pole to pole and faith to faith, but from mourner to mourner. Some families decamp to a restaurant, too overwhelmed to tidy a house or light a stove. Some can barely wend their way through their kitchen for all the foil-covered dishes borne over by neighbors doing what they can to fill the suddenly hollow space in a once-full home. Others gather around coffee urns and cookie plates in church basements and V.F.W. halls and some simply sidle off quietly, too shaken and broken to imagine they'll ever have the strength to eat again. The lay crowd was small - just family and a few faculty members. Stonehill College in Easton, Massachusetts houses Father Bill's order, but the bulk of his teaching and Catholic ministry had been at King's College in Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania. So there were no grieving parishioners bearing covered potluck dishes of funeral potatoes, raisin-studded funeral pies, hard boiled eggs or sheet cakes. After the burial, we wended our saddened way to a common area of the priests' residence for a communal meal. Father Moody, a priest who my uncle had mentored over the course of several decades, stopped me for a moment outside. "I know you're a food editor, so this probably won't be up to your usual standards, but we've done the best we can." "Nononononono...don't worry." I promised. "I am grateful for everything you've done today. Fanciness of food is the very last thing I'm worried about today." That's true on a day of grief, or any day, for that matter - especially if someone is kind enough to cook for me. It surely would not have ruffled Father Bill. He was a gentle man who enjoyed an occasional cold beer, but allowed himself almost nothing else in the way of creature comforts. He took his order's vow of poverty to heart. Meals out with him were to diners and pancake houses and ended with a battle to grab the check - and he'd never ever let me win. Father Moody led me inside, where my family and many of the priests had already gathered around circular wooden tables and were eating, solemnly. He showed me the lay of the land - a buffet of cold cuts and sandwich makings, a salad bar, a cart full of fresh fruit and cookies, and a bowl of iced soft drinks. He gestured to the lone chafing dish on the table. "And that's American chop suey." I'd never heard it called that before, but it looked for all the world to me to be the beefaroni I'd grown up eating at my family's table. It's not pretty, elegant or fancy stuff - just ground beef, elbow macaroni and tomato sauce cooked together in a skillet or a casserole dish. I'd been too sad to eat that morning, and suddenly, I was ravenous. I put some on my plate and sat down with my family. Moments before, it had seemed wrong to do something so life affirming and self indulgent as eating - especially something at all delicious - while Father Bill had suffered for so long and would never sit down to a meal again. Penance was clearly in order, enough plain water and bread to keep breathing and walking, but nothing else. But someone had clearly made this dish - stood at the stove and cooked this comforting food, knowing that some grieving people would need to eat. I took a forkful. It was humble, delicious and solid and tasted as if it were made with love. Father Bill would have approved. I cleaned my plate. In your family or community, do people have a post-funeral food ritual? Please share it in the comments below. |
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I've told my daughter that I don't want an actual funeral, just for everybody to get together, set up a bar, serve all my favorites (Philly cheesesteaks and chocolate top the list), and good music. I want it to be a party-no formality, nothing like that. A keg party with a lot of Springsteen would sum me up pretty well and it'll provide them with a lot of laughs.
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I understand the kindness of people dropping off food for the family that seems helpful since they probably don't feel like cooking...but the funeral luncheon after just seems like something I could not do if I had to plan a funeral...just seems like I have been to so many where the family seems overwhelmed with the whole luncheon thing, I have even seen instances where there was competition as to who was going to plan and so the luncheon...just my thoughts
I am from GA and I must say that southerners usually stick with traditions. When someone passes away in our family, it usually takes at least seven days before the funeral is actually performed b/c it custom to contact as many family and friends to attend, if possible. Most guests (close ones) bring covered dishes for everyone to enjoy. We consider funerals to be a form of a reunion and a time to laugh, remember and feast together. I have never known anyone to cry after the funeral because we always talk about the good times. The host (child, spouse or parent) of the home would have enough food to last at least three days, before having the energy to cook for themself. Eating after a funeral and celebrating life will always be our family tradition. What could be better than being with the Lord with no more pain or suffering. God Bless!
