When we posted a recent lunchtime poll on open vs cash bars vs booze-free weddings, little did we know how shaken, stirred and generally muddled-up our readers would be on the subject.
Over 37,000 votes and 330 comments later, a tippling majority toppled the teetotalers, demanding a reasonable level of libation. Most maintain that if guests are going to the time and expense of attending nuptials, the least the happy couple can do is make sure they don't have to peck their way through the Chicken Dance stone cold sober.
Are you irked if there isn't an open bar at a wedding reception?
Beer and wine are fine, so long as they keep flowing freely. 38%
A full, open bar is a must, but I understand if that's too pricey. Cash bar is fine. 23%
I get annoyed if there isn't a full, open bar. No excuse for that. 15%
Dry weddings are just fine with me. 8%
I don't mind paying for beer and wine. 8%
No booze, no me. 5%
A dry wedding is a pain, but I'll deal. 3%
Quoth our commenters:
Suck it up for their special day
Clint
At weddings the idea is to honor the bride & groom, not bankrupt them. Other the Champagne, a wedding is not a free ride, pay for your own drinks.
Lydia
Maybe it's just me, but a wedding isn't about what the guest wants... it's the bride and groom's day. It's to celebrate two people making a lifelong (we hope) commitment to each other, not about an all-you-can-drink booze buffet. If the lack of an open bar is enough to put a person off from going to a wedding, then how selfish are they? The last thing a bride and groom need on their special day is someone who doesn't honestly give a damn about them sloshed out of his or her mind at THEIR party on THEIR dime.
Luke
Seriously? People who get annoyed when they have to drop five bucks for a drink at a wedding need to sort out their priorities in life.
It's gauche to neglect the guests; scale back accordingly
Candace
This is pretty indicative of the Bridezilla attitude that prevails. "How dare you want to have fun at MY wedding! You're supposed to just focus on ME ME ME!"
I don't necessarily think that a wedding has to have a full open bar, but I think the happy couple should be concerned that their guests have a good time.
Joan
They're going to think you're cheap – because you are. Why not charge people by the piece for hors d' oeuvres while you're at it. That way, you can make sure that you're not going to be charged for big eaters either.
kathleenrizzo
I have no problem going to a dry wedding, I have a problem with you inviting me to your party, and then asking me to help pay for the way you want it to be. Would you ever ask your guests to help pay for the bride's gown so she can have the one she wants? Same thing.
k
You cheap b*****s. Pay for your guests' f'n drinks. What the h*ll is the point of going to a wedding? No one gives a crap besides you and/or your parents.
RM
I'd even rather it be dry than make people pay. Even if you can just afford beer/wine or a single champagne toast or something that's fine, but please don't make people pay for something when you've invited them to a party.
There's a great wedding for every budget. If you can't afford open bar for 200 people, invite less people or alter your beverage plan.
Delight23
TACKY! Do not invite me to your wedding if you cannot afford to have me there. Be realistic about your budget. If you cannot afford to provide food AND beverages for your wish list number of guests, take a realistic gander at the list of guests and go from there.
notsonewlywed
Glad you cheapos aren't my friends. Husband and I paid for our own wedding, including an open bar. Figured it was the LEAST we could offer our closest friends and family as a thanks for joining us in celebrating a day that was all about us.
What you Don't do is ask your guests to pay for drinks at your party. Your wedding isn't a fund raiser.
Defense against the over-imbibers
Nell
It's just so low brow to not treat your guests like guests. If you are so concerned about people getting tanked, then maybe you should question what caliber of people you are inviting.
Gabi
Just because there is an open bar, it is *not* an open invitation to get "s***faced". Most adults know how to drink in moderation and most wedding guests are not college frat boys.
Angela
We decided on a "dry" wedding because we both have several family members who are recovering alcoholics and we wanted to respect their sobriety. My husband doesn't drink, and I drink very rarely so there was no need for us to have alcohol, either.
I have been to three weddings this year and at every single one the bride and groom drank the night away. At one of them, the bride got into a fight at the bar. At another one, the groom and groomsmen fought some guys at a bar, sending the bride away in tears.
Quid pro quo
Jeff S.
I generally follow the "cover your plate" rule when it comes to gifting. If you have hot dogs, chips, pop, and Aunt Edna taking snapshots at your reception, at a cost of $6/person, I'll be there, and we'll give you $25. If you have a reception with a DJ, open bar, 5 course dinner, dessert table, and an aesthetically pleasing atmosphere and you're paying $100 per person, you're going to get $200+ from us.
Tina
One of my good friends got married recently and it cost me roughly $500 to be in her wedding. A few glasses of wine at the reception is hardly freeloading.
portalpunk
Just let me know if its a cash bar before I buy your gift, what comes around goes around. Open Bar = Fancy Kitchen Appliance, Cash Bar = Picture Frame
drew
Lame. Weddings are supposed to be fun for everyone. I pay for a tux, plane ticket, hotel reserv., and misc. expenses to support my friends, then I should get a beer. Otherwise don't invite me. I've done plenty in their lives to prove my character and friendship. My absence at the wedding does no harm.
Booze and music banish boredom
Matt
Weddings are dumb. The only way to get through one is to drink...for free.
Millips
Weddings are boring as hell for the people not in them. Drinking is a must. What else are you supposed to do? Stand around.
kayray
The only wedding I went to that was no alcohol at all was the most boring thing I've ever attended, people stood around in small groups mumbling quietly and looking around. No one danced and it was the reception lasted about 1 hour because people were so bored they left. Let's face it, alcohol helps people unwind and loosens their reserve.
Gene
As far as I am concerned, music and dancing are more important to a wedding than alcohol. All the free booze in the world will not make up for a music/dance free wedding (and yes, I've been to one of those). Seriously, if you need alcohol that bad, you may have more serious problems. And I say this as someone who does enjoy alcohol.
For the Bible tells us so
Nell
Edward, last I checked the "Lord" turned water into wine-for a WEDDING. Think that one over. The way the story goes it was a "miracle" in part because the family was SO EMBARRASSED TO NOT HAVE ENOUGH WINE FOR THEIR WEDDING GUESTS....ringing any bells? Just my thoughts on what the LORD's input might be here.
TEXAS
Jesus wouldn't even a tend a wedding without alcohol, he turned the water to wine, so if it is a religious event, and your religion is Christian, than it seems you MUST have some adult beverages! It would be offensive if you didn't!
Perspective from a wedding pro
Dan
As I've filmed so many times before being a wedding videographer, "a wedding is an outward expression and celebration of this couple's inner love." Why not have the option of drinking a glass of wine or beer for free? I've been at open bars with Grey Goose and I've been at some with mason jars, if the family/married couple doesnt have religious reservations or are not on the 10-step road to recovery.
Your guests will certainly remember the fact that there wasn't an open bar.
A measured response
HTDA
I can understand both perspectives here. I think it's important to strike the right balance. Open bars can cost upwards of $5,000 or more, depending on how many people attend the wedding, and sometimes people simply do not have the budget for that.
I think doing something like an open bar for the first hour and then cash bar, but providing bottles of wine at the tables and champagne for the toast, is a good balance that won't break the bank, but also will show that you've made an effort not to be cheap, even if you can't afford a whole lot.
Read more about wedding trends, offbeat budgeting tips and the woman who has her whole nuptials plotted out - minus the mate.
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I don't understand for the life of me how people are actually saying "How dare you make your guests buy alcohol" No we're not making our guests buy alcohol by having a cashbar.. we're giving them THE CHOICE to buy alcohol. I'm not for sure having a cash bar but I am considering it. Reason being, 1. 90% of my guests will not be drinking.. but I will be paying for them to drink anyway because they will still be counted for the open bar. 2. We have a very very small budget. 3. Me nor the groom will be drinking because we want to be sober on our wedding night. So when I'm paying 30+ dollars for you to eat good food and 30+ dollars for your 4 year old to pick at his plate and 30+ dollars for your date to eat and I can hardly afford a freakin hotel for my honeymoon afterwards and I'm not even drinking you can pay for your own drink if you want to drink. Thats my options, cashbar or dry wedding. Thats where the problem comes in.. some of the grooms family are big on drinking during celebrations. I prefer actually no drinking at MY wedding (and no thats not me being bridezilla.. it's my freaking night gimme a break!) but I think cashbar is a good option. If you want to drink at MY wedding that I don't want drinking at go ahead, but buy it yourself. I think its better to say that then say "No you cannot have any drinking at my wedding"
Oh and the open bar at my reception site is 14 dollars per person. So I'll be paying a few grand for 10 people to drink if I do open bar. The cash bar prices are as follows... Mixed drink: 3.00, beer, 1.00, pitcher 5.00. Seriously if you want me to pay a few grand so you dont have to pay 20 dollars for your drinks you're the cheap one.
And one more thing! First of all I'm not having a wedding party that will be having to pay a whole bunch of money to be in my wedding, I feel its less stressful for everyone not to have that.. and no one will have to be stressed about money for my wedding but me as it should be. And IF I were to do a bridal party I'd have nice gifts for each person involved. And as for the gifts from the wedding guests... if you're so bent up about paying 20 dollars for drinks you dont gotta buy me a single thing as a gift and you dont have to give me a dime.. but remember that elegant dinner in the elegant ballroom youre eating it in wasnt free either!
I'd love to know where this entitlement came from. When did weddings go from being an honor to be invited to, to being something guests should be thanked for? I have NEVER felt like the bride and groom owed me something for attending their wedding; I was just happy they thought I was important enough to be invited.
If it is such a chore and financial burden, then here's a wise idea: politely decline attendance instead of whining like a selfish brat that the couple owes you something.
My own wedding was dry. I was not old enough to drink, my husband was only barely old enough to drink, NONE of our wedding party was old enough to drink, and only six of the invited guests were old enough/actually drank. If they had a problem with it, tough s&^t, I don't care.
Ok, Here it is. I don't drink, my friends know I don't drink but they know that I give great parties with awesome food and music. I won't be serving alcohol at mywedding because I don't want to. That's it. Since I don't serve alcohol at any of my parties, they know what to expect.
I don't really need any wedding gifts because I have been living on my own long enought to buy all the stuff that I need for my house, which is the original point of wedding gifts. It was to help a young couple establish the things they need for a home. So don't give me a gift, I don't care. Don't come to the wedding I don't care.
My wedding will be the joyous coming together of me and the man that I love. Stop being tacky by saying what you think is tacky.
I have around 62 people in my immediate family, just talking aunts uncles, their children, grandparents great-grandparents. My fiance has about 23 to add, plus we combined have 7 friends we are very close with and wish to invite, him four, me three. When all is said and done we're looking at close to 100 people in immediate family and friends coming to our wedding. We don't want to budge on ditching our friends which leaves cutting out our families, but is it really polite to invite five of my aunts and cut the other seven?! I feel that is ruder then simply saying in the invites, "Hey! We're all a big family and me and my fiance are a poor couple, we would love for anyone who wants to to come to our wedding but you're going to have to help out with the ‘eat drink and be merry’ part."
As for what me and my fiance are going to do is probably set it up like how my family does for our christmas's, one hour mass in the morning to appease my grandparents then off to party at one of the farms. Everyone bringing their own speciality dish and my uncles bringing out the wine from the cellars. As someone mentioned earlier, in biblical times there was wine and partying, but in biblical times I feel that everyone contributed to the party, it wasn't solely up to the couple and it certainly didn't put them into debt.
Also to the complainers these people are inviting you to a party, it's not mandatory and if you don't want to go or feel it's too much trouble then don't go, you're just wasting their money.
I will be attending my first cash bar wedding and not looking forward to it at all! I am in the wedding and understand this is not about me. HOWEVER.... Let me share a few details. I am flying out for a Friday 6p rehearsal dinner with a Sunday evening wedding reception. Staying in a hotel for three nights, parking at the airport, airfare, TWO days off work, dress, shoes and a wedding gift. AND they have the audacity to thank me with a cash bar? I used to cherish my friendship with the bride, after the wedding, I will reevaluate. She is truly not thinking of my time and effort in this.
I've been to two weddings. One where there was free beer and soda. No one complained and everyone seemed to have a good time. The second was an open bar and it was so boring that we left early. No one talked to each other, no one was dancing, and all they did was sit and drink. It was like they came because it was cheaper to get drunk on the bride and groom's dime than it was to get drunk at home.
We provided beer, wine, water, sodas, juices, and margaritas at our wedding. That covered just about everyone's preferences. At the end of the event, we did tequila shots to finish off the alcohol.
John why did you open the debate of your financial privates when you had to know people were going to fight with you about it?
Are you really that lonely?
The most precarious self esteem is that wrapped up in material worth.
I won't comment on the open bar or gift amount debate I feel it is a private decision.
Even a gift of 10k become tacky when discussed.
Here's what I think - A wedding is a celebration of two people pledging their lives to each other. As such, the operatives are "two people" and "celebration." Therefore, the rule of thumb is, "If these particular two people had a party that was NOT a wedding, would they serve alcohol in some form or the other?" So if Joe and Mary (or Jack and Marty, or Deb and Jane) are financially comfortable and they would serve wine at a dinner party, they should offer that at their wedding. If their fiscal situation is one where they'd have a BYOB barbecue, then they could go the cash route. And if they're Mormon or in recovery or otherwise teetotallers, and their parties would reflect THAT, then that's what would make sense for their wedding.
Or inversely, if the happy couple do drink from time to time, and are well off, if they go dry or cash bar, they'll look (and be) like cheapskates. If they're broke, and they try to overextend themselves, then they're risking their own fiscal wellbeing for the sake of a party. If they're in a tee-total class, and they serve alcohol, then they'll be betraying their own beliefs, and who wants that?
AND - if you're important enough to someone to be invited to their wedding, and they're important enough to you that you'll go - you should go for the sake of celebrating their marriage and commitment (and no, I don't mean Bride Worship) and not for an excuse to get trashed.
Let's see ... what have we learned here! People don't get married for themselves, but for others approval and amusement. All weddings should be geared towards the personal gains of everyone present. Everyone who enjoys any alcohol has a drinking problem. It's more important not to be tacky than to actually care about the reason for being there. And that most people who get married let family and friends run over them and are helpless to stop them.
As a lifelong single person who observes those who apparently "have" to be married; this is a laughable subject for an institution that fails more often than it succeeds. In all these posts there is incredibly little mention of "love" or any other reason to go through with this tradition.
Too many people get married to make others happy and get their parents off their backs. They also make wedding plans based on the same reasoning..
I'm sure that people will tell me that I don't know the wonders of being married because I haven't done that. It is EQUALLY true that people who have not been free and single during their adult lives also have no idea how wonderful that life can be.
That said ... open bar is the way to go at weddings and ....
"Stay single my friends!"
When I got married, I tried so hard to please everyone.....except myself.
My ex's side had alcoholics, and as a favor to my mother in law we compromised with open bar for an hour, free beer, wine, and soda. We had a champagne toast in which every table had two bottles. I still heard some people complaining. (They weren't my friends or family) BTW my family rarely drinks. If I could do it over again.....I would have a small wedding..intimate....close friends and family....on a beach at sunset.......Who knows? I may have still been married today........If I had things the way I wanted.....
Ok, I am an Irish Catholic liberal, and I don't drink. That being said, when my sister announced that there wouldn't be any alcohol served at her wedding back in 1995, my Da told her that would be fine, but he and my mom would no longer be kicking in the 8 grand for the reception.
Open bar, not one fight, not one arrest, and some waiter got MVD that night. We had cabs and buses taking people home, and we even found an old man bar to keep partying in after the reception hall kicked us out at 2am. My Aunts from Scotland were that last to hit the sheets at 5am. BY FAR this is the family event we all still talk about. Someone said it in a post way back-this wedding was about the families, the starting of a new family, and the larger one to support the new marriage. There was so much bonding in the ladies room over toilet paper..lol.
Who knows how much my sister "made" on the wedding that night. They had a shorter, closer to home honeymoon, and rented a cheap flat in Brooklyn( 750.00 A MONTH in 1995 !!!) and lived there for 10 years.
Even though I hate the taste of wine (smells like Mass) and beer (smells like feet to me) I would NEVER EVER not serve alcohol at a wedding.Or any party. That's hospitality.
On the cheap,? you find out through your girlfreinds who had the last wedding, and see if the have any left-over bottles that they'd like to sell. Most states will not let you return alcohol, and who wants 3 dozen bottles of shiraz hanging around? Just a tip.
I don't even think I have any friends who would have a dry wedding...huh...
Forget alcohol.
Cocktail weenies are the all the rage.
We had an open bar at our wedding and I would re-think that decision if I had to do it again. I now think I would do beer/wine and champagne toast as too many people were just blitzed. We only had our closest friends and family and yes, some of them can DRINK! On the other hand, some didn't drink at all, but in the end, the open bar cost us about $9000. I lost one of my good friends because he didn't know when to say when and almost got into a fight with my husband over nothing. Another friend dropped a glass in our hotel suite and was so drunk, was unable to clean it up (leaving me to do it for her). Another person had to be shuttled back to his room in the golf cart because someone found him passed out in the bushes. YES, these are my friends and family, but this is what happens when you give free access to unlimited top shelf alcohol for 4 hours. People drink more than normal because it doesn't cost them anything.
When planning the wedding, we were so concerned with how people would react if we had a cash bar (or limited bar) and really, we should have been more concerned about how they would react to free flowing alcohol.
We had a top-shelf open bar at my wedding for 200+ people (for six hours) and nothing of the sort happened. If you have irresponsible, immature people at the wedding, they will do irresponsible, immature things.
Also, it's not necessarily that expensive. We selected a venue that allowed us to provide our own bartender, and bought alcohol and mixers ourselves. It was a fraction of the price you paid , and we had tons of leftover alcohol (and lots of drinkers).
Having never married, I've never truly contemplated all the mercenary elements of marriage until now, reading these threads. I'm remembering marriages I've attended in the past. I'm also glad I've not participated in the mercenary slugfest of both people who give according to the "mercenary quality" of the reception or who care if it is a cash or open or modified open bar. Or if it is a totally sober occasion.
Hmm, I can't say I ever decided to give to the bride and groom based on the size of their expenditure on the wedding reception. I give based on how close I am to the bride and groom (relation-wise or friendship-wise). Indeed, in the case of good friendship with people a little less than fiscally able, I'll kick in a few more bucks than to those who have everything they'll ever need already. Simply because I know the former folks will truly make good use of those funds. Their wedding may not be so lavish, but it will be Their Wedding, and what they can afford, and will be given with full heart and attention. That matters a hell of a lot more than Lobster Thermidor and Grey Goose.
A wedding reception is made enjoyable by the people at the reception. If it is a wedding of friends, I know I'll have compatible people I can hang with during the wedding, even if the bride and groom will be too busy to hang with me much. People who make me laugh, enjoy life, share same outlooks and jokes. Drink is especially in these cases, incidental. I think on some occasions we had a bottle of red, a bottle of white on each table, and perhaps a cash bar if we needed more. (And the glass of champaigne to toast with.) I really don't remember. If I had to pay extra for another glass, or if I didn't bother, it wasn't important. I think some weddings had an open bar for a couple hours, then it went to cash. If I wanted another drink, I paid, and I didn't even think like so many people on this thread and discussion that I should be so High Faultin' Offended. The attitude so many people are displaying here is amazingly trite! I am actually quite stunned reading this thread.
Yes, some family obligation weddings can be boring, but hey, it's a special moment for those relatives of yours being married. You may not be friends with these people, but hey, two or three hours of your life to send them into marital bliss is not an evil thing.
If you want enjoyment at a wedding, it's the people who will make it. If they're totally miserable people, buy some liquor in advance and do what you gotta do when you leave the reception (and are no longer driving).
Honestly, to everyone who seems to believe that the only way to have fun at a wedding is to drink (for free), that's just sad. I've been a sober person at a number of parties and have just as much fun as the person knocking back a few. Alcohol isn't required for a good time, but a good attitude about it is.
Many couples simply can't afford an open bar. And it's not a matter of 'just cut the guest list to a point where you CAN afford an open bar'. Some people would rather have a party with everyone they love than slice off half the family and all their friends to pull the guest list to a point where they can open the bar to everyone. Or are the slightly less than fortunate (monetary-wise) supposed to simply not get married at all?
And to anyone who believes that an open bar is recompense for their attending the wedding and bringing a gift (or basing the gift on the open bar), that's selfish and bitter, in my opinion. The bride and groom are not required to pay you back for your attending their celebration. The purpose of going to a wedding is to wish the couple well. It's about them. Not you. The only tit-for-tat involved should be you wishing them well (with a gift, if you chose) and them thanking you for attending (in whatever manner they can afford).
Re: the "the recovering people in my family will fall off the wagon" or "the guests will drive drunk people, please keep in mind I have many alcoholics in my family. Both parents were active alcoholics growing up and got into recovery when I was in my 20s. My brother, sister-in-law and stepdad are in recovery as well. Three out of my four grandparents were alcoholics and so was one of my aunts.
One thing I learned in Al-Anon is that you can't control other people's behavior. And to let them experience consequences of their actions. Now, if you don't want alcohol for your own reasons, such as it's against your religion or you have bad memories related to it or you simply don't want it, that's completely understandable.
But if someone is so out of control that you can't trust them not to drink and ruin your special day (and I mean that sincerely, not sarcastically), maybe you need to rethink inviting this person to your wedding, even if they are your mom or dad. What's to say they won't drink before? Or sneak a flask in during? At wedding's where there's not a lot of alcohol, I've seen people gather after at a bar. Granted, you won't have to deal with it then, but they can still get just as drunk then. Same for all of these go for drunk drivers.
my fiance and I are only going to have champaign fo the people that want it for the toast but we aren't going to serve any more than that because we don't want people drinking and driving
I've been to several weddings (of both family members and friends) and had my own three months ago. In the 24 years I've been alive and the probaby ten years I've been attending weddings, I've never seen weddings as this quid pro quo exchange that many people here seem to be advocating. I see the wedding gift as a something guests give the new couple to start their lives together and help them get their married household set up, not as a price of admission to the reception. I'm grateful for every gift that I got from the cheaper ones to the very expensive ones. Regardless of the cost, if a guest bought it for us, it meant it was something we didn't have to get or save for ourselves. We didn't register for anything that we didn't actually want someone to give us. Yes, there were certain things that we did want more than others but everything we asked for we wanted or needed. Our registry ran the gamut of price from $20-600. We knew that the people who were super close to us or could afford expensive gifts would get items from the upper range, and those who couldn't would pick from the lower end (or a few people could pool their money to get one nicer gift, rather than a few smaller ones). I didn't judge anyone for how much they did or didn't spend. I didn't adjust my view of that person or how much of a friend they were based on the monetary value of their gift. Honestly, a $50 gift from someone I know struggles for money means way more to me than a $250 gift from somebody loaded, because it was really more of a cost to the one who spent less. I see the reception as a celebration that should be fun for the guests–sort of a thank you for being a part of our lives and this special event– but also reflect who the bride and groom are as people. Believe me, I know that receptions can get pricey(ours was open bar), but it's not this huge burden you undertake for your guests to have fun at your personal expense, you should have fun too. We loved having our friends and family with us and enjoyed the fact that they all seemed to be having a great time. We looked at that as a payoff for the money we spent, because the reception was for us as well as them, we got something out of it too. We didn't feel that "Well, since we put on this awesome party for you guys, you'd better give us a gift that cost x amount, whether you can or not, or we will be mad at you and call you trashy behind your back."
Well said! After reading all of these depressingly selfish comments I'm worried that the couples who have invited me to their weddings are judging me because I didn't throw enough cash at them! I make very little money despite a good education and a strong work ethic, and even $100 is a big deal for me – it's not a matter of using discretionary income, it's a matter of paying a bill late or cutting my food budget.
Oh, and I work in the wedding planning industry, so I know exactly how much all that crap costs. In my city, if you hire a full-service caterer (which most venues around here require simply because of liability issues) food ALONE runs $100-150 per person and alcohol can be another $75-100 on top of that. That doesn't include music, venue, insurance, transportation, etc. Weddings can easily run up to $400-500 per person if you're doing a nice reception in an expensive city. Unless you only invite wealthy, well-established people to your wedding, it's outrageous to assume that people can cover the entire cost of what YOU have chosen to provide to them. But then again, you could just not invite any poor people in the first place. Sorry, Grandma!
