My grand entrance into the culinary world was a sham.
Scrambled eggs were the first thing I ever cooked by myself as a child, my mother standing over me assuring the dish was simple, quick and hard to mess up. She was right - I certainly didn't mess them up, but the scrambled eggs I made were the rubber tires on the Rolls Royce of œufs to come.
Allow me to let you in on a little secret. The best scrambled eggs take up to half an hour to make, the slower the better and they're really good with cream and butter.
Picture perfect scrambled eggs are unfussy to prepare; they merely require a little extra time to go from monotonous to symphonic, everyday to special occasion.
I first learned about real scrambled eggs watching Ina Garten prepare one of her many Hamptons brunches - on television, mind you. I haven't looked back since.
The process is a simple one. Slow and steady wins the race.
In a bowl, gently whisk the eggs with salt, pepper and a couple of tablespoons of cream. You want to incorporate the ingredients just enough so the colors swirl, but not enough to make it frothy.
Melt a generous chunk of butter in a large skillet. Reduce to the lowest of low heat settings and pour the mixture in, stirring, nay folding, only occasionally to prevent the bottoms from sticking to the pan. Depending on the heat of your stove, twenty-ish minutes later, the end result should be the eggs have slightly firmed up - but still look a little wet.
Serve these buttery scrambled eggs with warm biscuits spread with butter and jam. Right before they hit the table, fold in another tablespoon of butter until it melts. Just because you can.
A few additional ground rules for optimal egg-eating:
Eggs need to be eaten moments after leaving the pan. Never eat cold eggs (unless they're deviled) - lest I remind you of those scrambled tawny lumps in chafing dishes seen from sea to shining Marriott pool.
Scrambled eggs are not limited to the breakfast table. They're BLD appropriate - that's breakfast, lunch and dinner to you. We've all had those scrambled eggs kinds of days: you get home and convince yourself you would simply pass out mid-mise-en-place because of lack of energy, and it's a tad too late for momentous culinary feats. Scrambled eggs take five ingredients, two of which are salt and pepper. Even on your most woeful of days, you can do it - scout's honor.
No ketchup. Just like I believe barbecue should only have vinegar, salt and pepper, I hold the same purist belief in my eggs. Save yourself the time and microwave your eggs if you want to release the condiment Kraken.
What it hard-boils down to is no brazen seasoning - just eggs, technique and timing. Oh, and butter helps too.
How do you cook - or order - your eggs?