Funeral potatoes and Ham made with love from all the ladies at church!!!!! Even when they don't know your family. It is like a giant hug. When my baby died we had so much food we did not know where to put it. Ironic since I didn't want to eat. But when someone put hot food in front of me that they lovingly prepared while thinking about me and my grief I ate it with gratitude. It was so nice when my family started coming in for the funeral that they could go in the kitchen and find just about any comfort food that has ever been. The kindness of others really sustained me. I can not imagine though the grieving family catering a gathering afterwards. It is hard enough just being with others much less having to host a party.
My mother laid in a coma in January 2009 in Germany. I got on a plane and raced to be by her side. After 10 days of being able to celebrate her at the hospital, she went on in her sleep. During that time my girlfriend since 6th grade and her family took me in, fed me home made southern German food(roasts, gravies,sauces,and home made spaetzle ), made sure I slept (nothing like a shot of Cointreau to a non drinker before bed time to knock you out).
After my Mom went on and an entire apartment with 45 years worth of love and memories had to be emptied, the best thing was her boyfriend of 17 years coming by with a warm meal from a traditional restaurant and us sharing a meal, laughing and crying about this sweet wonderful little dynamite stick of a woman. If it hadn't been for all those loving, kind people feeding me and taking care of me, I think I could have easily lost my mind.
I will never stop being grateful for all they have done for me.
My father was a professional chef in his life, so when he passed away two years ago, it was interesting to see who came to his viewing and memorial service. Both events (seems weird to call them events) were packed with people from his past and present, for whom he'd cooked a meal. It was so neat to see everyone who had that common thread over 25 years come together to celebrate his life. After the memorial service, we had a pot luck lunch at my parents' church, with traditional, homemade church luncheon staples (crock pot meatballs, casseroles, etc.) I have a tough time eating when I'm sad, but I was definitely touched by the gesture everyone made to cook to honor my dad's memory.
These days, I will go through my dad's recipes and make healthier versions for my family, as my own memorial for him. I also have his professional knives that I use daily in my home kitchen.
THank you for sharing.
I lost my grandfather in February from a stroke in the beginning of the month and died at the end of the month. What happened to me when I lost PopPop, I just couldn't stop eating. Two nights before his funeral, I literally ate until I was sick. Sometimes, when I think of him, I still just can't do anything but eat.
In my will, I have 1000$ set aside for pizza from a local mom and pop place, ice cream from the local dairy and beer/soda.
When I go down, I want people to have a good time. It's the least I can do.
Please don't die Santa....
At my mother's graveside service, I told the few who attended that I could not offer them hospitality. They understood and ddin't expect to be fed.
After my grandfather's funeral in England, someone arranged for a fish-and-chips van to park in the driveway and feed the guests who came back to my grandmother's house. Everyone went out, put their orders in, and then ate fish and drank tea.
Seventy-five years ago, when someone passed away, you generally had close family and friends that came to the home for a bite of lunch after the funeral service and everyone brought a dish, but now not only do you have the high cost of a funeral , so many people attend you cannot possibly have them in your home, so you feel obligated to have a luncheon at a restaurant. In my experience we have paid over $1,500. to feed people on top of the cost of the funeral services and burial..
Im with ya. I work at a funeral home and it's embarassing how expensive stuff can be. The catering packages that they offer are ridiculously expensive – no wonder no one takes them and I truly do not blame them. Dwindling away are the days of a "wake" with comfort food and family and friends. It saddens me.
I am a chef for a catering company. A recent trend has been to call a catering company to provide a meal for the mourners. Normally it's a family member but not the spouse who calls. We probably do 6-10 a year these days, but 10 years ago, it was almost unheard of.
We just started selling these packages to our families @ the Funeral Home I work at. No one has bought them – and I don't suspect many here will. While its a good idea I also think family and friends prepared foods mean more at the time of need.
I hate the whole food thing after funerals...my Mom is actively dying now, and I am already dreading the people over at the house... I don't mind my closest of friends and relatives, but those who I barely know that are going to show up will be a burden, no matter how well meaning they are....I actually live in a small town with well to do parents, so I can only think of the "snoopers"...