Wow. I can't believe some of the comments on this! I think if you're hosting a wedding/party/celebration, then you should HOST it. That means not asking people to pay for any portion of it. But, since you are hosting, you should have a right to make it dry or open bar, or whatever you want, but don't make people pay. People can decline to come if they don't like it. It's the same way if you're having a BBQ or birthday party at your house – you don't ask people to pay for their hamburger (either with cash or with a gift).
I'm getting married in 6 months and have planned to cover all the costs. We are on a limited budget so it's limited to 50 of our closest family and friends. I don't expect anyone to pay cash to attend something we're hosting. I also don't expect a gift of any specific amount. If you have the financial means to give us $500, great. If you can only give us $25 or nothing and just show up, great. It's about sharing a special event with people you care about. I'm also not planning to have anyone there that I wouldn't readily be willing to cover the entire cost of their meal, drinks, etc.
People should not host a wedding and then expect guests to reimburse you through money or gifts!!! Yes it's expensive, but a nice personal wedding can be had within your budget. It blows my mind that people on here put so much emphasis on materialistic goods.
wrong...if u cant afford a descent present then decline the invite....otherwise your making yourself a burden...your not a child, theres no such thing as a free lunch
At my daughters wedding we did indeed have an open bar BUT I also reserved some busses for our guests so that even if they have a bit too much they would get home safely – Don't ever want to lose a friend to intoxication. I think at least some wine is appropriate.
What I've learned from the comments:
1) Everyone believes it when someone tells them that their wedding was the best wedding they have ever been to.
2) If you've ever enjoyed an alcoholic beverage, clearly you have a problem and should be considered an alcoholic
BYOB is fine with me
Wow. I never tought cash bar existed at weddings. In Mexico, all weddings go by free drinks among a pre-selected list of liquor. 2 days ago I was at one, the offered Whiskey, Brandy, Vodka, Tequila, Martinis and 2 Flavor Margaritas. Beer does not make the list, since beer is considered "cheap" for a wedding.
Receptions are the first party a married couple will have. There should be alcohol. We are all adults. Right? Some guests fly in pay for hotels, rent cars, and many other things. If you are worrid about expense you can limit the bar to well drinks and beer. If you are worried about heavy drinkers ask the bartenders to not serve shots. If your guests were unahappy at your reception, then what kind of reception did you have. I was recently at a wedding where people had drinks during the ceremony. I had never seen that before. There was no drama.
One of the best solutions I've found to the open bar/cash bar situation is the bride and groom buying one or two kegs and a few bottles of wine. When that runs out, it becomes a cash bar.
I can't believe how many people would actually be upset by not having alcohol available to them at someone else's wedding reception! Come on! If alcohol is that important to you, maybe you have a problem.
It's pretty simple- if you don't like the 'terms' being offered with regard to drinks, if it's *that* important to you, don't attend. You can go get blasted on your own, and the bride & groom can offer your seat to somebody else. Win-win.
"@K: You cheap b*****s. Pay for your guests' f'n drinks. What the h*ll is the point of going to a wedding? No one gives a crap besides you and/or your parents."
If "no one gives a crap", then why are you going to the wedding in the first place? Stay home and get schnockered on your own dime. I think this poster is a bit of a moron, K?
Wow our culture is really sick. I go to weddings to be there for my friends who are getting married not to suck down free booze. I could care less if a wedding has alcohol or not.
My father in law got so completely and totally drunk at his own daughter's wedding that he began to choke to death. The poeple around him were gabbing their fool brains out, not noticing the man slowly slipping off his chair, and oh by the way, getting blue in the face. I ran around the table and did the heimlich maneuver on him. The guy puked up his choked on piece of meat all over the table. The idiot recovered enough to resume drinking. Oh yeah, I'm all in favor of dry weddings.
Ok, so NO ONE is supposed to drink (grown ADULTS by the way) because of ONE DRUNK?
Wow, controlling much?
Just elope. Or just invite close family.
Weddings are a waste of money for the bride & groom as well as the out-of-town guests (which is 90% of the weddings I'm invited to). This supposed "argument" that you "flew in, booked a hotel, and got a gift and thus demand the best party ever" is BS. Don't come if you don't care about the couple or are not up for the weekend trip (financially or attitude).
In medium-sized to large cities, wedding fixed costs easily are $15,000 (flowers, dress, ceremony fees, photography, DJ/Band, transportation, etc.) and wedding variable costs, the ones you all are whining about, easily are another $15,000 ($100-150pp for food/apps, $5-10pp for toast, $30+pp for 5 hours open bar, $5pp cake fee, $$$ service charges). When it's all said and done a wedding is $300-500+++pp, accounting for all the costs of the "party."
Again, weddings are a waste of money, both for the marrying couple and for the guests. Don't invite ppl who have a "throw me a party for attending." Just elope and catch up with them the next time you're in the same city.
I don't drink, but the only wedding party that disturbed me was one that had nothing but wine. Not even water till I complained, and then they got a pitcher of tap water. And there were kids at the party. Cash or free, just provide some cool drinks for the non-drinkers and try not to get in fights.
BYOBF = Bring your own boot flask. Problem solved.
I'm from the north east, and I was brought up with the tradition that the bride and groom should provide an open bar at the wedding, and guests would be happy to "cover their plates." However, when I moved to the south, I was asked to be in a dry wedding, and they served cold cut sandwiches, and they had no music. I mean, some of the guests travellved from the UK for the wedding, and others across the country. They were so disgusted with the cheap-o wedding, I literally saw guests ripping open their envelopes and pulling out cash and replacing checks worth hundreds of dollars and replacing them with a $20 bill. I felt embarrassed for the bride and groom. I think that if you are going to have an inexpensive wedding, you should invite only locals, and let them know beforehand of the scaled back plan. If you are inviting an international contingency, I think you sholuld plan an elaborate party with DJ, open bar, and sit down dinner. It's what people expect. No one expects to spend more money coming to your wedding than you do to have it.
Expect? One’s expectations would seem to me to be based on one’s upbringing, and acculturation. I would also point out that the subject at hand is cash bars vs. open bars vs. no bar. I STRONGLY favor no bar as I do not, nor ever have engaged in the ingested of non-medicinal ethanol. I would not consider bologna sandwiches appropriate to a wedding reception. However, the common custom here in Texas is cake, nuts, candies, and perhaps appetizers, and finger food. It is uncommon for weddings to last more than a two, or three hours, at least in my family and social circles.
Wow, what a bunch of cry babies. I would totally rethink my guest list if I even remotely thought any of my FRIENDS had such a poor attitude about having a cash bar at my wedding. They're probably the kind of "guest" who asks to take the leftovers home, too, and who buys the absolute cheapest gift they can think of, like a $25 gift card to Target or something. No thank you, you aren't a friend, you don't have to come and celebrate my day. If I spending a fortune on my wedding – which I am – I don't have to spend it on someone like you!
It's about the couple, not the food and drink.
Marriage is a right and honorable institution............ Should you feel a need to be institutionalized. Save the $ and elope. (use the cash as a down payment on a house)
We are paying for soft drinks, three kegs and then $500 down on the bar. Once it runs out, it will be a cash bar. And believe you me, I feel sort of cheap. With that said, I am not from the state where the reception is being held. Let’s just say it is in a very honky-tonk part of the country. We sent an invitation out to one couple and they RSVP with 12! Other couples have RSVP with 4 or 3, etc. I was outraged to say the least, but my wife to be says that’s just the way it is around where she is from. On top of that she said several others will show up with their whole families in tow (many with children of drinking age) who did not RSVP that way. I’m sorry but I am not paying for people I did not invite. If I cannot control the guest list how can I pay for an all night open bar? Who knew it would get this complicated.
people spend way too much on weddings.. the dress, the reception, the food,,the alcohol...I opt for simple does it..I don't care if the bride is in a dress she made herself or from a bridal salon..even if the wedding party are in jeans and t-shirts. a picnic or bbq, or a pig roast...the point of the day is to be married ..I know you are all going to say it's the most important day of my life.. does that mean you should be in debt?? as for gifts, we do what we can..
I can understand why people do a Cash Bar especially in this economy, however if you are going to do a cash bar wedding, be prepared to be forever labeled as cheap, very cheap and people will look at you differently going forward. Now if your going to do a wedding and your absolutely set on a cash bar (YOU CHEAP B******S!!!) please tell people WELL IN ADVANCE!!! So they can be prepared, because I just got back from one in Europe between Christmas and New Years and got a rude surprise that it was a cash bar and it wasnt even in the invitations!!! That was just plain rude and very tacky.
Weddings are a tough subject in general. Over the past couple decades weddings have gotten bigger and more expensive. Traditional rules are expected as well as current rules and trends. It can be overwhelming and very costly. A friend of mine followed all the traditional ways in respect for her parent's requests. Open bar, live music, cocktail hour entertainment, passed hor dourves, etc. It cost her and her husband $50,000. She got married before me and this scared the poop out of me. My husband and I wanted to entertain our friends and families, make sure the had a good time and thank them for their time and generosity. But traditional rules were not a reality for us. Not only that but we felt those of whom truly wanted us to start our lives off right wouldn't expect to have us drop that kind of money on one night. We went down the middle. We had a champange toast, and open bar during cocktail hour while we had our pictures taken. The rest of the night was a reasonably priced bar. Everyone seemed pleased in our choices and a good time was had by all.
I think a simple answer to all of this, is to offer one or two types of wine only (of course sparkling wine for the toast). We had an open bar and it was expensive. But, there's very little I would have changed about it. Of course, all non-alcoholic drinks should NEVER be paid for by the guest. To play devils advocate, you SHOULD never throw any type of party and expect your guests to pay. But etiquiette is going out of the window. Why not just charge a cover. Another option is to have a sparkling alcoholic punch that everyone could like!
LOL! Growing up Baptist in Texas meant that just about every wedding that I attended was dry. Receptions were held in the Fellowship Hall of the Baptist Church that the wedding was held in. Which means no ethanol laced beverages, nor dancing. I never gave such things a second thought. In the neck of the woods that I grew up in this was totally normal. Indeed, ethanol laced beverages would have been view as highly gauche if served at a wedding reception. Of course weddings in my social, and family circles were never viewed as a means of showing off. I find the whole notion of quid pro quo between weddings, and presents to be totally beyond the pale in terms of propriety.
I can't believe how much selfishness I'm seeing in the comments. Folks, a gift is a gift, is a gift. A reception is a gift from the bride and groom to the guests. The wedding guests give gifts to the couple. They have NOTHING TO DO WITH ONE ANOTHER, and to demand a certain level of gift (be it on the part of the guests, or the couple) is the height of rudeness. People should give gifts freely and without strings, from the heart, and they should be affordable. To demand that someone give you a gift that equals the per-plate charge is rude. To demand/expect that someone provide you with free booze, is weird and rude. Looks like people didn't learn the basic rule in preschool: You get what you get, and you don't throw a fit. People who accuse a couple of being selfish and me-me-me oriented when they don't provide an open bar, are being selfish and me-me-me oriented.
Oh, and if you think dry weddings are boring, then send a nice (affordable and reasonable) gift, and DON'T GO. You won't enjoy yourself, and everyone will know you aren't enjoying yourself, so do your hosts a favor and don't inflict your bored self on them.
Very well-said Cathy W.
Dry weddings SUCK. Very religious dry weddings REALLY SUCK. I just attended one recently that was essentially a 3 hour sermon, the speakers' obviously assuming that everyone in the wedding party were practicing Christians, which I loved since I am a devout agnostic. If I am paying $40-$60 on your gift and have to put up with your proselytizing, why can't you spend $20 on my bar tab so I could be drunk enough to tolerate it? Instead the reception was extremely awkward for anyone who didn't go to church 5 times a week and everyone I talked to afterward only wanted the whole thing to end as quickly as possible. No one was socializing or having fun. Worst. Wedding. Ever. Jesus turned water into wine, if it had been the other way around noone would have really have cared enough for it to be considered a miracle.
I had a cash bar at my wedding. That being said, my husband and I would have preferred to have a dry wedding, but felt we should allow our guests access to alcohol if they feel they ABSOLUTELY needed alcohol to have fun. We put a dollar amount into the bar so that the guests could have NON-alcoholic beverages. I find it MORE annoying to go to a wedding, dance like crazy and then have to pay for a simple drink beyond a water. If you can't enjoy my company without alcohol in your hands, then I think you need a reality check. If you think I didn't provide alcohol because "I'm cheap" then you don't know me very well. I just prefer not to have people drunk at my wedding...because you'll always get ONE!
Full open bar, limited bar (wine and beer only), or dry wedding, I don't care and will have a good time at the wedding.
Cash bars, wishing wellls, dollar dances, or any other way ways to get guests to shell out money while they are at the wedding will result in me reducing the amount of my cash gift.
Weddings should be affordable for the bride and groom, but the moment they start trying to turn their guests in to ATMs is when they cross the tacky line.
Exactly how I feel about it
A wedding is a party – and guests should be treated as if they are attending a party in your home.
I would have cut back on my dress, flowers, band, dj, guest list, whatever before EVER considering cutting back on the things for my guests. Choose a less expensive venue, less expensive day (friday night or sunday afternoon), a less expensive or borrowed dress, simple flowers, fewer guests. But do not cut back on the hospitality.
If you offer a cash bar and think that everyone understands and is cool with it, you are wrong. They are thinking you are selfish and cheap.
Remind me never to have you over for a party! If I served some hors d'oevres instead of a meal, or a buffet instead of a sit down meal, would you be so ill-mannered to complain?
If you have to drink to have fun at any event, you're a freakin' loser and probably shouldn't be invited anyway. If you care at all about the people who are getting married, just BE THERE for them and quit expecting something in return. GOSH people are so "me-centered" nowadays.
We had a Sunday morning wedding (11:00 a.m.) and a brunch afterwards. We served mimosa and bloody marys during the brunch. Compromise, people! Sserve beer, wine, soda, and signature cocktail, that's cool. But no cash bars. Cheesy and tasteless.
I just got married two weeks ago, literally (July 23), in the DC Metro area. We had a full seated dinner with an open bar, and we had no problems with either budget or guests. Here's a secret – some hotels will give discounts for non-peak days and times, like, say, Friday (as in our case) or a non-holiday Sunday. Also, if your friends and family know how to be responsible with their alcohol, then you won't have a problem with the open bar being abused. You'll just have people drinking and having a good time.
I haven't been able to figure out, by the way, how a bride or groom was able to get so smashed that they would have to be carried to the car or get in a fight. I was so busy talking and dancing with people that my Long Island iced tea was almost water from the melted ice by the time I actually got to drink it, and I only finished my champagne from the toasting and hardly touched my wine with dinner. I was so full I barely touched the cake, too.
Cash bars after the first hour..watch the rush. Watched this at a wedding in England. More fun than the world cup.
For $300 per gift you could get fabulous locally made crafts – far more classy than imported factory made items.
To me, it's all about expectation setting.
Example 1...A friend of mine had a wedding in a rented firehouse hall. She served pasta, played homemade mix CDs, and tapped a keg. I'm not a beer fan, so I stuck with Diet Coke. Overall think it was a great wedding because she and her fiance (now husband) managed to be gracious hosts, while still throwing a wedding within their means.
Example 2...I was a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding. As is usually the case with this situation, oodles of time and money were spent on the big event. She looked radiant in her pricey wedding gown. They served a lavish multi-course dinner, whilst the DJ entertained. But... drum roll please... there was a cash bar - for all beverages (even soda). It is sad to watch Grandma have to pull a fiver out of her evening bag to pay for a thimble-sized glass of Coke. Worse yet, the bridesmaids/attendants were unaware of this, so none of us brought any cash. (Cash bar, in this case, was very literal. No credit cards accepted.) All I remember about that wedding is being so very thirsty.
The lesson? Provided you set the right expectation with your guests, no one has the right to be cranky about your alcohol plan. (But, just to be on the safe side, I may just start packing my own flask.)
Some of us don't have thousands of dollars for an open bar to cater to the drunks. Does that make us less of a host/bride/groom? I don't think so.
And I know, total buzz-kill, but shouldn't WE be more concerned that 32% of driving DEATHS in 2008 were alcohol-related?
In a perfect world drugs are free, Republicans are honest and unicorns poop out Miley Cyrus keychains.
You'd have to be drunk to think we live there.
no you shouldnt be concerned with drunk driving deaths....a responsible person takes a cab or makes arrangements..you cant live your whole life saying what if this happens what if that happens...doesnt anyone enjoy life anymore
To all the selfish, snot nose, demanding, and inconsiderate people who are outraged of not having an open bar for them to attend the wedding for their friends/family members. Really are you all complaining of spending a little money for your own drinks. Even if you were to spend $5 a drink and were able to drink more than 25 alcoholic drinks (doubtful) and not be tipsy, you would only spend $125. Oh you're going bankrupt, while the married couple would have to pay between $3000 to $4000 for an open bar for 150 to 200 guests, not including your plate, cake, tux, dress, church, and many other things you're not going to pay. If you are not invited to the wedding, and it was a blast you would be p.o.'d for not being invited If your math skills are able to compare & contrast, you're not paying anything compared to the bride & groom.
Totally agree.
Very true, can't wait for all the naysayers to run the numbers on their future wedding. Seeing how the venue/food/drink costs go up 7-10% each year, they better start working on it!
I didn't read all of the comments, but one thing the article didn't mention is the time of day the wedding is held. I believe if you have a morning wedding, there should not be alcohol. 10 am is early to be kicking back and putting a cold one down. Afternoon weddings could go either way, but I don't think a fully-stocked open bar is appropriate. I wouldn't want my friends leaving and hitting the Saturday evening dinner crowd on their way home. Evening wedding should include an open bar, a champagne toast at the most.
I have 8 weddings this summer, 3 of which I have been. All of them have included a fully-stocked open bar, except the 2 pm wedding, where the bride paid for everything for her bridesmaids, dresses, hair, hotel, plane tickets, etc. The second wedding I have spent a fortune on. It is an outdoor wedding in August in Oklahoma where there temperature is in the three digit mark. Her guests are going to either have a heat stroke or riot. There is no way anyone is going to stay for the whole event. They are going to be hot and miserable. She is also only having light appetizers. Not up to my standards of etiquette. I will be there, but I am sure I will be hot, miserable and parched.
I am going to have the first hour open bar, as well wine with dinner and champagne toast. The rest will be cash bar. We have a big family and having them all there is more important than getting everyone s* canned. Open bars all night can cost you an arm and a leg. Does this seem resonable?
No, I would never have a cash bar at a wedding under any circumstance. Expecting guests to pay for food/drinks at your wedding is horrible, and many of your guests will resent you for it. You are already having a cocktail hour, so if you cannot afford an open bar, then just stick to the cocktail hour and have the rest of the reception either 1) dry or 2) put four bottles of wine on each table. Either of those options is better than a cash bar.
I think that is perfectly reasonable, I have a huuuge family too, nearing 100 with just me and my fiance's immediate family members. What we're actually thinking out doing is having it more picnic/potluck style (because we simply can not afford to feed all of them) this way everyone has something they like to eat and everyone can share, and with any leftovers we can all split up and take home with whoever liked what. Likewise that is what we're doing with the alcohol, it's very much bring you're own stuff, this way you have what you love to drink and you can share. Seeing that it's a very big Italian family it'll mostly probably be home made wines which will be delicious, but I feel it would work with store bought too. And trust me, big families will understand that you can't afford their liquor tabs, I think at most of my cousins weddings even if it wasn't asked my uncles still brought/bought a few bottles of their own wines/store wines to help out with the bride and groom in giving everyone a drink.
My husband and I don't drink. He was in a wedding about 12 years ago in NC. Reception was in the ballroom of a hotel. Wine and beer were flowing freely. I ordered a soda and the waitress told me I'd have to pay for anything other than wine or beer!!
Here's a hint: Do your guests a favor and don't invite them. Seriously, nobody really wants to come to your wedding except your parents and they won't complain if there's no bar.
Do a favor, don't show up. :P
seriously? all u people that make excuses and dont serve drinks because of alcoholics? come on get real....my best man is fat as a %$#& but im not going to stop serving food at the wedding....get realy guys....liqour is a must at a wedding..its a celebration/party..dont u want to have to have fun....and it must be paid for by the bride groom...u expect a gift dont you? the guests expect food and a glass of wine or some gin & tonic.....THE END
Classy??
Rude to expect a gift.
Really, it is possible to have fun without liquor. If you can't, re-evaluating your life is in order.
Heck, that's why Hubby and I eloped. We told our families in advance. We hit Veags (or favorite, easy, weekend getaway), Got "hitched", had a wonderful dinner, gambled a bit, drank a bit and stayed at very nice hotel. Then came back and put a huge down payment on a house and paid off one our cars. The best part was, my inl-aws handed up an envelope with $10K in cash 3 months later when we went to visit, as a wedding gift. My family gave me my grandparents wedding bands as a wedding gift before we left. Both were supportive of our decision. They were proud of us being responsible with out money and focusing on the long term, not the "wedding". It's what happens after the wedding that matters.
This is one of the many reasons I don't EVER want to have a wedding. I've told my boyfriend many times that I want to elope. No matter what you do, someone will not be happy with you. If you really dislike weddings then don't go, why should it matter if you get to drink or not? My fiance and I are not going to go through months of planning just to be stressed out on OUR day because we made plans that someone else may not agree with so they are going to go behind our backs and criticize us for it. If you can't make it through a few hours of boredom (I hate weddings myself) without getting your drink on then that says something about you, not the bride and groom. I am attending a wedding this weekend and I have no idea if it's dry/cash/open, I'm going because I care about the bride and groom and to celebrate their happiness, THAT IS THE POINT OF A WEDDING.
what a bunch of sorry-ass good-for-nothing drunk losers! take your gift and GTFO!
I am almost 40, have lived all my life in the gracious Deep South, where even when we mean "f*** you", what we say is "Well bless your heart".
I have been to all sorts of weddings, been *in* all sorts of weddings, and helped plan more than a few.
I have never in my life heard the phrase "cover your plate", though.
It actually took me a moment to realize what it meant.
I'm still utterly appalled at the idea that there are people out there who think their guests "owe" them recompense.
I'm also appalled by those on every side of this cacophony who insist that it's "rude" or "tacky" for the hosts to throw the kind of party they want to throw!
If I want to throw a luau, will you presume to tell me that I must instead throw a keg-party because that's *your* preference?
I'm so glad we eloped!
At least I know our good wishes were heartfelt and the gifts we received were *thoughtful* rather than calculated.
My favorite bridal gift was my very own reciprocating saw :-)
Someone had to know me VERY well to understand how very much I would adore that thing :-) and *THAT* is what it's all about.
Did you get any "special" attachments with your Sawzall?
a reciprocating saw.....you need to use that saw to cut through the bullcrap you are spewing. the reason you eloped is because you knocked up your country bumpkin girlfriend/cousin and had no time to plan a wedding. you make me sick you inbred southern podung loser...........
And for that comment, you win the Jerk Of The Day award! There's no prize- you'll have to provide your own bovine exhaust, of which you seem to have an unlimited supply!
If you can't make it through a dry reception just bring a discreet flask and hit it in the men's room.
If you find that you have to go to a dry wedding and you can't make it through the reception without a drink, just bring a discreet flask and hit it in the men's room.
My cousin had a daddy-paid reception with open bar capped at $10K. My poor (no pun intended) uncle had to whip out the credit card by 10pm til the reception closed an hour later. Then he flashed it again at the hotel bar we all had crawled to down the hall. Luckily, I had a room at the hotel because I got cougar'ed by the bride's boss. Thank God I was young enough that my raging testosterone compensated for my ridiculous level of inebriation. I cannot tell you how many weddings I've been to, but I actually remember more details about that wedding than my own. Don't tell my wife eh.
You sir, are the winner of this discussion.
To my mind there are 3 kinds of weddings in America:
1) The Long-Island (or thereabouts) true royalty weddings: These are rich folks that can afford the full trappings - designer gowns, fancy hotels, hundreds of guests, stunning flower arrangements, nice catering, full open bar, and a hot band - without serious financial trouble. These folks know what they're doing, and more power to them!
2) The middle-class pretenders: They strive vigorously to have all the trappings of a true royalty wedding, but wind up screwing themselves and their guests along the way. These weddings look and feel derivative and repetitive, waste a lot of time, and put the couple (or their parents) in serious financial trouble. If the wedding is the only time you hire a hotel or caterer, you're probably in this group. A cash bar might be a symptom of this kind of wedding.
3) A party that matches the regular tastes and customs of the bride and groom, plus a little extra: If you're not real Long-Island royalty, this is the most fun and engaging kind of wedding. Think of the best party you've ever given, and make your wedding similar (plus a little). You'll have fun. Your guests will have fun. You won't be pretenders.
The most fun weddings I've been to have included a small town party (with a couple of kegs), a picnic at a state park (no booze), and a wedding at a friend's house (with a bartender). These happy weddings have generally been inexpensive, even though some of the couples have been wealthy. The most miserable weddings I've been to have been at hotels with all of the Long-Island accoutrements, but with added stress because the participants didn't have the real wealth or comfort with the service providers. As a guest, I've felt like I've been led through some kind of lifeless charade.
Just my 2 cents.
Bring a flask and.voila, no more dry wedding. Classiness be damned.
That's why I carry mine, everywhere. :)
This is hilarious! Why is this article illustrated with a photo of the stars of Mathieu Amalric's award winning film Tournee: Julie Atlas Muz, myself – Miss Dirty Martini, and Mimi LeMieux toasting our success in Cannes? Last I checked, there was no wedding that day, just a luncheon with Pedro Almadovar and Rossy DePalma and, yes, it was an open bar!!
Getty Images, stock photo. I wondered who those ladies were.
Is that you in the cool coat, then?
Well, Miss Dirty - I was peeking through our Getty stock, looked up "Champagne" y'all were there! You and the ladies were the prettiest ones I found and looked so happy. I couldn't not use it.
Kat (from the Mode Merr shows)
I agree with Candace, who was quoted in the article. The last wedding I attended was a Bridezilla affair, where the guests were essentially ignored. They did have an open - yet very limited - bar. But nothing about the event came across as gracious or welcoming, for the guests. I resented having taken the time to attend. And then when Princess Briidezilla did not send a thank-you note for my vary generous and carefully selected gift (to go in the McMansion her carefully selected, much older and more affluent husband owned...he was hunted and slain, my dears), my initial impression was verified. The bride was a tacky Narcissist, and the wedding guests were there as props for her big show. Free booze or the lack of it has nothing to do with the tenor of a wedding. The character of the bride and groom, of the bridal party, is what makes or breaks the event. One of the sweetest weddings I ever attended was a picnic in a mountain meadow, with no alcohol.
I agree, it's all about the attitudes of the Bride and Groom, and their respective families.
1. No cash bar – rude
2. No expectation of gifts – rude
3. Food and Drink should be provided to your guests – beer/wine/soda/coffee is just fine (unless religious reasons)
4. Never put "no gifts" on an invitation – It's rude you are assuming you are getting a gift
5. Never ask for cash/Money Box/Money Dance – rude
6. R.S.V.P. in a timely manner – do not do so is rude
7. Do not restrict children – rude
8. Family members do not throw showers bridal or otherwise – rude
9.. Destinations weddings and weddings over holidays – rude
10. Maid of Honor/Bridesmaids Dresses should be reasonable in cost, unless you are paying for them.
11. B.Y.O.B. and/or Potluck is rude, unless it's strictly family and a usual practice.
12. Asking for donations to charity in lieu of gifts – Again rude, your assuming your getting a gift.
When you get married you are inviting your LOVED ONES to celebrate your day with you. You are the hosts, your guests should be taken into consideration. To assume you are going to get a gift (for any event/wedding/birthday/holiday) is rude. Gifts are given when someone feels compelled to give you one. It is not an obligation. Greet all your guests. Thank them for sharing your day. Send personal thank you notes for any gifts you were fortunate to get, in a timely manner.
Where the heck did you people grow up?? This is just good old fashioned manners. I assure you will not offend any of your guests. In fact, may even make you look dignified.
Some people grew up in different countries than you, that have different customs. That's where.
Brilliant
I forgot one more:
13. No Gift registry – Again rude, your assuming your getting a gift.
I would agree with this – we don't want to do a registry (we've been living together for 5 years and really don't need more crap)...but nowadays I feel like people think if you don't have a registry, you are just expecting cash, which makes some older fashioned people uncomfortable or can be viewed as rude. The first question a lot of people as is "where are you registered?" and if you aren't, then they don't know what to do. Hence our creating a small registry for people to chose from. Still, we aren't expecting gifts, though it IS customary even if not required.
I agree with some of your points , but not with numbers 4 and 12. A wedding gift IS expected in the USA, especially if you are attending the ceremony. To announce - politely - on the invitation that all you want is to be with your loved ones on your day and that the only gifts you hope for is the love of your friends and family (for example) is to inspire in the recipient a deep sense of relief. I hate buying wedding gifts because I am so seldom thanked for my trouble. And I know that they are probably returned or re-gifted. To suggest - again politely - that guests might want to donate to a specific charity in lieu of gifts is fine, as long as you don't make it sound mandatory. Again, it makes it easier on the guests.
What really burns me is when a family member gives a shower (my sister-in-law's mother-in-law gave her a shower). I know a greedy gal whose mother gave her and her boyfriend (baby daddy) a baby shower and announced on the invite that the objective was to collect money to buy them a car. Very classsy....not.
Sorry Mrs. Manners and I beg to differ about both items and she is in the USA.
But I guess Miss Manners would find me rude pointing out rudeness in others LOL
I agree about #4 and #12. The whole business about gifts has become wildly overblown. A polite statement waving off gifts is a blessing to the prospective giver – a big time and money saver – and saves the prospective recipient from either storing of disposing of the excess stuff. Sure, older conceptions of manners took another view. In our current age of crap-overload, some things have to change.
The rude part about gift registries is that people sometimes include in the invitation where they registered. That information is suppose to be convened by word of mouth –mostly by the attendents, not the family. the Bride, Groom and their respective families should only give out that information if they are asked by someone. This way, it doesn't seem like the wedding couple is expecting a gift. it leaves the expectation that IF you decide to get a gift, then here are some suggestions.
Same thing with suggesting a donation to charity instead of giving a gift.
I have read through this entire comment thread. I am amazed at how many people seem to be missing the basic point here. Wedding guests are GUESTS. You should treat a guest at your wedding the same way that you would treat a guest in your home. If you had a dinner part at your home and invited your friends to it, would you ask your guests to give you cash to pay for their portion of the wine, beer or other drinks? NO, of course not.
If it is OK to charge guests at your wedding for alcohol, why not have them chip in for food as well? Couples who can't afford or don't want to pay for a nice sit-down dinner could have each guest presented with a bill at the end of th night for whatever meal was ordered. Absurd? of course. So is asking guests to pay for drinks. Its the same reason why people with good manners would pick up the parking/valet charges (if any) at the reception. These people are your guests and they are setting aside their time and spending money to be there with you on your special day. It is just TACKY to make your guests pay for anything. People have various ways of justifying cash bars, but there is no getting around the fact that you are calling people your guests and then asking them to pay for a portion of the party that you could not afford or did not want to pay extra for. Your wedding still may be a great event, but people will remember that you did not treat them like guests.
Wine and beer isn't that hard. If you can't afford it outright, take out a loan. If you can't get a loan, brew your own beer and wine, If you can't figure that out just put some antifreeze in a punch bowl.
First of all, I think that if you have a very limited budget you should try to serve beer & wine to your guests (after all, it is a party!) If there is no way you can afford that, I would recommend trying to cut corners in another aspect of your wedding. However, if you can afford it, I think an open bar is the only way to go. A reception is a lively event and a celebration with friends, family, dancing, and fun. Good food and good drink should be standard. Also, from reading these comments there are A LOT of people who claim they have had a dry wedding because of an alcoholic family member. I'm confused??? Last time I checked, alcoholics live in the same world every one else does- with happy hours, alcohol served at restaurants and bars everywhere. If you cannot trust a family member to say NO to alcohol at your wedding, how can you trust them not to go to a local Applebees for dinner and order a beer?!
To quote Emily Post, Queen of Etiquette, wedding or otherwise, "General Etiquette – Cash bars are not recommended for wedding receptions because guests should not have to pay for anything. For a formal party like a wedding reception, the event hosts are expected to foot the bill. You should not ask guests to pay-or tip-for drinks."
We had an alcohol free wedding. Think a few folks slipped away and had a drink or two. A few slipped away and smoked some weed. Think there were a few abusing prescription medication. We are in recovery both my wife and I. The food/diet and recovery/dry comparison I read above is a very poor one. Most of our friends are in recovery so that was ok, there were lots of kids there, and though i got drunk a few times at weddings when I was in elementry school I don't think any kids at ours did. There was some people there that probably weren't sure how to act or have a good time without the alcohol, but it should be in honor of the bride and groom and their wishes. It is ok to gather and not drink, what is wrong with that. Our ceremony revolved around our spirituality, which alchol isn't a part of. It is silly to me that this would really matter, but I know a lot of people that can't go out to eat, or camp, or go to a show, or ahng out with friends or on and on if drinking isn't involved. In the end to each their own I guess. If you got love for the bride and groom what will matter is seeing that ceremony of their union, sharing food with family and friends. Giving gifts in honor of that.
In this day and age, who wants to be responsible for allowing drunks out on the open road after a wedding celebration?
The WEDDING is not the same as the RECEPTION, which is a party. I don't think it is acceptable to make someone pay for any part of the party, no matter the budget. I also think it is tacky to not give a gift.
For the people saying they had dry weddings because they or family members were in recovery and/or their friends might over drink, would you consider not offering food or a cake because your mom was on a diet or your friends might over eat?
Or not serving cake, potatoes, or pasta because of diabetics. No meat because of vegetarians and vegans. The potential is unlimited...
There are a number of reasons for holding a dry reception: a morning or early-afternoon ceremony is one. Another would be the presence of children. A third, obviously, would be the expense of an open bar. There, I said it. It's crass to discuss expenses and budgets, but we dance around the discussion with talk about open vs. cash bar vs. dry, engraved vs. thermographed vs. inkjet invitations, Vera Wang vs. Alfred Angelo vs. neighbourhood seamstress. While some of us will continue to try to emulate our "betters" at the expense of our credit ratings, others have realized the folly of trying to make up or maintain appearances or of putting on a "production." We will do the best we can for our guests, but we also understand our limitations and hope that our families and friends will do the same.
I do tend to think a cash bar at a wedding borders on tacky. I've been to company holiday parties that had a cash bar – and don't mind that in the least – but not at a wedding. I realize it can be very expensive to foot the bill for a wedding – so compromises could include champagne, wine, or even a champagne or wine punch. I also attended a wedding where a whiskey sour punch was served – delicious with shaved ice in the punch bowl. These ideas make the options much simpler and eliminate the need for a fully staffed and stocked open bar.
I understand the bride and groom have a budget for their special day however I have to budget the day as well. Cash bar means less spent on the gift, open bar means more spent on the gift....
Most of the weddings I've attended were dry – probably because the ceremony and the reception were held in Baptist, Methodist, Church of Christ, and other similar denominations. In each case, it was the policy of the church to not allow alcohol in the reception hall. All were fun, relaxing, and didn't have anyone whining about lack of alcohol. A few had separate informal parties for selected friends later at another location.
I'm surprised that no other Southern folks have chimed in on this.
Agreed! Many weddings take place in churches with large fellowship halls for receptions, and a no – booze clause strictly enforced, including the parking lot!
Everybody had fun at your wedding because they were all Bible-thumping douchetards who have no idea how to have fun anyways.
I think that, in a perfect world, all brides and grooms would provide a cash bar at the reception. In a perfect world, we can agree it would be tacky not to – especially since our perfect guests would imbibe sensibly and behave respectfully!
In the real world, "tacky" is subjective. Imagine the last wedding you went to – even your own! Was there anything you would judge as tacky? I can think of several things about my wedding that were tacky, but since it was my wedding, I know why those decisions were made. Guests don't necessarily have that luxury.
Who's paying for the wedding and reception? What is that person's financial status, and financial style? What are the family values? What external factors could be at play in their decision about a cash bar?
It's not like a bride and groom make that decision lightly. But until you know and fully understand the process behind that decision, calling it tacky is, well, TACKY!
Correction: In a perfect world, everyone would have an OPEN bar! >.<
My husband and I had a small, but, in our opinion, nice wedding. His family's chosen religion finds alcohol taboo and my family has many members that are recovering alcoholics, some of whom find weddings a difficult place to stay sober. We did not find it necessary to serve anyone alcohol. Anyone who felt differently (including my alcoholic father, who did not bother showing up to walk me down the aisle) could and can check the NO column on the response card.
Would you invite your family/friends to your home for a party and expect them to pay for drinks? I have never been to a cash bar wedding and never will. Eat, drink while you get married – it is a celebration! And for those alcoholics – go back to rehab if you can't be around people who are drinking responsibly.
If you have a dry wedding then the terrorists have won.
Honeymoon = for the newlywed couple
Wedding = for the parents
Reception = for the guests
If you don't care about your parents, no need for a wedding. If you don't care about your friends, don't have a reception. Go to the JP, then take a vacation.
How silly of me to assume that a wedding was about two people being wed. Whether it's the Justice of the Peace or the Archbishop of Canterbury, it's still up to those TWO to say 'I do.' or there won't be any boozy party to have in the first place.
but I can't enjoy myself unless I am drinking.....!
Bbbbbut Bush!
By the way, for everyone who says things like "no one WANTS to be at your wedding, GAH" – then don't come. If you only go for the booze, then just do the couple a favor, RSVP "no" and go to your local bar. They will love you for it.
I don't think people realize how much weddings cost nowadays. I'm in NYC and it's nearly impossible to find anything for under $80/pp BEFORE alcohol, tax and gratuity...that's just for food.
Then couples need to quit inviting people that they hardly know. The close friends and family want to be there; the rest don't and are going to take full advantage of the bar.
You say if you don't want to be there, don't come. It's not always that easy. People get invited and they feel obligated to go. Couples need to take a serious look at their guest list and dwindle down to real family and friends, not just everyone they know. (or their parents know, or their kids know, or their dog knows..you get my drift)
I am not arguing, I am just sayin
That's why I said above:
"This is another reason we are only inviting people we know will absolutely WANT to be at our wedding. I don't want people coming just because there is an open bar or people who would even be concerned with that. It's just as tacky to complain about what the bride and groom chose to do."
We got married about a year ago, and I went for the compromise – we picked a white wine, a red wine, and a sparkling wine, which our guests could get for free. We also included a sparkling cider (but, in the hubbub, I forgot to tell the bridesmaid who doesn't drink!). :) If they wanted something different, they could use the cash bar. (Plus, it would deter my mother from drinking too much.)
I had wanted just to go to the courthouse and get married. My husband is religious, and wanted a church ceremony. So, we did both. The church ceremony was a blessing ceremony, not a wedding, though it was intended to look like one.
We were paying for the wedding ourselves – very very limited help from the parents (my mother paid for the rehearsal dinner, and my husband's mother paid for the tux rentals since she got an employee discount). I was the planner, and I went frugal for many things (the music at the reception was from my laptop!), but some things I just couldn't compromise on.
We got a nice buffet selection, and the cake had both vanilla and chocolate to please everybody. Having wine for free was a compromise with myself – I didn't want to seem cheap, but I didn't want to blow our budget either. The reception for me was a time to have fun and celebrate with the people who attended. It seemed like a reasonable compromise to make, and the entire budget came in under $5k.
For those of you saying the bride and groom are selfish – yup! You're right! I don't know how closely you've been involved with planning weddings, but in my case, I heard repeatedly that it was my day, and whatever I wanted, I should try to do. Planning a wedding requires so many compromises – despite your best efforts, you don't get everything you want. The bride and groom may genuinely want to provide you with all the free booze you can handle, but they may have their reasons for not doing so. You're invited to the wedding because we love you, please love us back and not grouse too much about our decisions.
We didn't want to start our married life with big bills hanging over our heads. We both make good money and have no children, but why start out $30k in debt to please everyone but ourselves?
People who can't have fun without the help of alcohol need to seriously examine their lives.
I would do a dry wedding before charging my guests to drink. That's just rude and awkward. I don't even want a tip jar at my wedding.
Before I say anything else, I should mention that I don't drink...at all. No personal reasons behind it, it just makes me feel crappy so I don't do it.
That said, I will be having an open bar at my wedding next year with a seasonal/popular assortment of beers, wine and a signature cocktail. I can't afford a full premium open bar and we don't have a ton of drinkers anyway. The signature cocktail is for drinkers who prefer something other than beer or wine, and I think people will be just fine with that.
This is another reason we are only inviting people we know will absolutely WANT to be at our wedding. I don't want people coming just because there is an open bar or people who would even be concerned with that. It's just as tacky to complain about what the bride and groom chose to do.
As a bride, I tried to honor my guests by providing what I could afford: heavy hors d'oeuvres, cake, soft drinks, wine, and champagne for the toast. I would hope they would not think me cheap because I didn't want to start out married life tens of thousands of dollars in debt. Back in the day, the guest list was mainly composed of the friends of the parents of the bride and groom, established adults who wanted to give nice gifts to help the couple set up a basic, decent household. The reception was not viewed as a fancy-dress version of a frat party. Nowadays, it seems like the brides are all about fund-raising and the guests are all about getting blotto. Kinda misses the point.
Fundraising?
No way, the gifts ranged from $20-500 checks or physical gifts per couple. People are clueless how much it costs to put on a wedding, open bar or not. Destination or not. Unless you and your families have wealthy friends, the gifts will amount to about 1/6th or less the cost of a wedding, so you're not "making much money" nor covering much of the costs. hopefully you invited people that actually care about you, not just partying, drinking and having a reunion with their coworkers/school buddies/hometown friends!
I have noticed that at most weddings I have attended, where the brides father is a lawyer, there is a cash bar. I have always assumed that was more of a liability issue than a financial issue. You are obtaining your drinks prior to your automobile accident from the establishment, not from the families of the bride and groom.
I had 20 people at my wedding. My parents Mom and Dad (divorced) and Dad's 2nd wife, my husbands parents (his Mom, Dad, and his Dad's 2nd wife) my brother and his wife and my sister, his brother and wife. My maid of honour and her husband, his best man and us, the bride and groom and a couple of close friends. We held our reception at a bring your own wine restaurant that only seats 24... However, for 20 people the booze bill was $500. Two magnums of champagne, two cases of wine (red and white). There was beer and a large bottle of Grand Marnier to go with coffee and cake. The restaurant bill was also $500. Total cost of reception $1000. Everyone ate and drank first class. Better to scale back the number of guests rather than the food and drink!
Awesome. Win-win for everyone involved. You don't need to foot the bill for people you hardly know, and people you hardly know don't feel obligated to attend. The people you invited most likely truly wanted to be there to celebrate with you. More people need to have their weddings like this.
A cash bar at a wedding, says you couldn't afford to provide a proper reception, so why do one at all?
Americans are so foolish, they think they have to have a fancy formal wedding to be married, even when they can't really afford to do that. Realize that in days gone by, only aristocracy (that means rich), had formal weddings. Everyone else simply had a village party.
Go to the JP, and get married, save all the cash for the dresses, tuxes, cakes, and thousands more, and just have an intimate party for special friends and family at an affordable location. Nothing more. You will be no less married, and you will have just as much if not more fun at your party......because you won't be dragging that stupid dress around, which you won't ever wear again, anyway!
So, has anyone told the lady in this picture she resembles Lady GaGa? A lot.
Oh – and it is not a faux pas on the part of the couple not to offer alcohol at all.
People no longer study etiquette, and have forgotten what a reception is. Receptions are FOR THE GUESTS, not the couple, hence the name reception: the couple RECEIVES society, in the form of family and friends, and is formally presented as a married pair. Hospitality in the form of food and drink is offered those who attended the ceremony, since no one hosts a social function without offering appropriate refreshments.
Receptions are not, and never have been, an after-wedding party for the bride and groom. This is, unfortunately, being glossed over by the wedding industry for profit reasons. They want couples to view all wedding-related fuss as an entltlement (we're getting married, so throw us lots of parties and give us lots of gifts) so that they can profit. Every party hosted, gift bought, etc, pumps money into the wedding industry.
It's rude to force guests to pay for food and drink at a party that's in thanks to them for attending the ceremony and supporting the couple. Oh – and that "cover your plate" "rule" doesn't exist, either.
I saw that cover your plate rule once. it was right under the dont walk across the pitchers mound rule and above the dont yell I GOT IT comin around the bases lol
Technically, I believe it is called a reception because SOCIETY to RECEIVES the new married couple. That is also why it was paid for by the parents of the Bride as a way to usher her into married life as a member of Society -which, of course, was only compromised of the upper class. (This would have been preceeded by a Debunte Ball which introduced a young woman as being available for suitors.)
However, I still mostly agree with you. Bottom line is that the wedding couple is hosting the celebration.
There are a lot of whiners here. If you want weddings to be certain way, get married yourself or become a wedding planner. Why does everyone have to get married by what you want? Plus, someone will b**ch no matter what you do. You serve chicken, you are cheap, you don't have an open bar that is stocked with unlimited amounts of everything than you are cheap. But, if you spend $50,000 on a wedding to give everything, then you are wasteful, if you cut people off then you are a kill-joy, if you offer no booze instead of a cash bar than you should have given the guest the option. Why can't any of you just be happy for the couple and not be judgmental. If these nitpicky things are what consume your thoughts, then you should be happy to be so blessed. And to the person that mentions Jesus turning water into wine for a wedding, I am not arrogant enough to think I am him. Those talents escape me as cool as it would be to do.
Inviting people to an event and then charging for food or drink is horribly rude and tacky. Maybe the guests should skip bringing a gift if it is a pay your way event. No one needs to go into debt for a wedding so limiting the choices (ie. beer, wine, soft drinks) is fine, but a cash bar is never okay. Is that on the invitation so the guests know they will need to stop at the ATM on the way to the wedding? Lots of other parts of the wedding that don't effect the solemnity of the bride and groom's day or the comfort of the guests can be done in a budget-cutting manner. People aren't your "guests" if they are paying their own tab.
There should always be some sort of booze available at a wedding. Yes I knows it their day and all, but going to a wedding can be expensive to the guests as well, especially when the wedding is not in the city in which you currently reside. I have been to weddings that cost me personally, not even counting the present, as much as $5,000 to attend in travel costs... The least they could do is have a couple cocktails available for me to say thanks for coming.
If you pulled $5000 out of your own pocket to attend a wedding, you OBVIOUSLY wanted to DESPERATELY be there. Nobody obligated you to pull as much as a dime out of your pocket. You have *nobody* to blame but yourself if you didn't receive something you felt 'entitled' to.
You can always decline an invitation. I've been invited to several out of town weddings. I attended some of them & opted out of others – for a variety of reasons. Invitations should be accepted or declined without regard to what kind of food or drink will be provided.
If you "need" alcohol or think anyone "owes" you alcohol as a thank you, you have a problem and need to rethink your priorities in life.
I learned more today about what I should/shouldn't do/bring/give at weddinds by reading this thread than I could have learned by going to hundreds of weddings. Thanks people for your words of wisdom. :)
All I hear is people, "don't make me pay if u invite me..." childish, no one is making you drink, and if you are seriously that aggravated about not having free booze at your friend's wedding then you are a USER plain and simple. I only attend events of that type for family. If you are going to be such a drag just politely decline. No need for your negativity at a ceremony of union. With people so selfish it's no wonder marriages fail so regularly. You obviously haven't graduated high school if you are still this self centered.
James, it isn't just alcoholic drinks. People have to pay for ginger ale, cranberry juice, a bottle of water, whatever; just as they would a drink with alcohol it in. It is just tacky. Unless the invite says BYOB as it would if you were throwing a neighboorhood block party, expect that your guest expect refreshments, regardless if they have booze in them.
We offered free beer all night – open bar for cocktail hour & cash bar after that. Our friends that were young & in school (like us) were mostly beer drinkers, so it helped them out – but everyone had the option of mixed drinks, if they preferred. One thing no one seems to be considering is the legal liability involved in hosting an event with an open bar – free drinks equals host responsibility if the guest drives drunk & injures someone or even themselves. And for those of you complaining about the cost of being in your friends wedding party...QUIT!! There is a very simple, one syllable answer – No. If you're too broke or too cheap to participate fully & without regard to getting "reimbursed" in food & drink, just don't do it.
at my wedding instead of providing food and liqour i'll provide hot pockets and cool aid
SWEET! I'll be there!