In my home country of Panama, we do not have these big meals after a funeral. In 1987 when I first came here, coming from a catholic home, the whole food experiece and the gathering felt like a big party. Although, I am more used to it, I still feel the same way as you. I would not want to have a home gathering at my house if any of my close relatives died. I would prefer just to come back to my house without feeling the stress of having to host a huge gathering. After a funeral one is usually overwelmed with emotions and the whole experience is extremely tiring. A nice bath and a comfy bed might be a better idea for me as a way to relax to begin the healing process. I would welcome the idea of someone dropping by a dish, but I do not want to feel obligated to visit.
I understand your frustration and of course you have the right. Maybe to make it well understood, have it in the announcements or word of mouth that cards and such to be left at the church. Or just stay longer at the church...eventually, they will go home without you saying much. Just a thought and my prayers goes out to your family for peace during this precious time...God Bless!
Anyone who has not been through the grief process might not understand the importance of the funeral meal. Usually, there have been days of total lack of appetite....dealing with grief and loss. The meal after the funeral is meant to be life-affirming, a step away from death and back towards life. I think it's a basic human drive, part of our DNA.
i'm surprised that nobody has mentioned the Jewish custom of a meal of condolence. Mourners in our tradition eat a small meal immediately upon coming home from the cemetery. It is usually things that are round and signify the circle of life– hard boiled eggs and lentils are what I've seen most frequently.
When I was a teenager, I didn't understand the "after the funeral food ritual" seemed strange and vaguely disrespectful; over time, I realized it's importance. Just when you think you couldn't eat a thing, setting down with friends and family is a healing experience. So much better than abruptly leaving after the service to cry alone.
Both sides of my family are large and far-flung, so ANY family gathering (wedding, funeral, what-have-you) involves food and lots of it. My southern father's family tends to serve variants of fried chicken, BBQ, and other traditional southern comfort foods; my mid-western mother's family leans heavily toward casseroles. BOTH sides also have a bounty of cakes, pies, and cookies. I was raised to take a dish over to any family connected to my life in times of emergency, and I can't tell you how many people I have heard say that friends who bring food are a great comfort to them. Nobody feels like cooking at those times and anything you can do to help them through the bad days is a kindness.
I was raised Minnesota Lutheran. Typically, Lutheran churches have a potluck for funerals with hot dishes (casseroles for non-Minnesotans), brownies, and jello. Hot dishes are the ultimate Minnesota comfort food. It's the stuff Mom made when you were coming home from school on a really cold winter's day. Tator tot hotdish, green bean hotdish, calico beans, chicken & rice...all that, are typically Minnesotan. We don't all like lutefisk, although most Minnesotans will eat lefse (a thin potato-pancake you have to make on a lefse griddle, and people typically put butter and sugar on it and roll it up). Lefse is probably terribly unhealthy, but it's comfort food nevertheless. It's not an every-day food, it's something you eat only on Thanksgiving or Christmas while visiting your grandparents who still actually make it from scratch.
For a Lutheran, life on this earth ends with a bowl of potato salad, yes. And it's a bland potato salad too, not much mustard, not much bell pepper or pickle, certainly no horseradish, not much to give any flavor lest the flavor offend someone in the crowd. And it's made with Miracle Whip, not mayo, because mayo can go bad if left out and we wouldn't want to poison someone at a funeral. So, there it is, there it always is, that bowl of potato salad. If you are Lutheran, be you a common man or a titan of industry or a pilar of the church, there is, waiting for you, that same bowl of potato salad. And there's something comforting about that and about it.
My grandpa was known for making a delicious beer bread which we always looked forward to when visiting my grandparents. Living in a small community, he would often bake it and take to visit friends or surprise someone with a loaf in their mailbox. No one knew what the secret was, but never could get it quite as good as his. We reckoned maybe it was the old loaf pans that my great grandmother had used, but surely it was something else special- his own hands that made it. The pastor of our church came to visit him one day and grandpa showed him how to make it. When grandpa passed last month, the pastor who was also a friend- came over to my grandma's and asked to borrow the pans to make beer bread for the lunch after the memorial service that he was about to give for my grandpa. It was such a kind and meaningful gesture, and grandpa would have been so pleased to know someone thought to serve beer bread that day.
When my mother passed away 3 years ago we put on the highest high tea we could, pulled out all the china and teapots and made fresh scones, pastries and finger sandwiches, she would have loved it. It was so hard, but such a wonderful way for us to show the world how much we loved her.