Is that Lady Gaga in the picture at the top of this page?
I'd go!
his has got to be the ugliest thread of comments I've seen in a long time. Between the 'we gave you $$$ in gifts so you OWE us booze' and the 'we paid $$$ for this reception and booze so you OWE us $$$ for a gift'... good God. What is this OWE thing about?
I've gone to a lot of weddings, been in the bridal party several times. The un-fun ones were the ones where either the hosts or the guests had that entitlement attitude. That'll turn the cake sour in my mouth faster than anything. The best wedding I ever attended, I can't remember if there was booze or not. There was lots of really good food (the bride and groom are serious foodies), the musicians were amazing (baroque, mostly, which makes for nice background), the venue was lovely. Only negative thing I remember was that my heels were killing me.
Thank you for a voice of sanity & reason in this overly shallow discussion. The sheer number of entitlement and/or freeloading whiners who completely miss the point of a wedding & reception on this thread is mind numbing.
I agree about the feeling of entitlement. Years ago it was considered crass and boorish to even bring a gift to a wedding. The gift giving was reserved for the bridal showers or the gifts were sent ahead of time. The wedding & reception was considered simply a celebration of the event.
The wedding you are referring to actually sounds like a good time. The bride and groom obviously tried to make it memorable for the guests, and that is awesome. But you have to admit, and not to sound like and old fogie, but nowadays there just aren't many weddings like that. It all about who can outspend who, and who can have the best and biggest wedding. So yeah, when the bride and groom are lame like that, they feel like they need gifts to make up for all the money they spend for their show. And the guests, feel they should receiving something in return for attending the show. I wish more people had memorable weddings like the one you are referring to – not the biggest and best (which usually turn out to be lame anyhow). You know, we could start a show on TLC called Booze or No Booze? Apparently this article stirred a lot of people up by the looks of this thread! ha ha
JJ, the wedding I was referring to was in... '95? '96 maybe. Not that long ago- certainly not long enough to have 'old fogey' status!
A wedding is not a 'show'. And you don't 'buy' your way in, nor should the bride and groom need to bribe you to come. It's not about an economic exchange, and if it is, you need new friends!
Keith Beresheim
I had my wedding based upon a 1954 movie with James Cagney entitled "The dust that never settles." We didn't have any alcohol and people say it was the neatest time ever. Rather than tipping glasses for me to kiss the bride, people had to bust out quotes from any James Cagney Movie and I would kiss my bride.
Its like Gretta Garbo said in the 1953 movie "A Street Car Named Desire" , Alcohol is only part of the solution!"
Keith Beresheim
thats great keith but im assuming not everyone reading this is 70 yrs old and knows what the hell your talking about
Keith, that's a cool idea. :) At my wedding, instead of tapping glasses, people had to come up to us and sing us a song with the word "love" in it. So fun!
That is neat though Keith. Like Redic, I have no idea what you are talking about, but I like the idea of a theme. That way guests are involved in the night too
Uh, Keithm _Streetcar Named Desire_ was 1951, not 53, and Greta Garbo was not in it. If you're going to make movie-based quotes, you might want to get them right.
The hell with all you people who think the bride and groom should foot the bill for your drinking problems. My wife and I got married by JP at a restaurant. We did not have any bar in the room with us. But, there was a bar in the next room where people got their drinks and came back. Hell, that's where I paid for my wife's and my drinks. If you don't like it, too bad. You are just selfish alcoholics. Nobody at my wedding complained. In fact, they all said how much they enjoyed it. So go #$%* yourselves and don't go to weddings for all care.
"You are just selfish alcoholics. Nobody at my wedding complained. In fact, they all said how much they enjoyed it"
You think people are going to tell you to your face your wedding was horrible?
Sounds awesome Dave!
I agree with Erin, do you really think they are going to tell you it sucked? Maybe they really did have a great time and were being honest. But the majority of people just say that they had a good time so they don't hurt your feelings. Get with it. :)
If you can not have a good time without drinking, you are most pitiable. I attend weddings to support the new married couple.
Shoot... such demanding people! You get invited to a wedding, and you demand free booze? Why are you there – for the booze or for the happy couple??
If I'm ever dumb enough to get married again – I'm eloping!
Nothing kills a wedding reception faster than having no booze. I'm a DJ and have witnessed this first-hand every time the bride, groom or parents dictate no booze. The part is OVER right after dinner if there's no booze.
Nothing kills a party more than a $hitty dj that cant keep a dance floor. Learn to beatmatch, stop using a computer and get that dance floor going.
I have to defend the DJ here, sorry Frankie. People leave after dinner, before the dance starts. You know, that hour where the waiters clean up the place after dinner – The DJ hasn't yet had time to even try to entertain the guests.
I think that the booze decision depends on the tone of the wedding, number of guests, etc. My first wedding (yes, I'm "experienced," LOL) was an evening wedding, 150 guests, DJ'ed – in other words, a PARTY. The place where we had the reception wouldn't let us have anything more than beer and wine, but we did provide both for the guests, as much as they wanted, and free (we did close the bar an hour before the reception was over). My SECOND wedding, however, was an early afternoon affair and much smaller – just close friends and family, about fifty people – and it was held in the church hall, where booze was verboten. Everyone still had a nice time.
stop thinking every guest cares about the bride and groom....half the people there are dates of someone and dont give a crap about the bride and groom, the least they are entitled to is a few drinks to have a better time...and yes more drinks does ensure a better time and thats a fact...stop acting like 75 yr olds...the more drunk u are the funner the night is
I bet less than 1/2 the people even care. People go to weddings because they feel obligated to, not because they want to. Yes, we go to our good friends and close family weddings because we want to honestly be there to celebrate their wedding. But all the other people that get married and invite you simply because A) they know a friend of a friend, B) they are your second cousin, whom you can't even place their face, C) they want to appear to have lots of friends, or D) they just want more gifts, then yes, please have booze at your weddings.
your absolultey right...ive been to about 12 weddings....2 that i ever cared about...and im getting married in 12 days..i have about 50 people on the list ive never even heard of..her moms friends my moms friends...but im still providing the liqour lol
Well – Sam, that's a good point – people that invite half the planet to their weddings: (i) can probably afford the booze to begin with, and (ii) are gunning for the wedding gift jackpot. My second wedding had no booze – but we were also not registered anywhere, and our invitations stated "no gifts."
People are "entitled" to free booze, free dinner, and now free health care should they get lit up and wreck the car on the way home. Got to love Obama's Amerikkka.
This has nothing to do with politics – we are discussing booze. Go somewhere else. (I am kidding, don't get all defensive on me)
If there aint no booze, then you gotta cruise……
After reading all these posts I feel like an ass for having a cash bar 5 years ago at my wedding. We had free appetizers, beer and champagne all night but the hotel we had it at didn't allow for us to bring our own booze for a cash bar, they had to provide it. I didn't want to fork out thousands for my rowdy friends to enjoy Crown Cokes all night, so, I had a cash bar and I didn't pay the tab. I wanted to have the event at a hotel so that IF guests know they tend to over-drink at weddings, they could reserve a room in advance. But, it was stricly a party, I flew the bridal party to a destination wedding in Florida, paid for their rental cars and hotel rooms for 4 nights to attend my ceremony. (by the way, this was a waste of my money, take my advice and elope.) So is it still wrong to not pay the cash bar? I didn't expect gifts; I truly think they are a waste of peoples hard earned money. I would rather buy myself that fancy Kitchen-Aid mixer than giving it to my friend that is going to get divoriced in 3 years and end up giving it to their X anyhow.
Dude whats with your issue with people getting divorced? so you dont give a nice gift cause they might get divorced?
I don't have an "issue" with people getting divoriced. I don't care what they do. What I have an issue with, is a bride and groom expecting a nice fancy gift on my dime, when their marriage is clearly going to go down the drain as fast as it it was finalized. I am in no way implying that everyone gets divoriced, some couples are happy and yes, deserve a nice wedding gift because it is real. But usually the bride and groom that are most concerned about the dollar amount of the gift they are receiving are crappy people and are likely to end up in divorice. I just saw so many posts of people saying that if you can't afford a nice gift, don't insult them by giving crappy ones or small ($20-$30), I just think that is wrong.
I understand what your saying. You never know whos gonna last and who is going to split up. Just go and have fun, give your gift and be done. I think of it as a night out. I bring a date and pay for the night with a gift ya know?
That is a really good way to look at it Frankie. Good call – thanks!
Anyone who needs alcohol to not be bored is a stupid person with an empty head. Sadly, that seems to be about 80% of the current human population.
Oh, and weddings are not about YOU, they are about the newly wedded couple. Again, I guess I'm not surprised that the same people that are too stupid to have fun dancing and conversing while sober are the same ones that are "offended" that the bride and groom didn't provide the "Ritz Carlton" experience. Get over yourselves you whining lame-brained narcissists.
anyone that doesnt provide it is cheap and boring....im thankful ive never attented a boring wedding
I'm thankful you weren't at MY wedding – and I wonder how the brides/grooms at the weddings you HAVE attended would feel about your entitled attitude.
It needs to be noted "cash bar" in the invite because one should not expect to receive a nice, or as nice, of gift if you're making your guests pay for drinks. Some people miss the point. It's not about getting drunk it's about paying for drinks. It is a matter of principle. There are all sorts of wedding ranging from practically $0 to millions but if your going to spend $0 don't register for fine china, etc. Use your heads.
BTW – I went to a wedding with a cash bar. There was only champagne for the toast. It was actually the classiest and MOST FUN wedding I've been too. The set up was beautiful! The hotel was lavish. The setting was small and intimate, we knew and cared about the bride/groom and those of us who wanted a drink got one. No one was offended. The food was GREAT!!! That is what I remember most. That and the fact the bride looked so happy, radiant and beautiful and that she cared enough about us to invite us to her special day. When people really care about you THESE are the types of things that are important. They are a young (educated) couple in their 20's. They paid for the wedding themselves! It wouldn't make sense for them to go into debt for a 'party' that lasts under 5 hours. A lot of people have said a reception is a party. True, however, how many parties for you thrown where you paid $125 a head for the attendees'? Or where there were 200 guests over? And NO it didn't stick in my mind that we paid for our drinks. We just had a blast enjoying the couple. I just remember the wedding as a fun time!
I'm so glad you said this – because it is EXACTLY the way things should be. :)
Whoa, I completely agree!! My fiance and I are currently debating the no-alcohol thing. We're young grad students, inviting only close family and friends and are doing a casual luncheon. No one's coming and staying in hotels, no one's paying for suits and we're inviting all the kids. I fail to see how I "owe" people alcohol for coming...aren't you coming because you're important to us?
I'm sorry, but if the guest are only coming because there will be alcohol later, then they shouldn't attend. If you can't go an hour or two without an adult beverage, then you need to seek counselling.
"Most maintain that if guests are going to the time and expense of attending nuptials, the least the happy couple can do is make sure they don't have to peck their way through the Chicken Dance stone cold sober."
Sorry, but that's just BS. If you're only going to drink, save the newly weds the time and money and send a Congratulations card and be on your way.
all this debate...the answer is really simple...cash bar=low class....thats it...its really tacky and low class and belive me your guests will never look at you the same
I have to travel 4 hours each way on Labor Day weekend (yes, Sunday/holiday weekend wedding, rude?), rent 2 nights hotel at $189 per night, get a $100 gift, buy a suit, get a babysitter for the entire weekend ($$$), plus all the extras. You are damn right I expect alcohol at the wedding receotion. In fact, I expect it all weekend.
Sam, get over it. I am sure that no one was inconvenienced for your wedding.
Yes, I am sure they were. And I made sure they had pleny of booze and good food in return for their inconvenience. You missed my point.
Sam – if it was such an inconvenience, why did you go? Did you go because it was a loved one? Or did you go with an expectation?
I haven't gone yet, it is Labor Day weekend. And I have to go out of obligation/expecation. And before the comments roll in people, yes, we have all gone to a wedding out of obligation. It happens, all the time and we are expected to go. What I don't like is forking over all the dough for something that I am not even going to give 2 years life expectancy for.
Your wedding guests should not have to pay for anything at your wedding. Simple as that. Make cuts in other areas, like ridiculously expensve floral arrangements or stupid wedding favors that people throw away as soon as they leave.Great wedding receptions aren't receptions, they're parties... treat it as such and think about your guests enjoyment and comfort.
Agree with you!! :)
I don't think it is too much to ask. :)
i went to a cheap wedding last week where the food was terrible and cocktail hour was bad too but they still had an open bar...liqour i would say is more important than food
Dont be cheap people. pay for the open bar
Ok, here's a question. Everyone is saying you should bring a gift to "cover your plate". Why is it then, if you can't make it to the wedding, the bride and groom still expect you to get them a gift and send it? No one really cares about the "true spirit of gift giving" anymore, so what is the point of being obligated to send the gift?
I think the rule is if you attend the event your supposed to cover your plate. If you cannot make it then whatever you send is acceptable
If you can't afford the cost of the wedding you want, then maybe it'd be better to think about down-sizing to fit your budget and inviting only the number of guests you can afford to entertain. Or opting for less expensive menu & drink options from the caterer. Asking guests to pay their own way? That's tacky and low class. If someone sent me an invitation to a wedding where I'd have to pay my own way, I doubt I'd even respond.
its not proper to host an event and not provide liqour...unless your weird like a mormon or something...a wedding is usually on a weekend and people tend to want to have a drink on a weekend evening...and i dont mean to get drunk but a glass of wine with your meal is the norm, so please provide it
Havm
I am not sure from where the sense of entitlement flows. It's improper not to provide alcohol at an event you are hosting. Either you are made of money, or have no idea how normal people live. This is not like a party at home, or a backyard barbecue, where I could not agree more. This is a wedding reception where enough money has already been spent. Plenty of people can afford a nice wedding and not afford an open bar.
To say it is improper only goes to show that you will pass judgment on people who are not of the same financial status as you. As you note, I do not say class, as it is obvious you have little.
Again, white trash with money is still white trash.
Dave – well put!
There are quite a few frugal people on this thread. Really. Would you go to a nice place to eat and not pay for your meal? If they told you that drinks were not included would you leave? People I hate to tell you all this but a wedding is a business. Face it. its 2010, not 1950. Times, people and issues change. Keep up or get left behind.
A wedding is not a business, and dining out in a restaurant is a completely different scenario. Weddings are a ceremony & celebration of a couple committing to being a married couple and starting their lives together. Dining out is feeding yourself. A restaurant operates as a business, a caterer ioperates a business, but a wedding is not a business, and asking guests to pay their own way has no place at a wedding in my book. If you can't afford it, then downsize the wedding to fit your budget.
I am all for the open bar. I had one at my wedding. I am talking about the gifts that you can expect from people. COVER YOU PLATES CHEAPSKATES lol
Would I go to a nice place to eat and not pay for my meal? Sure, if it didn't live up to expectations/was served at the wrong temperature/was overcooked. Bad analogy.
As I said in another post...when I got married, I considered the gifts thoughtful gestures from my friends, not a means to re-coup the cost of the wedding. the guests should people you want to spend time with and, therefore, don't mind buying them a nice dinner.
2nd: If I go out to dinner, i don't except to be charged more for the same meal that other patrons are eating. If you call a caterer and say you are planning a retirement party then call back and say you are planning a wedding. The wedding will often cost you more –even though the menu is the same including a huge cake for dessert.
Also, since I normally can't afford to spend $150, i don't go to expensive restaurants. i can't choose where a couple decides to get married. If they choose something that is ridiculously out of my price range, i should think they would also understand i can't afford to "cover my plate". So...if you are Dr. and you get invoted to a black tie wedding , but only give $20 that is pretty cheap. But, if you area a teacher or something and your lawyer friend invites you to their $300 a plate wedding in NYC, it is rude of them to think you will give them a $300 gift. (Even with more than a year to save for it.)
Last comment: Anybody invited to my wedding would be either family, who are "cheap" themselves and appreciate the idea of not spending beyond one's means just to keep up appearances, or they're friends who may not be cheap themselves but already know that I am and like me anyway :-) My advice to anybody who's really stressed out about this silly little difference of opinion is: do what you want, invite who you want, and have a good time. It's YOUR wedding.
Dry weddings are tacky...don't expect people to shell out lots of money to attend your event, bring you a gift, and dedicate what usually ends up being an entire Saturday to you, and then expect them to shell outr money for a glass of wine. You don;t need to have an top-shelf, open bar, but for goodness sake, have an open cocktail hour and then just beer and wine.Have sojme class, its your weding and you're hosting these people. I had a full open bar not only at my wedding, but at my rehersal dinner and after party. 85% of my guests traveled from out state and spent thousands on pklane fare and hotels....and I'm going to make them pay for a drink. Tacky
Let me guess – did your daddy pay for the wedding?
Actually, no, I paid for it... but thanks for the sarcastic and bitter comment... clearly, marriage hasn't gone well for you
i bet some of you hicks wonder why people in the big city dont get $20 presents....because we provide our guests with liqour.....learn to party and enjoy life you drones
I dunno what sort of posh, ritzy parties you go to, but the ones i go to or throw myself include a couple cases of beer and maybe some hard liquor, but if you want something more or different than that, you are tasked with bringing it yourself. Maybe it's the whole college thing, but i see nothing wrong with charging for liquor after a certain amount of time or only having a limited amount of free booze on hand. Learn to enjoy the life that you have between drunken stupor and you might find that the "hicks" you demean are a lot more fun than your alcoholic frat buddies.
I live in DC and have lived in many other large cities. Yeah 20 is a bit cheap but then those people don't live in the same area as you. However even here in the city there are people who may not be able to afford more than 20-30 for a gift. It's the thought. If that's all they can afford then that's great, if they're just being cheap that's different. Calling everyone hicks and insulting people just shows how classless you truely are. Maybe you should remember that those hicks and farmers are the only reason your pampered azz has food to put in your F'n mouth.
ok sorry for making fun of the hicks....but no $30 is not acceptable gift, dont come to the wedding if thats all you cant afford...the person that said its the thought that counts was cheap...everyone likes the more expensive gifts better
Please point out in his post where he said or made mention of farmers....
And I'll bet that you city slickers invite the entire town to your weddings just because you want the gifts.
I'd rather have a small wedding with the people that really cared about me than invite a bunch of booze-sucking freeloaders in the hopes that they'll buy me the fifty-dollar napkin rings I scanned onto my registry with the little gun at Neiman Marcus.
Get a grip!
wow. So here is my thoughts. Wedding and Reception are two different portions of the days event. I do believe there should be no drinking at the wedding ceremony or before it. As for the reception, it's a term that means to greet the new bride and groom and at the time, to celebrate their wedding. Now, the norm is to have an bar. If you cannot afford one, you will opt for a cash bar, in which case, the high cost of peoples drinking habits do not come upon the bride/groom. But if you are going to get a nice place, spend money on the wedding and the recepjtion place, than do the honorable thing and have an open bar. Truth be told, the cost of open bar is not that crazy, it's negotiated at a price for so many hours. And if you're inviting people to celebrate and to let them have a good time at your event, you are indeed planning your wedding/reception towards the guest, more than you think. If you want the best cake, it's because the guest are going to eat it more than you.. if you plan to serve good food.. you thought of the guests.. etc.. It's not about cheap , but if you plan to have a wedding, but you cannot do it large.. have a cash bar.. if you plan the guests to give you good amount of gift .. or like your bridesmaid/groomsmen to spend money for tuxedos/dresses, .. or to attend a wedding fro out of town.. sometimes.. there is a desire to be taken care of.. like with good foood..and drinks.. nothing wrong with that.
with all your f*cking rules I don't want to go to any of your weddings!
Ok, so what if you have a small wedding ceremony with parents and a best friend for bride and groome, and then have a party/reception later? Whats wrong with BYOB?? I mean, if I was having bridesmaids and a wedding party and rehearsal dinner and all of that crap, it would be different. But noone HAS to attend anything. And like most of you said, weddings are boring, I'm not asking anyone to dress up or anything. I'm just saying, come party with me because we just got married. I don't know what is wrong with everybody. I guess this is just based on your traditional/formal wedding format, but that is a waste of money anyway. A big expensive dress, flowers, cake, and for WHAT??? I just wanna party with my friends, and if my friends want me to pay them in beer to attend a party, screw them. Thats the same as paying someone to hang out with you.... I just don't get this.
Janice – weddings have become big business. People have turned it from a party/feast with friends and family to a huge money-making juggernaut – both for the happy couple and the various people that bilk them (dress, food, florists, hair, makeup, tuxes, reception hall, etc.). Bridal magazines, television shows and the like fill people's heads with a bunch of CRAP ideas about what weddings should and should not be – hence the idiocy of many of the comments you see here. Ultimately – it's about the couple, and whatever they decide to do should be good enough and acceptable by the friends and family in attendance at their wedding. If people don't like it – they don't belong at the celebration and don't deserve to be there in the first place.
A gift is just that - a GIFT, not barter in exchange for a meal.
i try to cover my plate and give extra all i want in exchange is a bud light or two
I've heard of this as a "rule" to follow when gift giving, but I don't like it. I give what i want to give and base how much on how close I am to the wedding couple. Also, when I got married we had a few friends who were still in college or just starting out in their careers. My preference at the time was that they come and share my day, than to stay home because they couldn't give me "enough". I saw the wedding gifts as thoughtful gestures from friends and family, not as a way to re-coup the cost of my wedding.
I think the issue here is NOT that the only way to have fun at the wedding is having free flowing alcohol and having people pay would limit the amount of alcohol (fun) people can have but rather what impression people get of the couple getting married. If a couple can't afford an open bar, then don't have alcohol at all. By making your guest pay, that will stick in their minds forever and conveys an impression that the couple want's something outside their price range the only way to get it is to make the guests pay for it.
Open bars can be expensive, but it would be better to have no alcohol at all rather than to make the couple look cheap by having guests pay....
I don't get the whole "open bar or bust" mentality. Personally i'd never opt for a solely cash bar, because i think it would be a waste, but i don't like the idea of people having complete and unfettered access to as much booze as they want either. I've read a few good looking compromises, a limited time open bar followed by a cash bar, a limited stock of booze, etc. Why people feel entitled to unlimited flowing booze is beyond me.
If you don't want to spend the money to attend the wedding or give a gift, then don't. Also your choice.
If I'm giving a party, I get to decide what to serve. My choice. If you're offended by having to pay for alcohol, you don't have to drink or attend the party. Your choice. I don't feel obligated to provide cigarettes for guests who smoke, and nobody seems to be expect that, so why the big deal about booze? I enjoy a drink myself, but I understand that not everybody wants to pay for others to indulge in a habit they don't condone, or perhaps they had a fixed budget and chose to spend that money on inviting a few more guests rather than paying a higher price per head and leaving out some of their friends and family. A cash bar, mentioned in advance on the reception invitation, seems to me like a reasonable compromise that allows those who want to drink to do so without breaking the wedding couple's bank and also allows anyone who's offended by that to stay home.
Of course it's your choice to have a cash bar or not. Just like I get to choose to think you're a cheapskate. Fact is, the reception is a party, and you want you want people to have fun and enjoy themselves. And another fact is, it's a lot more fun with an open bar. Deprive your guests of that if you wish, but know the downside – when people tell you how much they loved your wedding, they will be lying, and folks will think you're cheap.
..and we'll simply think of you as a shallow, vapid leach, JCS.
Our wedding was a party that we invited guests too. As a result we had free beer and wine but cash for liquor. This was just because we could barely afford the tab for just the beer and wine and I had too many shots purchased for me as it was, if they were free I would have been getting sick.
Having grown up in a different time and with different thinking, it at first seemed odd to me that there would be alcohol served at any wedding. We had church weddings, with simple cake, punch, finger sandwiches, and mints. Friends and families had fun, wished the bride and groom well, and everyone left happy. It made for a good wedding for us 26+ years ago, and we would do the same again today. Oh, and we do drink, so don't think that this is a teetotaller's opinion.
i have read some pretty distrubing stuff in the comments....$20 presents, no liquor weddings....hey you know what...a 4,000 sq ft 4 bdrm is not in my budget right now...so im not going to buy it....in other words...better not to have a wedding than have a crappy one and embaress yourself and your family. go to city hall
I agree with you my friend. If you cant afford to do it right, DONT DO IT. Have a justice of the peace marry you and have a BBQ in your backyard.
yeah! poor people shouldn't get married!
Well said JCS...could not agree more
For those of you so worried about "drunken louts ruining your wedding", I would suggest that the problem lies less in the availability of alcohol than it does in the caliber of the guests you are inviting.
The fact that a lot of people suggest cash bars are inappropriate has nothing to do with wanting to take advantage of the birde/groom or getting plastered on someone else's dime – it is just that it is viewed as insulting to ask people to potentially spend a few hundred bucks on a plane ticket, a few hundred more on a hotel, a couple hundred for a gift...and then charge me $5 for a Bud Lite at the reception? Tacky.
I totally agree with you JCS! And how do we go from someone wanting to enjoy a glass of wine with dinner to everyone jumping all over them calling them an alcoholic??? If you can't tell the difference than maybe you do need to look at the people you surround yourself with.
I will admit, I have been to a couple of weddings that did not have alcohol and I honestly can say I was bored outta of my mind but that was because they didn't have a DJ or a Band..It was just a big social gathering...Weddings like this I honestly believe should be short but that just my opinions...PPl are missing the entire point....Bride and Grooms invite ppl to their wedding for support and because they care about your pressence..No one just randomly send out invitations to ANYONE who wants to come...So the fact that you received an invite should be an honor...They invite ppl that they love and care about and ppl who they believe feels the same about them...THATS WHAT IT IS ALL ABOUT! Not how much you spent to come to there wedding or the fact that you didn't receive a drink. Its' not YOUR wedding, Brides and Grooms have the right to say yay or nay to drinking and YOU as a guest need to RESPECT that decison.
With that being said, I would NEVER ask my guest to pay for something at my wedding...I respect ppl's decision to do this but I would never do it. I just recently went to a party and had to pay to get in...I kinda upset at the idea but I'm not gonna sit here and gripe about it because If I had such a huge problem with it I wouldn't have went..I suggest you guestzilla suffering from entitlement to do the same.
PRO OPEN BAR, beer & wine at the very least.
Alot of the arguments are: "my second-cousin is a recovering alcholic, so we didn't serve at the wedding".
No disrespect to people in recovery, but I don't think that's a reason to ban the entire guest list from enjoying alcohol. They say food is an addiction.... does that mean you can't serve spinach artichoke dip, too?
Ha Ha Ha...this is indeed true...I respect a couples decision to do as they chose but I wouldn't cut something out of my wedding that I want because of acouple of ppl...I'll just cut them from the list that includes family..Sorry!
I it is time to re-think weddings. I've listened to too many horror stories of weddings that were "ruined" by drunken guests, etc. because the guest list was based on inviting people to network with or because your parents wanted to impress someone. The first thing to go from my guest list was the co-workers my mom wanted to invite whom I had never met (I was paying for the wedding, BTW). I also refused to invite my 3rd cousin once removed who I had only met once when i was 5. Or colleagues that i only know in passing. I'm happy to say that when we had the receiving line after the ceremony, my husband and I knew each person well enough to hug them and happily exchange a few words. No awkward handshakes while trying to remember the person's name). I tried to think of my guests as much as possible without ignoring my own needs/wants. And I cared more about having fun with all of them than what gift they brought and how much it cost. I also enjoyed having friends and family around us to wish us well and share in our happiness.
So, of course, I threw them a good party! full meal, open bar, everything. My only regret is that it couldn't last longer!
After reading what a lot of people others call "friends" on here, I'm all-the-more thankful we got married with just a few very close friends and a little bit of family. We took all 20 people out for a very nice dinner w/a couple bottles of wine at the table. Everyone we wanted to be there was there, we didn't go broke, and we didn't care about presents, nor did we care about people being offended if we didn't allow them to drink like #$(*ing fish on our dime.
My two cents: by having a reception, you're throwing a party. In most cases, you wouldn't have a cash bar (or cash ANYTHING) at a party. However, if you were throwing a party at your home, you probably wouldn't have every single variety of liquor available to your guests. I attended a wedding two weekends ago that didn't offer liquor OR a cash bar – just beer and wine. Perfectly fine.
To the bridezillas (and groomzillas) out there, remember: while your guests are generally honored to attend your wedding, some guests really do sacrifice to get there. If you can offer them a drink or two when all is said and done, it's appreciated. (It's even more appreciated if we've had to sit through a really long ceremony with terrible music, and if you expect everyone to join in ridiculous line dances during the reception.)
To those calculating the cost of a meal versus your "income" in presents: how tacky. Would you like your guests to submit itemized lists of how they spent money towards your wedding? Does the IRS allow deductions for that?
Last thought: if you're looking to save money, don't have cake. Seriously – so much of it goes to waste, and it's infuriatingly expensive. And very few people will say, "Gosh, I had really nice cake at a wedding in 1998." They'll say, "Wow, what a great reception. They didn't even play the Electric Slide."
I am one of those people who looked to see who gave me what. Again, I just want you to cover your plate. It is being cheap. It has nothing to do with your finances. If you really wanna give me a gift, stay home and put 50$ in a card. Otherwise coming to my wedding and eating for two @ 150$ per head and leaving me 200$ is being cheap.
You could have called the place and found out what the going rate per person is there and based your gift accordingly.
So John, out of curiosity: what if it was, say, your aunt or your grandma? Someone on a fixed income? Is it more important to you that a person like this "cover their plate" – is their attendance that meaningless to you? That makes me sad.
Well they should try to cover it. If they cant fine, they are on a fixed income and are too old to work Im sure. Thats why its important for everyone else to cover their plate. For the record, I dont think you need to have all those older folks at your RECEPTION. They dont dance, dont drink, and generally sit there. I was quite glad alot of my family said no. It made it easier for me to invite my friends who know me better than some aunt who lives in South Dakota that I never see.
Why don't you just charge people at the door if that's your expectation? Really, so if you invite a younger relative say 16-17 year old you expect them to shell out 2 or 3 hundred for a gift for you? Is that per person or can a couple both sign the card? Sorry but what you can afford and what others can afford are two different things. If someone that you know make 300k a year gives you a 20$ gift I can see being offended but expecting everyone that attends to run out and spend at least 200 on you is selfish. I don't invite people over to eat dinner and assume they'll bring me gifts to the equal amount that I spent on their food. It's nice if they bring something but not mandatory so I wouldn't invite people to a wedding and just assume they should spend a certain amount either. Then again I would only invite people that are truely important and not everyone I could think of just to have a big wedding...
When I go to someones house for dinner I usually bring wine or dessert. I do it cause its the right thing to do. I was raised with certain things being taught to me about proper etiquette. I didnt invite anyone that was 16 or 17 to my wedding. I have a large family as did my wife. We are not cheap when we go to functions, and we expect the same.
Most weddings I have been to I was notified about them up to and over one year. Now if you cant put away 10$ a week for a year knowing that you have a wedding to attend then you have some kind of saving issue. Its one thing if you are poor, its quite another if you piss your money away knowing you have obligations that YOU ACCEPTED by saying YES to someones wedding.
John, for someone who claims to have "proper etiquette", I find your attitude to be crass and boorish.
Ok so I'm a guy so I already know I'm wrong . I'm not married but I have a tremendous fear of the TENS OF THOUSANDS of dollars expected to be thrown away for a wedding. Where and how did Americans get to the point that the average wedding costs $27,000? Has this little 'worst recession since the 30's taught us anything? Again, I know its futile convincing bridezillas (and the dopes they marry) to stop trying to keep up with the bankrupt Jones', but why can't a couple/family on a budget focus on a solid ceremony and throwing a good party? Cut out all the BS aka wedding planners (Earth will still spin if everything doesnt go exactly to plan), $5/ea invitiations, limos, perfectly matching 'Bride and Groom' garbage. Get thrifty. Find a hall where you can provide your own booze/bartenders, cut out the uselessness, and save thousands and still show everyone a good time! Now I just need to find a spendthrift girl... :)
John, you need to find yourself a Cougar. MUCH better in the sack as well...:)
Actually a budget friendly wedding is more possible than most people think. The problem is you have to be wiling to put in the time and make some choices. It won't be lavish like hollywood stars have, but it doesn't need to be a backyard BBQ either. You also need to know how to utilize your skills. For example: my aunt made her own wedding dress. she is an excellent seamtress, so no one could tell the difference. I've done some work with desktop publishing, etc. So, I made my own wedding invitation and sent them to Kinkos for printing. They weren't formal enough for a black tie type wedding, but they were perfect for a semi-formal wedding. It just depends on what you want and what is most important to you.
Totally agree!
ive never read about more people in recovery...i think i figured it out....being a redneck and not wanting to pay for your guests to drink directly correlates to having alcoholic family and friends, so i guess u can say all rednecks are alcoholics
This is the argument my fiance and I are having at the moment. He thinks an open bar is critical for the whole event. I think a cocktail hour plus beer, wine, a signature cocktail and an open cash bar for anything else is acceptable. We will probably go with the open bar all night at $60 a head. I think most folks who demand the open bar have no idea how much it costs.
People are missing the point. there are good reasons for a cash bar. You can say what you want, but a cash bar does limit the amount of ETOH going around. The cost of drinks is very high and can bust the budget no matter how large or small the wedding. You can not compare this to the cost of the food, dress etc etc since those costs are all fixed, and there is a limit. for example..theres just so much food and cake. Once gone its gone. Not so with the bar. For our wedding, all the champage was provided, and one bottle of wine per table for dinner. Other than that, everyone paid for their own G+Ts. No one complained and no one got seriously drunk. People wiill binge if its free. When something is free..people take more than they should. Alcohol is not the focus! The Bride and Groom are the focus,a nd for that person who said that no one gives a %^&* about the Bride and groom should not go to anyones wedding..no one needs friends like that
Time to downscale. When my husband and I got married four years ago we had our ceremony in Big Basin State Park with 15 members of our family and our close friends. My husband was in law school and I was getting my masters degree so we had a budget. We all hand dinner at a local restaurant, a beautiful cake, champagne and everyone could order the meal of their choice. There were at least three people who were in recovery so we didn't make the alcohol the center. For my own experience the more money spent on a wedding the less like the marriage was to last. Of course my sample is small but I would love to do a study of wedding cost and divorce rates to see if their is a correlation. I think many of the complaints on this message board would be solved if people just downscaled their wedding and focus on the love and family and those who really give a damn about you and your future.
Too bad a bear did not eat you and your wedding party it sounds more like a picnic for losers then a wedding to me. You smell go wash yourself.
Lets talk about people who bring kids to a wedding. I hate that more than anything. Who really wants kids running around and screaming all night. Keep em home, or dont come to my wedding. Discuss
Agreed a million bazillion percent. Unless they're in the wedding (or unless you're getting married at Chuck E Cheese), there's no reason for young kiddoes to be there.
Inevitably, though, someone always needs to bring Bratleigh McSpecialson with them. Boo.
I understand the complaint, but I also think people fail to plan for kids even if they want them there. My husband has a daughter from his first marriage, so kids were a definitely thing for our wedding. We planned so they would have a good time too with a little help from our DJ. All the kids who were old enough to eat by themselves without any help sat at 2 kid's table (with their parents at the tables surrounding them, of course. We did separate wedding favors for them –little bags with pencils, crayons, stamps, notepads, stickers, etc plus a light up necklace (you can find these cheap online). We skipped the centerpieces at these tables too, so there were no worries about anything getting broken. They had all had a great itme playing together! The parents definitely helped out by still being aware of what their kids were doing, but they all appreciated that we took time to help them too.
While we were waiting for dinner the DJ notice that only kids were out dancing, so he did the hokey pokey with just the kids. We had asked him not to do those types of things because I hate being forced into them at weddings, but cleared that as an exception with me. It was a good call because it helped break the ice with the kids and get them started playing together.
Hmmm. a wedding is all about the drinking? the only way to have fun is alcohol, and lots of it? Why else bother to go and bring a gift? And the gift is commensurate with how much food and booze and the quality thereof, kind of, a contract type of deal?
That is how I thought when I was still an active alcoholic who thought she drank just like everybody else.
With sobriety and maturity came an awareness that it was really about the people, and giving something back.
kids dont belong at a wedding unelss its the ring boy/flower girl etc...leave the kids with a aitter
I wish you could give me back the 2 minutes it took to read your posting. I hate you.
I have cracked up at every single one of your comments meatman. Thanks for the laughs.
Cash bar is a deterrent to druken filth ruining your party. If you must get tanked to enjoy, stay home! I'd prefer a Champagne toast, and that's it. I have seen too many receptions spiral into drunken stupidity. Having grown up with a drunken lout for a step parent, I have ZERO tolerance for behavior under the influence. It is good manners to feed and entertain guests. Period. I wouldn't want the liability. If you won't come/stay because there's no booze (I didn't announce ahead at my wedding) count yourself out of my life. I've no tolerance for people who put any priority on drinking. I have one occasionally, because I want one. Not because I can't have fun without it, that's bull.
I don't drink much at all.Neither does my husband. We had guests who do drink alcohol. Non alcoholic drinks (soda, coffee, juice, etc...) was covered with the meal. We didn't have a huge budget for our wedding, so we did what we could. We paid for the drinks of the wedding party and my dad and father -in-law paid for the drinks of their friends who came from out of state to share our day. Anyone else who wanted somethignt o drink bought their own or had what was provided with their meals. I have attended a wedding that was very upscale. The grooms friends knew that the bride's father was paying for the open bar – so they got wasted figuring it wasn't their money – and made sure they ordered top shelf beverages. The alcohol bill alone was more than 7 grand! Some people just don't have the money to pay for other people to binge.
My husband and I both drink every now and then, but we had a dry wedding because I have many alcoholics in my family and we both have many friends who are recovering alcoholics. With his dad being our pastor and most of the guests being congregation, it is a debatable subject between people we know. I wanted our wedding to be about our wedding, not how many people we could get drunk and offend all at the same time. Weddings are supposed to be about a commitment between two people in front of God and those who will uphold their commitment to each other. It is neither here nor there whether alcohol is appropriate to have or not have at a wedding. It should be about what the bride and groom want on their day. If someone is upset about not having alcohol then they can either throw a fit or not show, doesn't matter. On that day, it isn't about anyone else but the bride and groom. Guests should be there because they want to be apart of their day, to witness something beautiful, not to smooch off of friends/family to pay for their binge drink.
If you don't like that you have to pay for your drinks or that there are none to be had, then simply don't go. It would be better off for the bride and groom anyway, because obviously you aren't there for them.
OMG...Really!? So so many guestzilla's on here...So I got an Idea...I'm gonna have nothing but alcohol and Cake at my wedding! How does that sounds...Obviously, no ones cares about about the full lavish buffet or sit down dinner that's being provided, everything is all about the guest getting drunk. So now that you got your alcohol will I still get my $350-500 wedding gift?
HAte to break it to you, but MOST people grab something to eat before they actually "sit down" to your stupid dinner because let's face it, when they are cooking for 130+ people, and serve it all at once, the quality is SORELY COMPROMISED.
What kind of idiotic response...Seriously, So the quality of hotels and restaurants catering are compromised even though they are company who serves I'm sure more that 130+ ppl a day...Really where are you from? Every wedding I have ever attended the food was GREAT! And guess what else..the food was actually non existent by the end of the event...so sorry for you and the sucky weddings you have attended. And the fact that ppl like you put some much on having a drink worries me. My wedding is not a night out at the club. Go get wasted on your own dime.
SN: I have no problem with alcohol at a wedding my problem is how strongly Guest feel they should be entitled to get something even though the wedding is about the bride and groom...Classless and Super Selfish!!!
At my wedding, I provided 3 kegs, 2 cases of Merlot and 2 cases of Chardonnay. Not including the champagne that we went through. I spent around $600 alone for alcohol, and didn't charge my friends and family a dime for it. I made my special occasion not just about me, but about the celebration!
Those of you who demand alcohol at a wedding have a serious problem. You are supposed to be there to support the bride and groom as they begin married life...not to go drink yourselves under the table. It is the bride's family who should make the decision on whether alcoholic drinks are served...open bar or cash bar optional. My family doesn't drink and most of my friends don't either...those that do drink usually have only one. At a wedding it is all about the nuptial couple...
The comments on the board have inspired me to elope. You people make attending a wedding seem like being asked to help build someone a garage. It's not a favor you are doing them. They include you because they care about you. If you don't care enough about them to be there without a horrible entitled attitude you should stay home.
Best Entry Yet!
We had a booze free wedding for multiple reasons.
1. My parents were paying and have huge issues with alcohol, so it wasn't an option.
2. Have you tried adding alcohol on a $4,000 wedding budget?
We did have music and dancing, however once the dancing started about half the guests left because they didn't approve of it. Other than that everyone seemed to have a good time and certainly no one complained about not having alcohol. The only thing I regret about my wedding was not doing what I wanted (eloping). If I could go back and do it again I'd tell my family to screw themselves and do exactly what I wanted for my day.
YOUR WEDDING SOUNDS LIKE IT WAS REALLY FUN. WAS THERE ALSO SOMEONE THERE TO KICK GUESTS IN THE BATTERIES ON THE WAY OUT THE DOOR.
YOU SUCK
I smell a stinky man troll...
Mountainmomma I smell your nasty hippie taco. Go clean that thing it smells like a dead fish wrapped in a crap flavored tortilla.
you suck
Angela – Let me guess, Southern Baptists?
Yup, I am not even American and my parents have a strict no alcohol policy in their home or anywhere around them. You guess why I am the complete opposite. I seriously am going to elope – there is no need to spend such a large amount of money for a few hours on something I could care less about. I would rather use it to buy a motorcycle or go snowboarding, etc. Plus, I think there is much more adventure and excitement in eloping. I am my parents only daughter so I am not sure if they will be too pleased, but oh well.
My wife and I had a dry wedding as we and most of our guests were in alcohol recovery. For the ones that wanted to drink we let them know well ahead of time that the wedding would be dry and they were welcome to handle it in any way they saw fit. We took the money that would have been spent on the booze and hired the most kick ass band you ever heard, instead of a much cheaper DJ. Many guests told us it was the best wedding they had ever attended.
Have you ever heard of a "cash cake", "cash per additional bread", "cash soup" or "cash salad" where if you want an additional slice of wedding cake, an additional piece or bread, another plate or soup or a little more salad you have to pay for it? No? Well that's because it's stupid to charge your guest for a party you are inviting them to.
My family is a middle class family and we have some relatives who have very limited expenses and every Christmas dinners we go celebrate with our grandparents, they don't pay for the whole party, they ask everyone to bring something, a dish, sodas, alcohol, dessert, and then we all share. This is way different than getting to my grandparents house and be given a coupon for "a valid for one drink, a small meal and salad" and be told, if you need and extra plastic fork please ask Uncle Pete to charge you 1 extra dollar sweetie!
So you're saying that a "pot luck" wedding where everyone brings things would be better? I guess it would have to be a BYOB wedding. I know what you're trying to say but you're example isn't a good one. There's a big difference beweent xmas dinner at grannys where everyone is paying for and brining food and a wedding where the bride and groom are paying for everyone. I personally think you should offer beer and/or wine at least or like my Brother did, buy a certain amount of one or two types of liquor in addition to the beer and wine and if people don't like it they can go purchase something else. Once the bottles run out then most people are satisfied and the heavy drinkers will be happy to buy more of their own.
Pot luck usually means "With any luck, somebody has pot", imho.
My wife is Asian and we were married in her home country, where they really do weddings right. Guests greet the bride and groom on their way into the hall, the bride and groom are later ushered in, and celebrated, after which they lead the toast, and then circulate for pics at each table while the guests eat. After some brief downtime, the B&G thank and bid goodbye to the guests as the leave. Took about two hours, and beer and soft drinks were served. Nobody got drunk or out of hand, and a good time was had by all.
Wow what a bunch of sick people.
My wedding was dry. I don't drink, my wife doesn't drink and it is part of our religious beliefs to not drink.
For the people I invited I don't care if you bring me a gift or not. I invited you because I like you and want you their. If I sent you an invite it was because I like you and wanted you to feel a part of me getting married. You do not need to send anything.
As to the quid pro quo folks. Please just don't come at all. Your no friend of mine.
And for anyone that invites me to a wedding. I will be glad to come if I can. I will bring a gift or send one because I care and or like you and I can afford it.
But I will not drink.
I have never seen such whacked out annoying folks in my life.
For those that do drink I would say it is up to you. The Champagne for the toast I have never seen anybody charge for but for the rest I suggest you do what what you want.
If you guests don't like it then I suggest you get better friends.
You people are completely missing the POINT!
It's not about whether you serve alcohol or not, it's about CHARGING FOR IT! Geez! Can't anyone comprehend anything anymore!?
Exactly that's what I've been saying! It's not about the alcohol!
You don't charge your guests for a slice of wedding cake, right? And wedding cakes can be quite expensive too...
Agreed! If you do not want booze, than don't serve any! If you want booze, don't charge for it! I would hang my head in SHAME if I invited people to MY PARTY and charged them for ANYTHING! They are MY GUESTS! Geez....For SHAME!!!
My wife and I got married last fall in a very non-traditional ceremony ( < 5 min!) followed by an even more non-traditional reception (BBQ, waterguns, and a cotton candy machine!). It was a small gathering; we had two 1/6 kegs and a few bottles of pink champagne, and ended the evening with both left over. We found that people didn't drink much, for a variety of reasons, but most of the comments we heard back were along the lines of "why stand around getting drunk when we can run around shooting people with waterguns?"
I agree that weddings need to be fun for the guests; it's the bride and groom's way of showing their appreciation for their guests' attendance at the ceremony. Just think outside the box a bit, provide something fun for your guests to do, and you can scale back on the amount of alcohol you'll be providing.
I had an open bar at my wedding. Full bar with beer, wine, and hard alcohol. We also had a Tequila stand for free tequila shots. There were about 150 people there and A LOT of people were pretty drunk by the end of the night. It was one of the best times I have ever had in my life. All my friends and relatives agree that it was one of the best weddings ever. There is no chance that it would have been nearly as fun if there was no alcohol. Sorry, that is just the truth. Why would you "honor" a recovering alcoholic by ruining it for everyone else just because that person can't handle it. Seems like that would make him/her feel bad about the whole situation as they watch the boredom of the evening. I am not saying that you should give everyone free drinks (if you can't afford it), but you should at least offer a cash bar.
im having a wedding in nyc in 2 weeks...its costing about 120k...fortuantly i have a great job and that wont be a problem. my priority is for my guests to have a great time because thats what its about. if i didnt care about my guests i would have a ceremony at my parents house for close family. Bottom line is the guests are important, they are coming to support you and your new life so give them a bud light with their steak because its the least they deserve
I agree. It is always a great idea to start life together with a $120K waste. Best of luck with the impending divorce there pal!
TRUTH, I THINK YOU ARE JUST JEALOUS THAT YOU SERVED SPAM AT YOUR WEDDING THE THE VFW HALL SMELLED OF OLD MAN FECES............
My whole wedding cost about 5 grand. Open bar was OUT OF THE QUESTION for the budget. We had champagne for the toast, and that's all we could afford. We also had a small guest list. Mostly just family and a handful of our closest friends. Neither my wife nor I understand the point of weddings for tens of thousands of dollars or more.
Not to mention, with alcoholics on my side of the family and drunken rednecks on hers, we felt it was wise to have no alcohol at all. The alcoholics on my side of the family attended. The drunken rednecks on hers did not. That was their prerogative. We were up-front about not providing alcohol. We didn't wind up with plastered morons ruining the event (which was a good chance with our families). The guests may remember that they were not provided alcohol at the wedding, but you'd better believe that my wife and I know EXACTLY who didn't come only because there was no alcohol.
ALCOHOLICS, REDNECKS AND POOR TO BOOT. YOU AND YOUR WIFE SHOULD BE STERILIZED BEFORE YOU BREED MORE ALCOH0LIC REDNECKS. I AM SURPRISED YOU CAN WRITE AND EVEN MORE SURPRISED YOU HAVE A COMPUTER. IS IT POWERED BY BURNING THAT PILE OF ANIMAL CRAP AND OLD TIRES IN YOUR WHITE TRASH BACKYARD.
Meathead, your uncle is done with your wife and wants you in the barn. He also wants you to bring your KY if you don't want to bleed again.
While in recovery you learn who is important in your life and how to associate new boundaries. You should be honored to even be considered as an attendant at a sober wedding. If you have problems attending a sober wedding then don't go. Without booze, weddings are still very expensive events ($125 per person on food alone). What you see as a problem may actually be the problem within yourself. Often times we see our flaws in others actions. I you decide not to attend a sober wedding of someone close in your life, then you probably should probably visit a meeting.