My dad's side of the family are Mennonite, and you can't beat them for putting on brunch after a funeral! You've never seen so much food in your life- And all homemade!
I'm Episcopalian, and in my parish we have a brunch/reception after a funeral. I usually bring something like a quiche- light but full of protein, but no meat, in case there's vegetarians.
I think it's all about comfort, and celebration. How better to celebrate someone than with a meal with friends and family?
I was raised in a small town in western PA and there was almost always a meal, put on by friends of the family. It help the morners at a hard time. Many time the conversasions would turn to tlaking about the good times had with the deseased and helped the family to start the healing process.
Whenever Friends or family pass on , The family of the deceased usally opens their home after the rosary service for mourners to gather where a meal, usally prepared by family or friends is served.
Then the after the funeral and burial service mourners gather usually at a hall or sometimes the families home for the mercy meal that is sometimes catered or prepapred by family or friends. After meals coffee is usually served as well.
Loved the article. And the comments.
Reminded me of a funeral I went to about a month ago....... a former babysitter (native Italian) who was in her 90s. We traveled about 5 hours to get there, went to the wake, funeral.... and were surprised when the attendees were invited to dinner at a Greek restaurant about 20 minutes away. Greek!!!!! Well, no fear, it was actually Greek/ Italian. Her companion told me that it had been her favorite place, and a weekly haunt after she had her hair styled. There were about 40 of us. The meal was ordering off the menu, with appetizers pre-ordered, open bar, sit down seating, and at least one course....flaming hot cheese munchies of some type... "on the house". The conversation was great. We sat with people we had never met. I introduced myself to some long time neighbors and to the two women who had been writing cards for her/ reading my postcards and other notes for years. I got to tell stories about her that no one else would have known...... how she used to make her salad by first rubbing garlic around the side of the bowl, how she had lots of filled candy dishes in her apartment, how she faked reading for me from comic books given she couldn't read English, how the apartment always smelled like food. My husband had met her at our wedding and knew that I had visited her over the years, but this reminiscing was great for him as well. Thank you for letting me relieve that memory again.
Funerals, and often wakes, have always been followed by coffee and food in my family as well. I always viewed it as people wanting to take care of the loved ones of the deceased, never as "filling a void" until I read this but that does seem to fit well. Our post funeral meals have always been varied, people bring roast or casseroles, meat and cheese trays, and always something special for the immediate family that is simple to reheat and can be kept for a while for when they don't feel like cooking or assembling. And of course the meals are always filled with talk and stories, laughter and tears, but it is really a chance for the family to heal a bit before going back to their everday lives. Our family usually gathers for the remainder of the day, sometimes into the night, grieving and sharing. I do remember one meal that was made when my grandmother passed away very fondly. One of my best friends dropped off a breakfast casserole of hash browns, sausage, eggs, and probably more. It was a blessing before the funeral which was early morning/noon and between the rushing and general grief no one wanted to stop and prepare a breakfast.
In the Mormon church, a funeral is usually followed by a lunch at the church for the family and close friends of the deceased. I have eaten these meals, and been grateful for the food, the time spent with my relatives and the distinct closure it offers for the end of the funeral service. Having been on the receiving end of this gracious gift, I gladly make food when it's my turn to help out at a funeral luncheon at our church, whether I know the family or not. I appreciate ending the event with a shared meal, shared memories and good feelings of togetherness.
I've had some of the best food (mostly desserts) at funeral dinners (repasts). At my uncle's, it was Red Velvet Cake. I was younger and may have had it before but that was the one I remembered. When my mother died, someone brought a Black Russian Cake. I had to have the recipe. There was so much to think about and my heart was heavy. It was nice was people to care and the comfort food worked as it was intended.
this is exactly why i hardly read eatocracy anymore, the snarkiness abounds; even for something as common among humans as death is....i am done sorry Kat.
White Blaze, we must never give into the heartless snarks. I will not wish them the same grief that others have had, nor berate them for their apparent heartlessness. Heaven only knows what prompts people to lash out at others who have done them no harm, but they are to be pitied.