I do have to agree here. While I think "my dad's uncle's brother's cousin is in recovery" is a piss poor excuse, the bride and groom being in recovery is not. People in recovery shouldn't be buying drinks for others and I think it would be mortifying to expect them too! My dad and stepmom both had many years sober when they married and it didn't even occur to anyone that there would be drinks. They had a simple wedding and a cake and (virgin, obviously LOL!) punch open house/reception in the church hall and it was perfectly fine.
The marriage ceremony is the important part. The reception is the party afterwards. To celebrate. If you are unable to celebrate, then please just say you are unable to attend. It's ok. We didn't expect you anyway. But we wanted to be polite and include you. One of the best thing about weddings is you find out who loves you and wants to celebrate with you in whatever way possible and those who just want to get drunk.
We had a cash bar. Most of our relatives wouldn't be drinking at all. But the guys from the soccer team? Well, the cash bar slowed them down some. They were passed out drunk in the hotel after the afterparty, but *I* didn't have to worry about anyone drinking and driving at that point. And my parents didn't have to pay for their bender. We provided wine and champagne. If you simply could not get through the evening without hard liquor, the bar was available.
If you are someone who thinks we were cheap or that we were rude, we are so very glad you were unable to attend. Trust me. The people you call friends, don't want you there. They want you to come and celebrate with them. They don't want you to come just for free booze. So stay home.
And if you want to start a discussion about the couples (and brides in particular) who see such an event as a time to rake in the cash, then I'll have something to say about them as well.
If you can't face going to a wedding without drinking, then you have an alcohol problem and/or don't truly care enough about the bride and groom to be interested in their special day on their account rather than in what's in it for you, and therefore should politely decline to attend.
Assuming that a wedding will be "no fun" without alcohol is stupid. Who said booze was necessary to have a good time? I have the most hilarious friends, and they had a blast at my wedding, alcohol-free. I don't drink and my husband has a mild allergy, my parents are against it, and some of my husbands family also have health issues with drinking. I didn't see the point. My friends are not my friends because I provide them with alcohol, so why would my wedding day be any different?? They're here to celebrate, and if they're pissed off about no open bar - or any bar at all - then what kind of friend are they anyway?
alcoholics
Personally, if I had someone like Joan or any of the other people like complaining, then I would not invite him or her.
Get real. Check catering companies. One orders food at a 'per head' charge and when it runs out, it is gone. Should be the same for alcohol, champaigne to toast the couple and liquor at a cash bar for those that wish to drink alcoholic beverages. Who believes they deserve a free ride in this life. If you pay your own way in all things, you exit owing no one.
any couple who doesn't provide an open bar with at the very least beer and wine available are selfish and cheap. my standard gift amount would go down from $150-200, to about $50.
An open bar for the first hour? No thanks. Guests end up flooding the line and double fisting before the buzzer sounds. If you can't lay off the hard stuff for a night than you need help. And if you need to free up some budget you can always eliminate the DJ.
If you do not want to provide alcohol for your guests because you don't want to pay for it, just don't have any at all. A cash bar is always tacky.
@Clint
"At weddings the idea is to honor the bride & groom, not bankrupt them. Other the Champagne, a wedding is not a free ride, pay for your own drinks."
I can't believe the selfis attitudes. When I go to a wedding I go to celebrate with the couple. I buy a gift that is financially approproate for me and don't care what the booze situation is. I enjoy the other guests and send out my love to the happy couple.
do not have a wedding if your not financially ready...take some extra time...do it right
So many deep feelings about whether alcohol is a right or a privelege. It'll be nice when the presence or absence of such will make no difference to anyone. If it's there – make a toast and use it responsibility. If it's not – it's no big deal – everyone will most assured still put their best foot forward to have a wonderful time. A) for themselves and B) as a gift to their hosts.
Maybe all those with such strong feelings about the absence of it precluding their enjoyment need to do a little more introspection of what they find fulfilling in life.
Cheers All!
totally agree.
Most of the weddings I've been to have been combination (beer, wine and champagne for free; cash bar for liquor) and that seems fair to me. I'm confused by the people who insist there must be alcohol at a wedding for it to be worth going to and it MUST be free. You do realize a wedding invitation is not a subpoena, right? You don't HAVE to go. If you are only going to the wedding for the booze there may be a bigger problem. Are your friends and family that hard to stomach? You don't HAVE to go across the country for a person you never ever see. You don't HAVE to buy the $200 five slot bagel toaster/egg poacher. I think if the only thing you're looking forward to at a wedding is the alcohol why not save everyone the headache? Politely decline, send a nice card and a gift within your own means to afford if you feel so inclined. Then go do something with your time that you WANT to do.
I'm a broke grad student, I can't afford 75% of the things on most wedding registrys and I certainly can't afford to hop on a plane and stay in a motel (yes, Motel with an M). My friends and family know and understand this and don't mind because they know I WANT to be there and would be if I was able to. Not because of the food or the liquor, but because I want to help celebrate a special day with them. I think that's what a lot of people are forgetting in their whole "I've come from another planet and I've paid for XY and Z I'm entitled to a free drink!!" You didn't HAVE to lay out all that money nor travel that far if this couple wasn't important to you.
also, many weddings have an open bar during the 1-hour appetizer reception after the ceremony. once the bride and groom show up and do their first dance, then it becomes a cash bar. that seems fair to me. weddings are typically >$20,000. if you cannot spend a few dollars on a drink during the dinner and reception, then you should not be there because you are nothing more but a vulture.
I'd pretty much agree with everything you said. For people that expect loads of free alcohol, because you spent money to go to a wedding or buy a gift that's the wrong attitude. You were invidted and you chose to attend. No one forced you. Yes, I appreciate alcohol at a party and to be honest I would want to have alcohol at my wedding reception if I ever decide to have one. However, I wouldn't automatically expect it and be offended if it's not available at someone elses reception. As for the gift giving, I wouldn't have any type of party, even a wedding, and EXPECT people to bring me gifts. If I invite people it's because I want to share a pleasant time with the guests to celebrate. It's deeply appreciated if they bring gifts but saying that it's basically mandatory for people to bring 200 or 300 gifts for people who you may never see again, on top of any other money you spent is crazy. If you have the money and your feel like spending it because the people are special to you great. However if the person can't afford that kind of gift I wouldn't expect them to go into debt just to be socially acceptable. I would invite you for you not for your gift. Then again that's why I'd have a small celebration and leave out all the people who aren't truely important in my life...
Let me guess. You choose not to bring a gift.
The gift is a most. Much like if you can't afford the party don't have one, if you can't afford a gift don't go. $100 cash is a typical wedding gift – sometimes more depending on the venue. The registry is for shower gifts.
Well said!
Count me in the cheapskate crowd. I don't have a lot of money and you'll get $20 from me whether there's an open bar or not. I've been to receptions that were just cake and punch. I went to one wedding that was pot luck! In my opinion, if the bride and groom are not your friends, skip the affair and keep your gift. If they are your friends, accept what hospitality they are able to provide graciously. Alcoholic hogs are not your friends anyway. BTW, I don't even drink.
$20....YOU SHOULD BE PUNCHED IN YOUR FACE AND SHOWN THE DOOR
I'd write you a nice thank you card telling you how much I enjoyed your gift and how me and the mrs went to see Inception AND had a large popcorn, but came up short on the sour patch kids
$20..seriously...are you an adult or a 12 yr old paper boy....have some respect for the bride and groom or politly decline the invite if your financial situation limits you to $20 gifts
Please keep your 20$ gift and stay home.
If all you can afford it $20 – go to the ceremony, and skip the reception. You know MONTHS (sometimes years) in advance about a wedding – start saving!!!!!
if you cannot afford a gift, then you are not being cheap. a cheapskate is someone that can afford a nice gift but chooses not to give that gift because they have pathological issues with money. if you are poor, then the bride and groom should not expect anything from you except your presence. but, please a 20 dollar gift? just place a 20 dollar bill in an envelope. at least let the bride/groom spend your money the way they would like to.
WOW, I have never heard of a "cash bar" in a wedding. I understand that economy is pretty bad but charging your guests for their drinks at YOUR party seems stoopid IMO. Maybe is my culture or something but I would never, ever invite people for a meal at my house and charge for the coffee/cake/beef/soup/drinks.
Actually, it's not even about the alcohol people, it's about not charging your guest for anything at a party you are INVITING them to attend. If you can't afford to get married then do a simple ceremony and invite only those you can actually afford to invite.
I am a wedding photographer and have shot over 100 weddings. There have been both dry and alcoholic receptions. I have only had a problem once with a drunk and that was quickly taken care of. People seem to drink and behave themselves. It really doesn't seem to matter which way the bride and groom set up the bar. People always seem to have a good time. That's what wedding receptions are all about.
Why ANYONE would go in to debt for a party that lasts a few hours is so far beyond me.
And to "PeaceandLove" ; I'm not sure what sort of weddings you're accustomed to, but food and drinks generally come AFTER the "entire lame boring ceremony".
cocktail hour and drinks usually comes first, then ceremoney and then main ballroom
I have never been to a wedding where drinks were served before the ceremony. I am sure it is done and not rare, but I highly doubt it is very common.
Depends on the nature of the ceremony. Any church wedding I've been to, the religious ceremony comes first, so no drinks there, particularly as most of the ones I've been to are Catholic and have communion. Then there's a lag to allow for travel time to the hall. Then the cocktail hour, followed by dinner, etc. I attended on Jewish religious ceremony and the catering hall was in the same building as the synagogue. So we didn't have the lag between, but it was the same order. The two interfaith ceremonies were held in a campus chapel and country club. For the chapel, it was the same drill, ceremony, trip to hall. There wasn't a cocktail hour, but there was a nice buffet and beer & wine. For the country club, it was cocktail hour, ceremony, then dinner, etc.
At the non-religious ones I've been to at catering halls, country clubs, historic buildings, the beach and an inn at the mountains, it was ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, etc.
Whoever said the wedding is for the bride and groom have obviously never been married. As someone who cares more for my marriage than my actual wedding the reception was totally for the guests. If I wanted cheap I would have gone to the courthouse. If you can't afford an open bar than compromise and at least provide something to your guests for free. And if you had good friends and family, they would make sure that no one would cause an unpleasant scene at your wedding.
Regarding bad drunks at a wedding, it frankly baffles me. I would be immensely curious to see a survey that compares the rate of alcohol-related incidents at weddings with the ages of the bride & groom, because my suspicion is, the younger the couple, the more irresponsible on average the guests will be with booze.
Guests expecting or demanding alcohol at weddings is really indicative of just how egregious the whole wedding industry is. I mean, it's gotten so out of hand that being asked to be a bridesmaid is essentially a financial death sentence (or social death sentence, if you try to decline for practical concerns). My wife (before we were married) had one year where 3 friends asked her to stand by her at the altar, and it was crippling. The nigh-$1K dress (never worn again), the shower and corresponding gift, the bachelorette party and corresponding expenditures, the hotel at the wedding destination, the wedding gift... add in the handful of inevitable related expenses along the way, and each affair set her back about $4K – $5K. It's disgusting. So yeah, when the wedding day arrives, all those who went to such lengths to make this day special for the bride are looking for a little acknowledgment and appreciation. Does it have to be with an open bar? No, but that's the expectation. If this doesn't jive with the couple's wishes, then fine, but something commensurate with the effort put in by all needs to be offered, or it's just shamefully selfish to have asked them to go to such lengths.
And related to this is how it's becoming a self-perpetuating cycle. Every woman that's toiled through the weddings of their friends and family in this way always seems to have a little "now-it's-my-turn" payback in the back of their minds when it's their turn to walk the aisle.
Dear Gabi,
I am a fraternity MAN. As is my father, and my best man and two of the other gentlemen in my party. There were probably another 35 fraternity MEN at my wedding. Non of whom got trashed. We can be extremely respectable when the occasion warrants it. I find it very offensive that you lump all drunks into the category of "frat" boys.
_kai_
Arthur, 1464 of the Beta Eta chapter of Beta Theta Pi.
Fraternities are for retards and homos.
Then there must be a lot of retards and homos running our country and large corporations. Since you know a lot about fraternities, which one were you in or did you even attend college? Probably not because that's for smart retards and homos. Right?
Well yes. The current economic meltdown shows what the leaders of corporation and government are made of.
Frats are for people lacking the backbone to make a name for themselves (without handholding during college and name dropping their frat when they graduate).
And yes, I graduated from a major university at the top of my class and I have a job while the frat boys I knew are on welfare. I notice how you have to emphasize the "frat MEN." It requires emphasis for a reason.
My fiance and I are 8 weeks from our wedding and paying for it ourselves. We want everyone to enjoy it and have purchased a few cases of wine followed by a champagne toast. When that wine's gone and a guest feels like they want more, that's what the cash bar is for later in the evening. As a cost conscious bride, I hope people can see that we are making an effort to have a classy party but are not going to break the bank on it.
Katie, please lose my invitation in the mail. How retarded.
Look, I understand heated disagreements and I understand if you may not want to attend a wedding with limited free alcohol, but calling somebody a retard makes you look way worse than them. I am sure your reply to this will be only to call me a retard as well, but go ahead and prove my point. I understand that your limited verbal skills can't produce a more erudite argument. A person who doesn't agree with you is not "stupid" or "retarded", how self absorbed are you? I personally think if budget and planning allow, open bar is the best way to go. I'll agree to an extent that if you have to eliminate the some of the ungodly number of crystal decorations or spend only 3,000 on a dress instead of 5,000 or whatever to support the open bar, you should. But it sounds like Katie understands that people do prefer open bars and she's trying to accommodate that to the best of her ability without sinking herself and her husband into debt. Seriously girl, don't listen to him and enjoy your wedding. If you do have friends like this guy, pray that their invites DO get lost in the mail.
I have NEVER been to a cash bar wedding in my life, being from Chicago it is just not our thing. I have been to weddings of recovering alcoholics, they had an open bar. Weddings with limited budgets – open bar. Weddings in back yards – open bar. I agree a wedding is a celebration of the couple but I think the important word in that statement is "celebration". The marriage is ALL about the couple - the wedding is about celebrating. So skip the silly wedding favors, doves and other ridiculousness and concentrate on the three main things that all weddings should have: good food, free booze and a rockin DJ.
The other thing is people view 'celebrations' differently. There are actually some places where drinking and/or dancing is not allowed. I looked into having my wedding at a Historic venue and those were the rules. Go figure! Every party doesn't include drinking. Not everyone views drinks as part of a good time!
Yeah like Muslim weddings were they also wear burkhas and marry their 13 year old cousins. This is america and their should be open bars good food and a rockin house band.
I agree. I had no booze at my wedding of any sort, and my guests had a great time. Alcohol is not required for fun.
Or so they told you...
I have to admit, I am so over attending weddings and receptions. Well, the weddings are nice. But the receptions? Excruciating. The bride and groom take off to barhop and you have to wait an hour or longer until they show up. Then you have to wait for everyone to calm down and get served their dinner, which takes another hour or so. Then you have to sit through the toasts and freaking slideshows. Now instead of a normal first dance, people are doing frigging choreographed dance routines and we're supposed to be impressed by that too!
I realize I sound like a huge Scrooge McPartyPooper, and I don't want to be because everyone should have the wedding they want. But keep in mind that your guests want to see you get married, and then eat. They don't want to sit through a dinner-theater production of The Me Show with a run-time that equals Lawrence of Arabia. People just aren't that fascinated.
And that goes double if there isn't free alcohol. You're welcome to skip the booze, of course- everyone is for whatever reason they feel it necessary. But if that's the way you want to go, then make it a day wedding and reception and schedule the festivities so they let people off the hook after a couple hours or so. You can always take the party to a nearby bar afterwards if you're having too much fun to quit.
meatman and amanda have me cracking up!
meatman you rule! I agree with everything you say. Seriously, don't invite me to some dry trailer trash wedding and not expect a trailer trash gift.
A WEDDING IS JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PARTY – AN EXCUSE TO DRINK AND GET DRUNK – OKAY!!! WE BOUGHT YOU YOUR $100 WEDDING REGISTRY GIFT SO NOW JUST LET THE DRINKS BE ON YOU – OKAY! SO I CAN ENJOY THE DREADFUL CEREMONY AS I WATCH THE SAME OVER "SWORN INTO MATRIMONY" DEALO THAT WILL PROBABLY NOT EVEN LAST! JUST LET ME HAVE A FEW DRINKS SO I CAN SIT THROUGH THE ENTIRE LAME BORING CEREMONY.
AMEN!
Right on brother.....you said it.
True that!
Anyone that *has* to have alcohol or they can't relax and have a good time, wedding or not, needs to take a hard look at their lives. I am not a tee totaler, but I don't drink what little I do because I *have* to do so.
My question is what are all these references to $150-200 presents? I am down with dry weddings, but someone registering for a $150 blender is ridiculous. Outside of mom and dad, I think it's kind of rude to register for gifts over $50. Do you really need the $200 bed linens instead of sheets from Bed,Bath and Beyond? If you wouldn't pay for it yourself, you shouldn't ask others to.
You think it's ok for me to pay over $100 for your dinner and you're going to give me less than $50. realllll classy
Hell yes it is OK for you to shell out for the dinner and your guest to bring a gift that is worth half that. YOU are hosting the party, therefore, you supply the food. Everyone is bashing "Amanda" on this message board, why isn't anyone getting her point – she doesn't care if it is a dry wedding or not, but don't be tacky about it. Dry wedding? Have it in the morning or afternoon so people don't expect drinks. Having a Saturday night bash? Have a bar, and, pay for it. If you were a vegetarian would you not serve meat at your wedding? Or, better yet, if some guests were vegetarian, would you not serve meat because you don't want to offend them? I think not. They can mark their little RSVP card with vegetarian, and can mark mine with steak, and all is well.
I know no one is going to agree with me, but when can we write off wedding gifts as a thing of the past? I like what one person said, if a couple makes it 10 years, they will get a damn nice gift. Let's just write off wedding gifts, and focus on anniversary gifts. It sure would save people a lot of damn money in the long run.
Jane Im gonna break this down for you. I live in North NJ. Things are pretty pricey here. The average cost per person when your hosting a wedding is 150$ on up. Now I understand the economy sucks and all that. But you should at least cover your plate when attending a function of this caliber. So If we invited you and a guest, we would hope that you cover your plate and give at least a 300$ gift. If not, when its your turn to get married, you will get back what you gave to me and my ife. Im not trying to come off brash or rude, but thats just being polite
You use a lot of hair gel, don't you?
I was just married last month. Of course everyone has a different idea of what their wedding should be like, but for us the reception was a party we were throwing for our guests. Sure, it was to celebrate our wedding and honor us, but in our minds the party is all about the guests. Alcohol played a huge part due to the fact it was a Russian/Irish wedding. We had bottles of vodka and tequila on the tables as well as an open bar all night. Clearly this doesn't work for everyone in terms of cost and appropriateness, but you have to know who you are inviting. We specifically left people off the invite list who we knew would be a problem drunk. Food and drink easily were about 40% of our wedding cost. Weddings are so expensive you have to decide where you want to spend your money. We chose a quick ceremony followed by an all out bash.
Why do we need to celebrate everything with alcohol! Just go, be happy for the couple, eat, dance, drink whatever is available, leave. THEN you can take your alchy selves to the package store afterwards. Geez.
trashy hicks, think there entitled to a present...if u have a wedding to make money ur an idiot..your never going to break even...unless u dont serve ur guests liqour
It's amazing how few men sounded off on here, so here goes my 2 cents. Cash bars are just plain insulting. Guests coming to a wedding with an expectation of a free-for-all open bar is a little too much, but decent beer and wine should be available. If bought at a store, $1,000-1,500 worth of beer and wine will easily cover 100 guests even if all of them happen to be hard drinkers.
As far as dealing with known troublemakers, it's not an easy one, but having someone big and burly double up as a bartended would go a long way towards preventing someone from getting royally plastered out. Besides, the one good thing about beer and wine is that they are a lot less likely to make someone go from zero to trashed in an hour than serving vodka or patron shots at a bar would.
Andre, you must not be familiar with the *special markup* that is everywhere in the wedding industry. That $1,000 of alcohol you can buy at retail at the liquor store is easily 4x that at a *wedding.* The industry is out of control. Not to mention the 22% service charge on the food+drink and state tax on top of that new total.
Good luck, hope you find a DIY venue for your wedding!
Maybe it's some kind of regional thing, but I've never been to a reception where there was any booze except maybe champagne for the bride and groom. A reception is about celebrating the newlywed's marriage, not about a drunken frat party. But then around here we don't feel compelled to make a wedding into an exercise in bankrupting the bride's family.
WHAT REGION DO YOU LIVE IN HELL.....NO ALCOHOL AT A WEDDING THAT IS BOGUS. YOU AND YOUR PEOPLE ARE TRASH
How many weddings have you been to in your fourteen years of existence? Reading your troll comments all over this page reminds me of why I rarely waste my time commenting online anymore. Go meat yourself.
By 'region' do you mean some sort of religious, teetotaling social circle? Because there is no "region" in the US that is known for completely dry, boring weddings, unless it is for religious reasons. I have never been to a 'dry' wedding out of at least 20 I have attended in the last 10 years. All but 2 of them were full open bar. In the northeast, and now down in Miami, my 'social peers' would consider it very tacky to have anything but open bar.
In my area, "open bar" prices include all you can drink soda and juices. If you don't have an "open bar", the venue charges an arm and leg for soda and juice... So in the long run it's much less expensive to do an "open bar". PLUS when there is no "open bar", there are no bar tenders, so the juice and soda are self serve – out of 2L bottles... Tacky!
I know it's just a marketing ploy by the party houses to price things this way, but I've never been to a wedding with out an open bar just for the reason stated above.
I am a DJ. I tell all of the bride and grooms that the reception is the present you give to your guests for showing up and supporting your unity. Basically having a boring reception is like giving someone a battery operated toy for christmas but no body makes batteries anymore. what the hell is the point.
A wedding reception is a party! Would anyone expect their guests to pay for drinks at your house? Weddings are hard on the guests, particularly if you have out-of-towners, etc. Often the meal is hours after the wedding, so not only a full open bar, but hors' dourves should be offered to your guests to hold them over. You want your guests to remember yours as the best wedding they have ever been to!
My wedding was "dry," save the champagne offered for the toast. And the kegs brought by the Marines, heh.
While I don't think people were too annoyed by the lack of alcohol, it was for good reason. A good number in my family refused to come if there was alcohol. I know, thats very mean and manipulative, I get that much, but the concept of causing a brawl between my family members over alcohol wasn't something I was prepared to do. My point is that sometimes the guests are the reason for the lack of alcohol, be then the crazy religious sort or the alcoholic problem causer sort.
On the other hand, I would NEVER have even considered charging my guests for drinks if we'd had them. How crude... I feel bad enough that the guys had to bring their own keg, which they kept in the parking lot.
Wow... The one time I make a comment online and it ends up in an article...crazy.
For the record I've attended dry weddings-all were terrific! My point was that it's rude to charge your guest money. If the reason for not serving alcohol is budget, the money should be cut elsewhere.
Religion and/or moral issues with alcohol make this issue moot.
I had the misfortune of having to attend a Dry wedding a few weeks ago. I left an upper decker in the toilet as my wedding gift.
Good Times
Your parents sure riased you to be a gentleman.
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Good one.
WOW!! I can't believe the self-centered folks on here. Since when did what you were provided at the wedding reception need to equate to the present you bring. The gift is a token for their new life together and the price of the gift should equate to #1 – your own personal budget and #2 – your level of friendship/closeness with the new couple. Never in my life have I heard of people on giving gifts based on what they get unless it is an office Christmas exchange! I, myself, had a dry wedding – due to alcoholic family members (actually had a death in the family due to alcohol poisoning) – so if anyone has a complaint about that I would've said F%$k off! Already the bride and groom are paying for the reception hall, decoration, and overpriced food – isn't that enough. I do admit that weddings with alcohol are more fun, but if you simply MUST drink then plan an afterparty in your hotel room for guests who simply can not go without. It is your choice to travel to these weddings and if you are only going for the free booze, just stay at home.