My grandpa's family was Polish Catholic. I think that's part of the reason the funeral meals on that side of the family were always huge. The best part of the meal was seeing family we hadn't seen in awhile (sometimes since the last family funeral). The adults would all tell stories about the uncle or aunt that had passed away and those always led to the 'do you remember when so and so did such and such' stories. I learned more about my mom's childhood from the stories her cousins told that from anything she ever told me. To me family funerals were never about mourning someone's passing, but rather about celebrating their lives and how they touched your life.
When my brother died, eating was the LAST thing on my mind. The 2 things that stand out though: The morning of the funeral, a woman stopped by at 630a with a basket of fresh, still-warm biscuits and homemade applesauce. She said that every one really needed to eat, but no one would want to be in the kitchen. It was impossible to pass up the aroma! The other was a tray of deli meats and cheese with some hard rolls. We found ourselves hungry at the strangest times and that hit the spot perfectly.
Check out Kate Campbell singing "Funeral Food". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfWBwEJmNxk
Check out Kate Campbell singing "Funeral Food". http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OfWBwEJmNxk My favorite is my cousin's green bean caserole.
When my father passed in July, we had a reception dinner at a ridiculously tasty Mexican restaurant. Of course, in south Texas, that *is* comfort food.
My mother is violently opposed to after funeral eating (I don't know why) and has threatened to come back and haunt me if I feed her mourners. Is that normal? It is acceptable?
Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You can abide by her wishes to whatever extent gives you and your family comfort. My sister is a minister in an assisted living facility and she has residents say "I told my children I don't want a funeral" – she says "you have to let them mourn the way they need to – if you tell them that, they will feel guilty and they don't need that on top of the grief".
I'm sorry for your loss. It's wonderful that you have such warm memories of your uncle to comfort you. It warmed my heart to read your kind words of appreciation for the humble dish of "funeral food."
for years when I was little, when I saw a full size tray of baked ziti and fresh italian bread, i was scared. Thats what my mom made when someone died. It was quick, hearty and could feed family of 4 for days or about 12 people in one sitting. It was also comfort food. A carb and riccota/mozzarella induced food coma helped you deal with all the relatives (most of whom you didnt know anyway) and made you sleepy enough to just pass out. sometimes thats all you need.
There's a wonderful book-Being Dead Is No Excuse-that illustrates that death/food connection in the southeastern US.
I've always considered it a nice gesture from those who prepare a meal for the family and friends after a funeral. There's so much on your mind at that time. Like the author says, everyone mourns in their own way. To me, sitting down to a meal with all the family that has gathered is wonderful.
I agree. Arranging and enduring a funeral is exhausting, and sharing a meal afterward with family and close friends is very comforting.
I'll never forget that my mothers oncologist joined us for the funeral and a luncheon afterward. I mean, she deals with dying patients all the time, but she had treated my mother for 12 years and I think Mom was one of her favorite patients. It meant a lot that she was there – and it wasn't exactly around the corner from where she lived, either (about an hour and a half away).
And where is the compassion? Its not just Americans that have a luncheon after a funeral. I've been to funerals with no meal afterward its all in what the family wants. There are cultures that have a 3 day long meal before the funeral. Please get your facts straight.
get a life
The act of coming together and sharing a meal can be comforting. It's a time to sit down and remember the loved one, talk about him or her, and yes, sometimes even cry. Doesn't matter what kind of food it is, if someone takes the time to prepare it and bring it to the communal table, that means love. I'm not a good cook, but am getting to the age where I do take some (prepared) chicken, or make a casserole to take to the family if I can. It's my way of comforting without being intrusive.
Wow, this is SOOO American, using any excuse to stuff thy face...my God. If I lost a loved one among those who in this world who are the only things truly dear to me, food would be the last thing on my mind.
STFU retard, plenty of other countries have a meal after a funeral.
Cut out the "R" word. It is hurful and betrays your ignorance.
yes, one can only hope karma will curse you with a truly "retarded" child and you just may learn to stop tossing around this ignorant insult
Well, that's all fine and dandy for you. No need to be nasty about it and expect everyone to grieve just like you.
Kat, I have very fond memories of going to Catholic funeral dinners with my grand parents the summer of '76. Thank you so much for a great read.
Well, shame on you for being so hateful. I am Polish and we still talk about some of the funeral meals after our loved one's services. It is a comfort!
I can relate to you Jorge, food would be the last thing on my mind. Americans eats for everything.
Your lack of empathy is disturbing along with you spelling and grammar skills.
your
That is exactly why you need to eat food afterwards. When my mom died I didn't sleep for a week. I was in grief and me and my family planned the wake and funeral. It was comforting after it was over to have food already made. I could have some down time to talk with family and friends. The comfort isn't like about the food itself fulfilling something. It is just down time after you go through some trauma. When loose someone you will understand.
Food can be the last thing on your mind, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't eat. If it weren't for the plates of cold cuts, veggies and fruit that people dropped off – no one in my family would have thought to eat for days after my mother died. In fact, my sister who traveled a day and half in a car got in had forgotten to eat for the entire trip.
No one has to eat if they don't want to, Jorge. And eating is an American thing? People in your culture....and I assume that you are living someplace else, and not iin this terrible country that you clearly have no love for...don't eat? People grieve in different ways, and none of them is right or wrong. I'm glad that in my American culture people are able to show compassion and tenderness for one another. How sad for you that yours does not.
Hello, Kat, I am a friend and past coworker of your Aunt Polly, and I have met your uncle Billy on a few occasions, too. Polly shares some of your stories with me, and being a fledgling writer myself, I am always amazed at how creatively you put words together that illumiate the human connection point, and tug on the heartstrings. Post funeral meals in my experience have almost always been church basement affairs with each person contributiong their "specialty" dish. And it IS comforting, both the food and the fellowship. However, my brother-in-law, who was born and raised in Ireland would have none of that at his funeral! Instead, a portionof the insurance money was set aside for a full-blown party at a fancy restaurant, including an open bar, appetizers, and a 5-course meal. The alcohol seemed to be what people needed to open up and share stories about Wes. I think he was there with us, offering up toasts ...
I don't remember a funeral I've attended that wasn't followed by some type of luncheon. It's not just the food that comforts, but the time to talk about the person we lost with others there feeling the same way. I've alwasy considered it the beginning of the grieving process.
How very true, Pam. I remember one meal after a memorial service that meant a great deal to me. Not because of the food, but the time spent with people who knew my friend well, and who had wonderful memories to share of him. Breaking bread together as a communal act is universal, we eat when we have weddings and births and we celebrate lives at their end.
Cooking meals for the bereaved also takes that burden from them to provide for themselves in their hour of pain. It's a kindness.
Post-funeral luncheons are always filled with "comfort food". As the author explains, during the funeral, the last thing on your mind is eating. After the final goodbyes, you enter a space reserved for such a purpose (such as a VFW hall or church basement), and you suddenly realize you're starving, and what you want is food that makes you feel good. One of the last funeral luncheons I attended, for my husband's grandmother, was filled with fried chicken, mac-n-cheese, the said beefaroni casserole, scalloped potatoes, pasta salads, etc. After a cold and drizzly afternoon at the cemetery, this food was perfect.
The funeral luncheons I "miss" the most (as though people would miss funeral luncheons!) were the ones for the Polish side of my family, most of whom lived in Milwaukee, WI. Polish sausage, pierogies, German potato salad–all Slavic/Germanic comfort food. At my grandmother's funeral, I actually asked the caterers if I could take some authentic Polish sausage home with me (in another state), as I missed it very much from when my grandparents were alive and I used to eat it at their house.
Many on that side of the family have since passed away, so I doubt I will return to Milwaukee for that sort of meal any time soon–not that I would look forward to such an occasion.
My mom always made "the funeral casserole", although she didn't know that's what we called it. Jimmy Dean Sausage, Deluxe Mac and Cheese, Rotel tomatoes from a tv guide ad. It sounds horrible, but it's like your chop suey recipe: filling and comforting. I'm sorry for your loss.
Anything with Rotel tomatoes in it has to be good!
Ya gotta eat.
I remember the lunch that the church ladies served after my grandpa's funeral. There was such an awesome array of foods that it was almost overwhelming. I always thought it showed how much the deceased was loved and how much care there was for the surviving family and friends. My grandpa's family was/is Catholic and every family funeral was followed by a communal meal in the community hall/basement. God bless the ladies who put those meals together.
Yes, I have memories as a child of going to the exact same kinds of Catholic funeral dinners. Amazing people, food and memories. Thanks Houstonian!