As for the attendees that are complaining – you are ASKED not REQUIRED to be in the wedding – and from my recollection the bridal gift that you receive is in appreciation of your time/money spent and should not depend on how drunk you get to get.
This whole thing just amazes me.
I was four years sober when I went to a wedding and wound up getting lucky with the mom of the groom. Don't knock it if it works!
When my husband and I got married, we opted for no alcohol. There were various reasons for this. First, the wife of one guest was struggling to overcome her alcoholism and was still in the "take it one day at a time" phase just after admitting she had a problem and was trying to get her feet under her. Second, we got married in the middle of what was one of the worst winters we've had, and with many out of town guests, we didn't want people driving on horrible roads after having been drinking. And third, if we had to choose between not inviting friends we wanted there just so a few others could get drunk, sorry, I'd sooner cut the ones who were only there for the alcohol and only invite the ones who were there because they were friends and honestly wanted to share our special day with us.
I'm so sick of everyone using "we know an alcoholic" as an excuse. Part of being an adult and dealing with your alcoholism is being able to be around people who are choosing to drink. Frankly, if I were the one with the problem, I would feel horrible that there was no alcohol due to my attendance. As for drunk driving / bad weather, last year I attended a wedding that provided a shuttle from the reception site back and forth to the hotel at which most guests were staying. It was a great way to make sure everyone could relax and have a great time without having to worry about getting home safely.
You know what, I agree. That's why I didn't have a dry wedding- it just had free beer and wine and a toast, no big deal. I would have felt super awkward otherwise; it's just a norm to have alcohol at a celebration. I didn't want to make a big point out of it. Alcohol is fine for a lot of people, I'm just not one of them, but that's not anyone else's fault ;)
It's the Sex and the City women!
...so mine was dry. We should have eloped. Our poor guests.
My husband and I got married in October. We had been to too many family weddings where guests got so snookered that fights errupted and drama ensued that we decided for our own sanity to limit the alcohol intake. My husband and I are not big drinkers, nor are most of our friends, but some of our family members have issues with alcohol, and tend to take it to extremes. By paying for a sit down catered meal with free tea, cokes, coffee, and a cash bar we minimized the drama that these folks cause. I am offended by those who think the party can be only had if there is freely flowing alcohol, and that we were "cheap" by not having an open bar. We decided on a cash bar because of the previous reasons first and the cost 2ndly. For those who have not priced out a wedding lately – if we had had an open bar, our location would have charged $21.00 per person for just alcohol – it didn't matter if they drank or not. In the end we spent over $150 per person as it was and had a great time. The alcohol was there for those who could not "survive" without it, but most of us stayed sober and had a great party.
I can not believe people actually think they should get free drinks at a wedding! I can see a free hgour of them before the meal is served but that is all. If you have to have free drinks to attend a wedding, then you are not a true friend to the Wedding couple.
Dang. There are a lot of angry people w/entitlement attitudes. The point of a wedding is to celebrate the bridge and groom, not to just muddle through the wedding so you can overindulge on someone else's dime. Now THAT is tacky. Grow up and go to honor the happy couple. If your felicitations come with conditions, then you aren't a true friend and shouldn't have been invited in the first place. Your absence will probably go unnoticed anyway, unless it's to say, "thank God that drunken moron isn't here." We provided beer and wine for the selfish individuals who won't come to a dry wedding. If you can't attend a special event w/o demanding to be able to get liquored up at no financial cost to you, then maybe you should more look for a meeting than look for a reception.
No financial cost to me. Ever heard of wedding envelopes stuffed with cash and hotel stays and flight cost. Who are you kidding, you were just to cheap and trashy to have an open bar. Sound like your relatives that get wasted are also trash. The apple does not fall far from the tree. you are a poor loser.
And you don't have a life... It's always the people who aren't happy who get super passionate (to the point of name calling) about people they don't know! Really! There are so many 'real' issues people face in life... Meatman you are taking this REALLY seriously! Can I offer you a drink? No really! On me!
I am sorry but if you want me to come to your wedding and stick around for a reception you better have free booze ( beer and wine is just fine). I know it their day and everything but it is a party and so you better come prepared, because really besides from your parents and close family no one else really cares how nice your dress is an how special a day it is for you, they are there to have a good time, meet people and socialize not pay for drinks at a party devoted to you and your 50/50 chance of a future divorce. so I say if you don't want to spemd money on that then don't have a big wedding cause that is what is expected, go to vegas or the court house cheap ass.
Honestly your opinion doesn't matter if you're a guest attending the celebration. Grow up, roll with the punches, and quit trying to impress your fractured sense of morality (whether you demand dry or full service) on anyone else but yourself. Reality has adversity all over the place – if paying for a drink gets at a party offends you then consider how ridiculously easy your life has been and give thanks. Then go enlist.
I don't get some of the attitudes I see here. A wedding reception is really just a party celebrating a new marriage. It should be like any other party. If you're the host, you pay for the food and booze. If you don't want to serve booze, that's your prerogative. It's just like choosing to serve steak instead of prime rib. And polite guests just say thanks and try to enjoy the party. I do think wine and beer make the reception more fun, but I totally understand that there are many reasons why a couple might want a dry wedding. It's just that if you serve wine/beer/hard liquor, you should pay for it. Anything else seems ungracious.
@WOW under 40? like $40.00 or $40,000. If you can't keep a wedding under $40,000 your doing something horribly wrong.
@ CRS – Under 40 peOplE!
My question is this...
An open bar at most weddings will cost the bride and groom upwards of 5000 dollars. ISo, for the sake of "not being tacky" the bride and groom put this bill on a credit card since, in reality they can not afford it. Now they have more debt and more bills to pay off. Is this something you would want for a young couple that you care about? Not me. The idea is that we give them cash and gifts to get them started off right, or put as a downpayment for a house. Not to recoup their losses.
"open bar" is included in the price per person. You don't actually pay the tab. people cut down on the price of the reception by not serving alcohol. a better way is to just serve wine and beer.
Not necessarily. When we got married we looked at a couple places that charged a per drink price for the open bar and you paid the tab at the end of the night. Since we weren't rich, these palces were immediately crossed off our list.
Wow, I couldn't imagine not providing booze to my wedding guests. When my wife and I were married, we were on a tight budget, and made some choices about what to include in the wedding/reception. For example, instead of a band we went with a DJ, she didn't over-spend on her dress, we kept the guest-list reasonable. But we sure as hell provided an open bar to the people (many of whom traveled great distances at their own expense) who came to help us celebrate our day. If you can't pay for drinks, cut down your guest-list or cut a corner somewhere else.
Reading the majority of these posts has further convinced me to stick to my original plan of having a very small wedding/reception. I can understand the 'reasoning' on both sides but, it seems, many people view weddings as a social tit for tat of sorts.
Some people are boring! LOL! And I'd assume that a boring wedding with a bad DJ would be such with or without alchohol. I understand for some drinking 'loosen's them up' but what is bothersome to me is how much we as an American people feel entitled.
Personally, if someone wouldn't come to my wedding because it were dry, I wouldn't want them there anyway. If there is someone measuring the nature of gift they give by how much 'free' stuff I give them I wouldn't want them there anyway.
Young couples need to be surrounded by people who TRULY love them and support them. It may be the only chance of a lot of marriages working out. I happen to LIKE open bars but feel that it's a choice the couple has to make based on what feels right to them and what circumstances surround their personal situation.
It's like you can't win for loosing. No matter what you chose there would be SOMONE who had something to say! I've seen wedding planners do it! What is tacky to someone is tasteful to someone else. What is a good compromise to one is offensive to another! What is culturally correct to one is passe to another.
My thoughts? If you love me come to my wedding! If you get an invite from me and your thoughts roam to what I will have (food/drinks/party) as opposed to being concerned with my decision to marry (wanting it to work out) and coming for support, PLEASE STAY HOME!!! I don't want spectators at my wedding! i just don't!
Now if I could just get my fiance to agree we can keep it under 40 just like I hoped for!
IF I WAS YOUR FIANCE I WOULD KILL MYSELF AFTER THAT SAPPY SPEACH OF YOURS. YOU NEED TO NEVER POST ANYTHING AGAIN. YOU ARE THE MOST LONG WINDED BORING PERSON IN AMERICA AND YOU SHOULD BE DROWNED IN URINE.
Agreed. The people we invited were family and people who we cared about and who cared about us. They knew my preference to not be around people drinking and respected that and respected US. We weren't out for expensive gifts. We had about 125 or so people, and it was just the right size for us. We were new college graduates, trying to be fiscally and socially responsible.
The people here who wouldn't go to a dry wedding are not respecting the choices of a bride and groom. You are celebrating the start to their life together. Celebrate your friendship with them. Celebrate their choice to be with each other. Don't celebrate the chance to kill your liver.
We paid for our wedding, including the open bar. I'm of the oppinion that when you host a party, you consider your guests. Yes, there was drunken debauchery...and people still talk about how much fun was had at our wedding. Also, knowing our guests were likely to over indulge (it was a celebration), we arranged for a party bus – to avoid drunk drivers. These people are your GUESTS, they deserve your consideration, even if the day is "all about you."
If everyone is into getting drunk of their rocker that's great. But believe it or not, there are people who find it disguesting and offensive. They deserve consideration as well.
@Tish great idea with just wine and beer. That is what we will do, but i will have a side "shot" bar setup also with basic shot mixing essentials. Because my friends love to do shots.
As a chef at a catering company, I go to more weddings in a year than most people do in a lifetime.
The worst wedding I ever attended (this one was as a guest, not an employee) was a dry, no-dancing wedding because of a strictly religious parent of the bride. After dinner, everyone just sat there, looking at one another. It was hardly a celebration of anything.
I am not a big drinker myself-never more than two drinks in a day-and as a caterer, I hate drunks at a wedding, but I have to agree with the comment that guests are guests, and you should treat them as guests. Don't make them pay for drinks-it's insulting, like asking them to rent the grooms tux or to pay for the honeymoon. I mean, if you have a Christmas party at your house, do you have a cash bar there too?
At my wedding, we had two punches, one with alcohol, and one without, and everyone seem to have a good time. Beer and wine weddings are just fine too, and can be less expensive than a full-bar. Another option is a morning wedding-brunch costs less than dinner, usually means limited alcoholic beverages (many people don't drink until later in the day), and as a bonus, people look better in the mornings, so the pictures look better!
If you can't afford alcohol, have a dry wedding, or invite fewer people, just don't make people pay to attend your party-they have spent enough with clothes, travel, gifts, and other expenses to not treat them as guests.
in my opinion, Cash bars are very tacky. We had an full open bar at our wedding last year and we kept our guest list to 120 people. Our flower arrangements simple, had a friend play pre-recorded music at the ceremony, and I did alot of DIY projects for the wedding (favours, seating arrangement, centerpieces) that saved us alot of money so that we could take care of our guests with an open bar. I think it's in poor taste to spend obscene amounts of money on decorative items (i.e. ice sculpures, etc.) and then make your guests pay for their drinks.
@Susan we are having a wedding celebration not for my future wife or me. It's for our families. So they can all come together and celebrate this day. If we didn't they would kill us both.
oh, and if your going to provide champagne get the cheap stuff!! it tastes WAY better.
Jesus wears a tuxedo t-shirt at my wedding and he drinks beer. true story.
That is radical........
Wedding celebrations are a waste of money. Little girls dream of themselves walking down the aisle in a beautiful white gown; iit sends the completely wrong message about marriage to young people. If people want to get married they should simply go to city hall and get married. BUT if you have the money to throw around....make sure it is a great time for everyone.
At our wedding, we provided wine and beer, spiked and nonspiked punch, and soda, with a champagne toast. My Dad would have sprung for the full open bar, but we stuck with wine and beer for 2 reasons:
1) we didn't think the difference in the expense between wine and beer vs full bar was reasonable or worth my dad's hard-earned money.
2) I've been to weddings with a full open bar where all the guests spent the whole wedding in the massively long bar line. We wanted people mingling and dancing and having fun, not standing in line.
Sticking to wine and beer meant shorter lines, since bartenders didn't have to take time to mix drinks to order... and the waitstaff could more easily and quickly refill at the tables, so our guests didn't need to get in line at all.
The overriding goal we planned the wedding around was throwing a great, really fun party - a 15 minute exchange of vows, followed by a massive party with our closest friends and family. We've thrown some fun parties in our time, and this one had to be the most fun, and most memorable... (which also means nooone getting so drunk they don't remember it!)
It must have worked, because 10 years later (our anniversary is a month from yesterday), our friends and family *still * talk about how it was one of the most fun weddings they've ever been to.... friends and cousins, as they plan their own weddings, still ask us for advice on how to have a wedding as fun as ours... not boring like "so and so" or "such and such"'s.... We tell them the same thing: Think about your guests! Don't get so lost in "it's your day" that you forget you are host and hostess, and need to act like a good host and hostess, and always put your guests first, ahead of yourself. Don't leave guests hanging and waiting around while you do photos. Don't have a champagne toast if you don't offer it to everyone. Don't make your guests feel in any way uncomfortable by going too high end or too low end. You want them to have fun and enjoy.
Do provide decent food, decent wine and beer in line with what your guests like - these help make people happy and relaxed, and lighten the mood. Do spend the time and money to find a good band or DJ that will get the party started, and get your guests on their feet and involved from the get go. Don't overplan. Let the party happen. and be sure to enjoy it yourself!
If you think alchol at weddings is a biblical requirement you should probably go read your Bible again.
In Bible time alcohol was no where near as strong as it is today. Plus the turning the water into wine miracle was Jesus' fist miracle. He didnt do it so people could get drunk. THe Bible clearly states "Be not drunk with wine". To get drunk in Bible times meant you would have to drink a unheard of amount of alcohol.
I highly suggest you read your Bible and so some studying before you claim the Jesus "wanted" you to get drunk at weddings.
arumsey, quit reading the bible for a while and read some history, like a book entitled 'A history of the wold in six glasses' by Tom Standage. People drank alcoholic beverages (wine or beer, generally called small beer) because the alcohol made the water safer to drink. Even very small children drank alcoholic beverages, because if you didn't, you died of cholera or similar diseases. The only other option was to boil the water first, which takes a lot of energy (heat), and as we know, energy is expensive. Yes, it was lower in alcohol than today's distilled spirits, but many people were slightly tipsy most of the day.
wow you are ignorant of history. Not everything the bible says can be taken completely literally. Actual evidence and study of history will tell you that the wine and beer they had back then was actually just as strong if not stronger than what we have today
I got married last month, and I suggest you do the free beer and wine. If you are pissed that you had to pay for a cocktail or a shot then that's your problem. Plus, doing the electric slide with a rum and coke instead of a beer is just Un-American.
"if guests are going to the time and expense of attending nuptials, the least the happy couple can do is make sure they don't have to peck their way through the Chicken Dance stone cold sober."
This is why I didn't invite anybody to my wedding...I'd rather hear them cry and moan about being "snubbed" than put up with ridiculous, unreasonable demands in exchange for the "honor" of having them attend my nuptials.
*us
I get married next year. My fiance, our parents and I decided the most important aspects of our wedding is family, food, beer and fun. It's a day of celebration. We are being as cost effective as possible but the things we will spend a little extra on is making sure everyone gets a good meal and plenty to drink. We want to make sure everyone else has as good time as we.
Maybe once guests realize that today a wedding meal and an open bar is at least $80-$100 per person and that giving $100 for a couple or a couple with grown childern is not acceptable then you can say an open bar is a must. Maybe in 1970 $100 was a good gift but not today! Couples who can't afford to treat 200 people to dinner in drinks with virtually nothing in return should not do it and guests should not slight them for it especially if they don't give large enough gifts.
i think the voting shouldve including what state your from. I really think its only these hick states with low class people that have these cash bars. i dont think cash bars are done in big cities, classy people know its tacky
2nd marriage for both of us, so it was not supposed to be a big blowout but we did want to offer family and friends the opportunity to party with us. told them up front it was a casual beach wedding with a casual cookout after. we provided burgers, dogs and the fixings, champagne punch and beer and let folks bring their own alcohol. since it was mostly family and they knew we only stayed in the USA for them (original plan was just me & him on a caribbean island), nobody was offended to pitch in. the day was all about family and friends and just happened to be the same day we got married. one sister brought the stuff for chocolate margarhitas while another brought her favorite brand of wine. nobody went broke and everyone had enough alcohol of the kind they liked. it was perfect. laid back and enjoyable.
thank goodness i live in the northeast and never encountered a cash bar. tacky!!!! dont throw a party if you cant afford it, bottom line!! drinking at wedding is an ancient tradition, dont give me the bs how dry wedding are fun. No they arent
Word.
right on. anyone who is not the bride, groom or their parents who tells you that they wanted to be at a wedding is a liar. Weddings are boring, thats the whole reason we throw a party afterward. If you dont drink then thats fine, dont drink, but give those who do want to drink that option.
A wedding is an event hosted by the bride and groom to publicly celebrate their union. As hosts it is incumbent upon the bride and groom to provide for their guests' comfort. I would never charge a guest in my home for a drink! I have, however, imposed a cover charge on certain family members from time to time.
my husband and i did a dry wedding a year and a half ago....we had a 10:00 ceremony and a 12:00 luncheon and people were allowed to go home and enjoy their day by 2:00 in the afternoon....i served for years in a country club for weddings and would never serve alcohol after what i witnessed happened to most of those weddings...they went from being classy and elegant affairs to bridesmaids rolling around on the dance floor and grooms and brides screaming at each other...but if you are going to do dry then do those coming a favor and have a morning wedding so that people don't expect an open bar...
It sounds well planned, and I bet it was wonderful.
good point. If you are going to have a dry wedding doing it in the morning/early afternoon is a great idea so that drinks arent expected
I'm coming at this from a different angle from most . . neither my wife nor I drink, and only a handful of friends and family do. That said, regardless of your choices regarding alcohol, if the absence of booze at my wedding and/or reception is of supreme importance to you, then please, PLEASE don't bother. I can't imagine needing you as a friend, and we'll survive without your gift. Honestly, we're just not going to have enough in common to make it worth your time or my money. I understand that you may have been raised to believe that if you can actually remember your weekend, it must not have been much fun. Bully for you, but we're living in different worlds. I'm sure I'm a stiff, boring douche to you, and I guaran-damn-tee you're a confused, loutish child to me. Let's just not and say we did.
i like you put it. i totally agree.
great post.
Are some of you forgetting that you dont have to come or that the couple is providing a meal, dessert, music and overall a party? Yeah having alcohol is nice added bonus but if you are mad that you have to pay $3 for a drink then you have major issues. I dont mind providing alcohol for my upcoming wedding but if you think its your right to get free liquor(after a free diner and dessert) because you decided to show up then you are just a sad person.
I think how you handle drinks is your business. Just be open about it – add the info in the invitation.
And please don't tout the wedding food as a perk. I almost always get fast food on the way to a wedding, because a hot, slimy burger, is almost always better that the cold, slimy London Broil I get at a wedding. Blehhh!
The point is NOT the alcohol. the point is that you dont invite someone to a party and then make them pay for something when they have already spent time and money to be there and buy you a gift. Its like inviting all of your friends to a BBQ on the weekend and then charging them for beer and food when you get there. Also if cost is a problem for you there are solutions. I recently went to a cousins wedding and they didnt have a huge budget so they provided free beer and wine and had a pay bar for cocktails, everyone had a good time and they didnt break the bank on the party
Gogol Bordello – "American Wedding"
I went to a dry wedding held at a really nice hotel. About half way through the reception, the hall was about half full because a good portion of the guests were in the hotel bar having a drink.
My wife and I had a dry wedding. We did in a garden, outdoors late Sunday morning with the reception on site, and made it clear that gifts were optional, we didn't expect one. We were eating around noon, and most people were driving back home that afternoon. In addition, it would have cost more to rent the on-site liquor license than we spent on the site itself and the bride's dress. That's just the license, liquor not included. I too have a lot of family members that have problems knowing when to say when, and no way was I getting them tanked and then putting them on the interstate with their families in the car. That would have been irresponsible. How would all of you high and mighty types feel if you have a 'wet' wedding, and someone gets drunk, then gets on the road and kills or injures someone or themselves? I actually want to see some of you respond to that, so go ahead.
Coincidentally, about half of our 'guests' left right after the ceremony because 'the kid's have school tommorrow'. Yeah right, it was darn near July, no school. Also, all of those who left were within about 3 hours of home. Nice try, but you only came because you thought I was going to get you drunk. Just because I go to a wedding, I don't expect the happy couple to serve anything they can't afford. I'm just happy they wanted me to share in their moment. I will give them a nice gift off their registry within my budget, and don't prorate based on how much they're spending on me at the reception. I would consider it the height of tacky and rude to give a gift based on how many drinks I was getting at the reception.
Those people who left my wedding early were all invited by my parents, not by me or my wife, and their leaving sent a real clear message. My parents actually invited them because they thought we'd get more gifts that way. We didn't care about gifts, just family and didn't want to invite them just to get a gift, but it would have been tacky to rescind the invite. The rest of our guests that actually stayed for the reception (mostly people we had invited) said it was one of the funnest weddings they've ever been to.
the reason everyone left is because your wedding sucked.......no booze and the food was probably crap as well. I too would have left and tried to salvage my day by cleaning the bathroom or doing laundry...anything would have been better then your budget wedding in a garden. As far as a wet wedding and drunk driving....I am not responsible for what others do, next you will blame the alcohol makers or the barley growers or the glass makers that the cocktails were in. People are responsible for the decision they make. Let me guess you are a liberal and part of the Nanny State political movement. LEAVE AMERICA
Where is that story about internet trolls when you need it?
meatman was not there so he really doesn't know anything about you wedding.He sounds like he may be 12 years of age at most. People will not care to be his friend when he is of drinking age because he is sooooooooo selfish and cares about nothing other than trying to inflate his ego by insulting others
I'll be happy to respond. Just because you host something doesn't take all responsibility away from those who attend. Somebody could have just as easily been on their cell phone making flight arrangements, and killed somebody. Or been tired from driving 6 hours in one day aftre being up with their kid th enight before, and slammed into a guard rail. Drinking isn't the only thing that causes car accidents.
As for the mass migration of your parent's invitees, is sounds like you could have communicated better with your parents to set those expectations. My mother in-law tried to do the same thing. We eventually told her that we would pay her portion ourselves, and controlled the guest list. It worked just fine.
Also, just because your idea of fun didn't include libations, why does everybody else have to conform to your standard? They came, gave you a gift, wishes you well, and were off. So they gave you a lame excuse. Would you rather they had told you the truth, which you probably would have taken badly?
From my perspective, the things you disliked about your wedding reception could have been handled with better communication.
Actually I should clarify a couple of points. We informed all of our guests that alcohol would not be served at the reception when the invitations were sent. This wasn't a surprise at the reception. Most people that we invited knew that my wife and I don't drink and they actually thought it was a good idea to have a dry wedding for many of the same reasons that we did.
As for the guests that parents invited, we tried to control the guest list, but over our objections the invitations were sent. It seemed pretty tacky to send a follow up saying, 'Sorry we didn't really invite you, our parents did just so would give us a gift, please disregard.' We didn't care about the gifts, we had the appliances etc. that we needed. All we wanted was to share our happiness with our friends and family. There was no engagement party or anything so there were no prewedding parties where people were expected to bring gifts. As far as travel expenses, the vast majority of our guests spent a little more than two tanks of gas and couple of nights in hotel that we negotiated a sweet deal for.
Also, we couldn't afford to serve people without going into debt. Based on what I've seen on the commentary here, people seem to have no problem expecting the bride and groom to spend well beyond their means just so that everyone can get drunk. Why should we start our marriage paying off a bill for a party no one will remember anyway?
After several months (not kidding) of constant pressure from my parents that an open bar was an absolute necessity, we told them that if they just had to have it they could pay for it. It's funny, once they saw how much it would cost for even a simple champagne toast at our reception site, alcohol wasn't such a priority anymore. It would have cost over $1200 dollars just to get the license to have any alcohol on site. We would have been fined that much if someone even cracked a beer and got caught. That seemed a bit much to start drinking before noon.
As for personal responsibility, my guests were mostly adults and any decisions they make are their own including driving home drunk off their arses. Unfortunately, at family weddings, even teenagers seem to have no problem getting as drunk as they want to. Also, around here a bartender can be held at least partially responsible (civil damages all around and criminal for underage) and that would have put us on the hook for the party. That was made very clear by the site we selected. More than once.