When my best friend's father passed away in May, I left the internment and headed straight for frozen yogurt and a glass of wine. I remember they served lunch at the reception but I couldn't tell you what I ate – if I ate anything.
Writing is such a wonderful way to pay tribute to people we love. Thank you for sharing your story.
My passed away in June and I have never seen so much food in my life. The Church Ladies at her church all meet at the church and prepare the same items every time and they deliver them. Such a blessing and shows how much people care. But the only draw back was having to return the bowls to the people. Throwaway bowls would be best.
*my Mom passed away.
My heart is with you–my husband passed June 19 and it is the most difficult thing I have endured. Your Mother will be with you always.
When my grandma was in her final week of hospice care this past January, long-time friends dropped by with meatloaf, shredded chicken, desserts and soups. We never had to worry about cooking, since we were constantly back and forth between her home and the assisted living facility. It was so easy to reheat something, eat quickly, and get back to her bedside. After she passed in early February, the ladies from her church's Christian Women's Fellowship set up a calendar – a woman from CWF would stop by every day with food for us: macaroni salad, breakfast casserole, cookies, sloppy joes...They even brought plates, plastic cutlery, drinks, cups and napkins. For the funeral, the CWF prepared a meal for us at the church. We came back after the graveside service and had the simple but comforting potluck foods that were prepared for us. It amazed me that entire week how her friends saw to our every need...it was a reflection on what kind of woman my Grandma was and how much she was loved by her friends.
I once officiated at a funeral (in the Episcopal Church) where the family requested we be served baklava. The explanation give was that the deceased person had an Orthodox Christian background and this had been a custom in his childhood. The symbolism was in the honey – food of the Promised Land, which we all wait to enter.
Every Catholic funeral I've attended was followed by the 'ritual' meal in the church basement... from my grandfather's time to current day. The "church ladies" would prepare their specialties, a few would coordinate so that there was variety, and a filling, home-cooked meal was had by all. When my children were small, I was one of the "church ladies," preparing or bringing whatever I was assigned – sometimes a dessert, a relish tray, condiments – delivering it the morning before the funeral, and picking up the squeaky clean serving dishes the day after.
I have many fond memories of sitting in church basements, reminiscing about lost loved ones and feeling the general warmth and love that went into that food. If any "church ladies" are reading this, my heartfelt thanks for your kindness and generosity during tough times!
It s called a Mercy meal where i was raised usually fish at a local restaurant w/ family & close friends Coffee & sweets afterwards Sort of simple but people enjoy it even if the mood is somber
My family tends toward the church basement filled with foil dishes of casseroles and trays upon trays of cookies prepared by every sweet little old lady at the church. When my grandpa passed away nearly 2 years ago, we literally had a mound of cookies and heaps of mac n cheese, goulash and easy to make casseroles. And, it was exactly what we needed – the good comfort food to comfort us during a difficult time. I've taken to preparing my homemade mac n cheese with broccoli and spinach and onions now for a family who is going through a difficult time, just like my grandma did.
So sorry for your loss. To me, eating at a funeral has always had such symbolism - by taking the time to feed yourself, you're actively picking yourself up and healing, acknowledging that life is going to go on. In Singapore, where I grew up, food is a big part of funerals and wakes - many of which stretch over seven days and start early in the morning, going late into the night. Guests are typically served porridge (congee) and tea - ultimate comfort food.
What a coincidence! I'm Singaporean too. Back then my Grandmother passed away in 2006 and I flew back to malaysia for the funeral dinner. (My mother was malaysian so I was only able to visit my relatives twice a year). She was a Taoist so there were dishes such as cold jellyfish, roast pork and the likes. To be honest, my appetite that day was better than usual, as if I was attending a wedding banquet. I don't know why, but it seemed the dinner was more like a celebration. Maybe it was my grandma that didn't want us to go haggard over it so she sort of made us happier after all the cryng in the morning and afternoon. She was battling lung cancer for the past deacde and probably felt it was a relief and wanted us to feel the same way. Maybe.
I nearly lost both of my paremts the week before father's day. (my dad had his 3rd heart attack. They're truck drivers & had a load that was a major inhalation/poison hazard. Thankfully my mom was driving and they're ok now for the most part.
I just couldn't eat for like 2 days. I was so worried about him.