Ah, the real problem with weddings these days...How did you parents send invitations over your objections? We needed 88 invitations so I order 90 and got extra envelopes. I addressed them mostly myself. The help I got was from people who came over and did them with me. Did you parents steal extra invitations from you? I think this is what the other person meant when they said you need better communication with your parents.
I'm not really trying to pick on you or anything. I've seen this kind of thing hapening to a lot of people where the wedding planning becomes endless arguments with family over all kinds of details. Certainly, you need some consideration for your parents and you can't be cruel to them, but at the end of the day, it's your wedding and one would think they loved and respected you enough to avoid this stuff. (I believe this is partly to blame for all the Bridezillas out there. They watch others try to be nice and getting run over by their families. then they over react to avoid the same fate.)
I had a dry wedding, and I just came back from one that had an open bar. I think either way it works fine. Our choice for a dry wedding was not for any moral reason, it was because the space that we used (our c church,) didn't allow drinking in their space.
We weren't able to afford a more expensive venue, and honestly, with the dry wedding, our reception was over at 10:30, just in time for any guests who wanted to to go out and hit the bars, so, I think it's totally personal preference and honestly, if you don't like what the bride chose, you always have the option of not showing up. If you hte weddings so much then I'm sure the bridge and groom would be much happier without you there.
Saffity.....i would me much happier if you put your face in a toilet and flushed.....If I had showed up for you cheap dry wedding at a hole of a room in a church I would have shot myself in the face.........loser
Saffity – in the end, you are correct. It is the couple's choice and any guest has the choice not to attend if they can not accept that choice.
meathead – please follow your plan of action and do the rest of us a favor.
meatman has some real problems you are lucky that he is not among your friends. He sounds like he needs some professional help–who would invite him to a wedding with such a crabby know it all atitude
Seems to me that if you can't get through a social outing without consuming booze, you have a problem. I wouldn't think that those who drink in moderation would care one way or another whether alcohol is available at a wedding, as doing so does not affect one's sobriety significantly. It's those who drink to excess and can only seem to have fun when drinking who would have an issue with dry weddings. Too bad. You've done it to yourself. There's more to life than drinking, and it's not a newly married couple's obligation to fuel your addiction.
I totally disagree. I go to about 3 weddings a year, and have 2-3 glasses of wine while I'm there. I don't get wasted, but I have a fun time. If you are HOSTING a PARTY, then HOST a PARTY. A reception is a PARTY, and parties have alcohol. It's tasteless to expect invited guests to pay for a portion of your party.
Oops, I forgot to say, that to make invited guests pay for their drinks is tacky and crass. Best to either have no liquor at all, or just stick to beer and wine; no high balls. Tip to bride and groom, if you know someone is a boozer, leave them off the invitation list!
So if it was one of your parents, you would leave them off the guest list?
Alcohol is a poison, techically. Its far more healthy to simply be a laid back, easy going person in general than need the drink to get "friendly". No amount of alcohol is good for you, and many people cant resist the temptation of an open bar to drink too much and ruin the evening for everyone else. Cash bar is best, because then the odds are people will drink a bit less and be themselves, and not end up driving drunk. .05 is enough to impair your judgment.
Wow what a wet blanket you are Ryan.....remind me to never invite you anywhere........you make Debbie Down look like a circus clown. By the way an ounce of alcohol a day is good for you, ask you doctor.
Ryan, be honest, you don't get laid very often, do you?
Out of respect for my sober father, we decided on a dry wedding...except for Southern Comfort Punch we provided. We also planned around the lack of alcohol–we ended up having a morning wedding and the reception before noon. Lack of alcohol that early wasn't a problem for anyone. Except for that one cousin who let her toddlers drink the punch .
People who need alcohol to have fun have been brainwashed by our cutlure of alcoholism. Marijuana is linked to racism and anti-establishementism in America that's the only reason it's illegal. Mexicans smoked it at the turn of the century and California passed the first state marijuana law, trying to limit the cultural chicano influence by limiting pot. Mormons who traveled to Mexico in 1910 came back to Salt Lake City with marijuana, and later the hemp “problem” was attributed to Latin Americans and black jazz musicians. Then the hippies took it on in the 1960s and again mainstream America linked it with "low-brow" people and culture. But from the drunken stories listed here I can totally see why alcohol is such a necessary drug to have at any party and should always be legal.
Sadly, the wedding traditions have evolved into tacky, tasteless and an expensive few hours with Bridezillas, spineless grooms, cranky mothers, and greedy guests. The best weddings I have been to are those that are small, simple and heartfelt. The weddings on a beach, in a garden etc are the best. If an invited guest cannot be gracious enough to enjoy a celebration without liquor, than they should not go to the wedding. It's not their day after all.
Please don't force your guests who have already paid for the expense of travel; lodging and a gift for your wedding to pay for their drinks as well. A dry wedding is classier than a cash bar. That being said a champagne toast to the couple or just wine or beer is all good too –as long as you are not requiring your guests to pay for it!
"A dry wedding is classier than a cash bar"? Are you serious?
All that shows is you do not understand class. Someone with class will not complain about paying for a drink. If you have already spent all that money, what is another $20 or so for a few drinks.
An easy way to put it, white trash with money is still white trash.
I disagree. When I say "invite" and "guests" that means that you, the guest, do not have to pay for anything. That also means that I do what's in my budget. So, for example, if I "invite" you to my house as my "guest", I don't make you pay for the food, but I'm also free as the "host" to serve a fully vegetarian meal if that's what I want to do. You, however, as the "guest" have the right to turn down my invitation if you think the circumanstances won't be to you liking. And, of course, you do it very politely.
I have been thinking the EXACT same thing! THANK YOU!!
It cost my wife and I almost $2000 to attend the last wedding we went to when airfare, hotel, clothes, and gift were totalled. An open bar showed that our expense was understood and appreciated.
You can't go two or three hours without a drink, you have a problem. I love a good drink, but I can sit through a kids ballgame or piano recital without a beer. I can sit through a dry wedding, too. If the wedding is in a hotel I know where the bar is. If its in a church or synagogue, I watch, I applaud and I leave (maybe for home or a bar). I'm past the age where I expect booze as the price of my presence or presents.
There is a difference between a wedding and a reception. A reception is a party. Hosts of parties should provide for their guests.
dont give the i have alcoholics in the family so i cant serve liquor excuse. Thats not yours or the rest of your guests problem. My uncle is an alchy i told him if he cant control himself not to come. 1 person isnt going to ruin a party for 150
Exactly!!!! If everyone stopped having parties because there was a drunk in the family, there wouldn't be ANY PARTIES!
For real! Just give the bartenders the low-down on Uncle Pete, and then enjoy the party!
Yeah, and then watch Uncle Pete make a scene when he's the only one not getting booze. If you're lucky, the wedding photographer will get it on tape. Oh the memories...
A reception is not, and never was, just a party.
It is a celebration, yes: it is a happy event, of course. However, it is also a highly-structured (traditionally) event which is meant to bring together the families and friends of both the bride and groom in one place, to mingle and to wish the couple well in their new life together. Traditionally, it's meant to be an all-ages event, so young and old can attend and enjoy themselves.
If there are concerns about the alcoholism of one or more guests, it should be no great mischief if the event is dry: the decision was most often made so that everyone can have a good time without any concern that one or more guests will act up. It helps ensure that everyone can feel at ease there. If certain guests need the alcohol to enjoy a wedding and can't go without it, or can't go without it without complaining about it, then you're better off declining the invite. After all, you won't tell the couple that you scaled back your present as a result, and the couple will only be glad that you attended and grateful for whatever gift you gave them.
My friends and I are flying for our high school friend's wedding this weekend – it's costing us each $500 for plane fair and a place to stay one night. This couple is quite young and both have a large family, but that's no excuse for a cash bar. If money's an issue, cut down on the number of guests until you can afford to have full open bar and lavish those guests with it. Oh, you want everyone to be able to enjoy your joyous occasion? Well, let me tell you, my friends and I won't be too joyous. As the professional photographer mentioned in this article, we'll forever remember you had a cash bar and how disappointed we were about that – we're young and on stricter budgets, too. Someday I'm sure one of us will stupid only our big mouth and tell you so. Then you'll forever be disappointed that we were disappointed...and it'll probably give you pause when you consider you didn't get wedding gifts from us, either.
The last wedding I went to...$300 for something to wear (I don't go to formal functions that often and my body type makes it impossible to borrow or buy cheap), $400 for a plane ticket, $150 for a room, $100 for a rental car, $100 for other miscellaneous items, $100 on a wedding gift. The wedding was at a neutral location, as the bride and groom were from opposite ends of the country but live in the Midwest, so most of us in attendance had to travel. They felt it would be rude NOT to have an open bar!
I'm sure we would all be sorry to not have meatman at our weddings.... yeah... uh huh.... lol
Dont worry Melissa I would not show up for you Dry Gudget wedding at the VFW hall......trash.......
I don't know what Miss Manners would say but Meatman says no Booze you lose.........Budget. If you are going to do it do it right.........open bar
Meatman- an open bar blows the BUDGET out of the water.
Alot of this is also regional and cultural. In the Northeast you would never think of having a wedding and not serving drinks. Just would ever happen as weddings are considered a big deal and you are inviting people and who are traveling and giving you gifts.
In other parts of the country weddings are less extravagant.. holding them in town halls etc.
go to city hall and get married if you cant afford to provide liquor.
This is a party. the liqour is just as important as the dancing
My husband and I got married 3 years ago and we never dreamed of asking our guests to pay for drinks. It's the same as any other party, you don't charge at the door. If I invite someone to a celebration, I don't expect them to pay for it. The bar tab was around $7K, true, for almost 200 people but it was well worth it.
IMHO, the bride and groom should not charge their guests for anything offered at a wedding. If the happy couple fears alcohol is too pricey or will lead to bad behavior, then they should not have booze at all. It would be interesting to find out what Judith Martin (Miss Manners) has to say on the subject.
That is exactly the point to the original article.
If you want a dry wedding, fine. It's "your" day or so you think.
Actually the wedding ceremony is for the couple, the reception is for the GUESTS.
The whole point is, have what you want, but don't expect your guests to pay for your party. That is just tacky!
My lord are there some holier than thou people here. Guess what, the ceremony is about you, do all your lovey dovey, emotional, heart felt stuff there. The reception is for your guests to celebrate you, the event overall, and for them to have a good time too. Don't judge them for wanting to have a few cocktails and letting loose.
If your financial situation is the reason for you having a cash bar or a dry wedding, that is fine, But to invite all those people so they can follow your rules on what is/isn't a good time is ridiculous.
Oh and one more thing, if you have your wedding on a national holiday weekend like 4th of July, Memorial Day, Labor Day, Presidents Day, New Years, etc. – YOU CANNOT BE ANY MORE SELFISH AND ARROGANT!!!!! Who exactly do you think you are taking one of the only paid holidays many people get a year and thinking they want to spend it with you by forcing them to come to your wedding? And I hope the people who are that selfish aren't the ones not providing booze at the wedding.
Seriously people, stop being so selfish...the ceremony is about you...the party is about everyone.
Wow, so you can't be bothered to give up one day for somebody. If your "sacred party days" are that important to you I am sure the people would not want you there anyway. If you can't give one day to them, or part of a long weekend, maybe you just are not a good enough friend. Maybe they did it on a holiday weekend so people did not use their vacation days from work just to come. What you see as inconvenient may be good planning.
Dave, it would depend a lot on whether someone has to travel for starters. Airline tickets are more expensive during peak holiday weekends. Traffic is worse. If it's on the Saturday of the weekend, someone may have to take the Friday off to travel to get there in time. Since most places are still open the Friday before a long weekend, that means asking for a vacation day and the days before/after holiday weekends tend to be very popular ones and not everyone can have off on the same day.
Also, medical, emergency, etc. personnel don't always have those days off and it can be a challenge to get them off. I'm not saying a couple shouldn't hold a wedding on a holiday weekend if that's what works best for them and the people they're closest too. Just that it can be more expensive and inconvenient or even impossible for some to attend.
Ah the irony. Your whole post is rather holier than thou.
You are all whining that the bride and groom are being cheap because you aren't getting something for FREE!! You are whining that you have to pay for something. You are being just as selfish. What happened to RESPECTING someone else's decision. That is truly the only way to NOT be selfish in all of this.
If you think the bride and groom are cheap etc and pass judgement, then you are just as bad in my opinion. I could not care less what they decide for their wedding. It is all about them... INCLUDING THE RECEPTION!
Ha! Most people shell out a lot of money to attend a wedding. A few drinks is hardly freeloading! Seriously! I laughed at your post and reasoning!! LOL!
We held ours on Memorial Day weekend because we had a lot of out of town guests. This way they could head home on Sunday after the brunch (which we also paid for) and have a day and a half to relax before having to trudge back into work. For us, it wasn't selfish, it was actually a way of making it easier on our guests.
A noble gesture, but if you had a secret camera on your guests, they would of disagreed with how convenient it was.
You had excellent intentions, but if they were from out of town, it means they probably got stuck paying peak airline fares, car rentals and possibly hotel rates unless you were able to get them some sort of discount. If they were driving, it may have meant more traffic on the way there.
Agreed. A dry wedding IS classier than a cash bar.
Those who say different are just trying to defend their cheapness. And seriously, TRUE drunks will sneak in booze and ruin your wedding anyway, if they want to. You can't control ANYBODY. So to say you are "worried" about people drinking too much is highly insulting. If you feel you need to babysit your friends and family who are ADULTS, maybe you should rethink who you spend your time with............
Valerie – please stop with your logic and rational thinking...it clearly has no place here.
Melissa – do you even have basic reading comprehension skills?
Dave – It is 100% selfish and many many many people agree. People want to go away for long weekends with their loved ones, on their terms, not yours. Unless its a real destination, like Napa or someplace nice. But don't be surprised if people are annoyed if they have to come to Buffalo, Akron, or Philadelphia on one of their only long weekends of the year.
I am planning a wedding right now and the most important things will be well provided – a nice ceremony that is not too long, a good band, and plenty of booze for those who want it. And for those who don't, have as much ginger ale, cranberry juice and whatever else you want. My favorite are the people who think they are providing "good food" for the 150+ people attending -listen, unless it is legit chef you are mass cooking 150 prime ribs and its not going to be nearly as good as it was in the tasting – so don't kid yourself.
See you all on the dance floor.
Your poor, poor, husband. I see, you are "planning a wedding" with a "real chef" and everything. You want everything "perfect". Let me tell you, I have been to dozens of weddings. People do not remember who had a cash bar or not. What they remember is things people do out of the ordinary. Having a certain band or DJ, however, not about a cash bar.
If you want it "perfect" as you described, I am sure you will have 2 or 3 times to get it right.
Thank you, finally somebody voiced what I have to keep to myself all these years about holiday weddings. Memo to all you folks trying to have weddings during special event weekends: airlines and hotels will charge your guests more than if it weren't a holiday!
Don't forget the car rentals too if it's not an easily driveable distance and they can't get carpool with other guests and/or public transit's not readily available.
I was at a wedding once where we were presented with 3 drink tickets at the door. It was great because those that didn't drink could share their tickets with those that did not. This way you get to chose how much you can afford and divide the free drinks amongst by everybody.
I meant to say that those that didn't drink could share their tickets with those that did, LOL
hey maybe all these people that cant afford an open bar are too young to get married. if u cant swing the open bar, what about a mortgage and two cars and education for your kids. something to think about when starting a life with someone. perhaps thats the reason for our high divorce rate. jsut saying
Or maybe, these young people are responsible enough to know that saving money by not having a lavish wedding will enable them to be able to afford the mortgage and the car and all of the other things that come with being married. Should only middle class people with upward mobility be allowed to show their love for each other by getting married?
Or maybe they are skipping a cash bar in lue of this!!! Perhaps they ARE concerned about bills and teh bill that will be left afterward!
*lieu
*the... I should stop typing so fast! LOL!
My brother spent $16k on the open bar at his wedding. He wanted the big lavish party and he was willing to pay for it.
When I got married last year I was not willing to spend that kind of money on booze for other people. We did give out free drinks, but not to that extent that my brother did.
I did the responsible thing and used that money for a down payment on our house. We own our cars and our student loans are paid off. If we spent $16k on booze, we wouldn’t have everything paid off. It takes a responsible adult to realize the true expense of a wedding.
And… If people want to get plastered, they can do it on their own dime, not mine.
I'm getting married on Aug. 28th 2010. We are doing a social/drinking hour where beer/wine are free, after dinner beer and wine are still free but if people want drinks they will have to pay for them. I think that is a fair way to do it. If people are going to complain that there isn't an open bar all night then they can screw themselves because clearly they only came because they are a mooch and not because they wanted to attend a wedding.
I completely agree. I hope you have a wonderful day!
Thank you.
as long as you're not pissed I don't bring a gift, it's okay. I mean hey do you want a gift or me at your wedding?
When we were married four years ago we had an open bar. My husband and I paid for everything but the reception–which my parents offered to do. We originally thought to go with a cash bar, but my parents wanted an open bar. They've been to a number of weddings over the years and felt that cash bars were being stingy. Plus none of my grandparents were able to afford alcohol when they were married and I think they always felt embarrassed by that. In many cases guests are travelling from great distances, have hotel expenses and have also brought a gift. My parents felt the least we could do was offer them drinks. We only had one friend we were concerned about drinking too much out of nearly 150 guests and although he did get drunk, he had someone with him who didn't drink to drive home.
I think this depends on your situation though. If you are concerned about liability, have a lot of problem drinkers or recovering alcoholics, or your religious beliefs don't accept alcohol, then most of your guests will understand if you have a dry wedding. Just explain things to guests if they ask. And skip the cash bar.
im sorry but i cant imagine not providing guests with liqour. im getting married next week and it didnt even come up as a question. maybe its because im from nyc but how can i take a gift from a guest and then charge them for a drink, it just seems tacky. also dry weddings? come on people this is a celebration. people drink and dance the night away. have some fun
I am from NYC too, and I don't even think there's an option when you book a wedding here to not have alcohol. I think some people I know had a choice of regular or top shelf. My venue was all top shelf included. My cousin doesn't drink so at her wedding she didn't have top shelf but she felt just because she didn't drink didn't mean her guests would go without.
Around here at least, people give upwards of $300 (and maybe more) as a gift and I think they expect a certain level of dining and also the option to drink.
As a North NJ guy I hear what your saying. I dont know where some of these people live, but 50$ gifts and they wanna drink top shelf all night? I guess it takes all kinds
I grew up in the Midwest, but live in NJ now. I'm sure it is hard for you to understand a $50 gift, but I promise you, it's not as cheap as it sounds. The cost of living, pay scale, etc. is really very different. Example: house in NJ now that costs $300,000 (which is cheap for NJ) would have been around $60,000 at the height of the market in parts of the Midwest. Pay scales are often adjusted to compensate. Just saying.
We have alcoholics in our family. So, when my husband and I got married, we used drink tickets. Each drink ticket was worth a free drink. We handed them out to friends and family of our choosing.
No free drinks for the alcoholics and it also prevented 3rd-Cousin Jimmy from getting plastered on our dime.
Drink tickets........what are you Carnies.....that is the most white trash thing I have ever heard of.
BUDGET
ive never heard such a thing...maybe take $5 at the door from each person for entering the room. arent you inviting someone to an event which you people are hosting? if you cant afford to host it, dont have it.
I wasn’t willing to spend my money on drunken idiots like you. The important guests got free drinks, and the “pity invites” had to pay for their own shit.
You don’t like it? too f-ing bad.
Seph – Tacky. Classless. "Pity Invites" vs "Important Guests"? Wow.
drink tickets, great idea. sounds like you tried to honor all your guests with originality
My maid of honor was 3 years sober at the time of my wedding (I went thru the time of her 12 steps with her so I know how important it was). Plus, I was 7 months pregnant. Still, my groom's best man made a point of mentioning the "Dry" part of our wedding in his speech. We have been married for 14 years but I wasn't sure that we would make it thru the 1st day.
So I got married just over two months ago (5/29/2010) My wife and I knew an open bar was a must (we even went top shelf). It has nothing to do with "needing it" to have a good time. There are so many different groups of people intermingling that a little social lubrication is a wonderful addition. If you are worried about how your guests would compose themselves when drunk, you may need to look at who your friends are and who you are inviting. I just can't imagine the caliber of people you all seem to know who would get so drunk they couldn't handle themselves at a very special event. We had quite a few rowdy party guests but none of them were disrespectful or obnoxious. I think maybe you guys just need to get new friends.
That's all well and good, but sometimes it's the family members and not the friends that are the problem. I wish inviting them were optional.
Did you ever think that maybe it's not the friends, but the family members? You can't just get new family. Especially parents. Are they just supposed to say, "Sorry, Dad/Mom, you can't come to my wedding because you're a recovering alcoholic"?
I am so tired of the "my dad is a recovering alch" angle. My dad is too and he would have been mortified if I had a dry wedding because of him. It would be implying I didn't trust him to manage his own recovery. Ridiculous.
You really should have drinks at a wedding. It is a party and a celebration. if you cant afford to have 200 people drinking than cut down to 125 and offer drinks. You dont need to invite your moms boss or your moms est friend from a gazillion years ago if you need to cut down. if you really cant afford a wedding with full bar and all that thats totally cool, then dont have a big wedding, but something small with close friends and family. But you cant have a big wedding then say I cant afford drinks.
As far as the many comments of having a dry wedding because someone is an alcoholic or recovering or whatever. Thats all well and good but since when does the alcoholic make the rules? Ho wabout telling the alcoholic not to come if he/she cant control themselves. Or make a point of telling the alcoholics better half to keep an eye on them instead of affecting all the other guests.
D: Ah the irony. Your whole post is rather holier than thou.
You are all whining that the bride and groom are being cheap because you aren't getting something for FREE!! You are whining that you have to pay for something. You are being just as selfish. What happened to RESPECTING someone else's decision. That is truly the only way to NOT be selfish in all of this.
If you think the bride and groom are cheap etc and pass judgement, then you are just as bad in my opinion. I could not care less what they decide for their wedding. It is all about them... INCLUDING THE RECEPTION!
That's right! Since when do we have to not have parties because of the alcoholics?! For God's sake people. A wedding without alcohol is like going to a kid's birthday party- BORING!
My husband and I just celebrated our wedding and we did it dry. One of my cousins is an alchoholic who drank away his own wedding and stumbled around drunk at his sister's wedding as well. I didn't want a repeat performance so we made the decision to take away that temptation. Some of our friends questioned our decision but as soon as we made it clear what the reasoning behind it was no one thought twice about it.
We had a wonderful day full of good food, dancing, music and wonderful friends and family. I can't believe that having alchohol would have made it any better.
meatman obviously needs to be drunk to have fun. That's typically a sign of lower intelligence.
We paid for our own wedding, but only did it when we could afford to do it right, with an open bar.
People travel miles, some even willing to fly in, sometimes taking time off work. Our bridal party was small, out of consideration of others with only the necessary close people. We arranged for deeply discounted rooms in the hotel, again out of consideration for the guests if they wanted to stay.
There are some alcoholics in the family and some guests too we suspect, but part of their recovery needs to include being a responsible adult around the majority of people who come for a day that is indeed all about us.
You might not drink, some people who come might not drink, but give the people a break who are pretty much killing a whole day or more to attend your wedding with a 50% divorce rate.
This article was so intriguing as well as some of the comments at both ends of the spectrum. This is the FIRST comment I have read that was reasonable and very sound. Not every wedding is the same and it's not just ALL about the bride and groom – it's about everyone in attendance. If your guests like to party it up it and the wedding is dry, it will definitely sour the mood – and the couples who think it won’t are the ones in deniable...and you’re friends are LYING…But if you matter to them it won't completely kill it. Most adults of legal drinking age are entitled to a fun night out after a 40+ work week. It doesn’t make you an alcoholic it makes you SANE. Sure there are exceptions and people who need to drink exist; however, each wedding is completely different. I’m sure there exceptions to the rule and there is an outlier for each situation but you can’t base it on what the world expects – it’s what you think it good for your wedding.
My husband and I will wrap up 10 weddings (including our own open bar wedding) in only 2 years at the end of this week and we have shelled out a lot of money for good friends and family with no issue. People aren’t asking for top shelf Greygoose vodka, they’re asking for you to put on a good time. One of the best weddings we attended had Banker’s Club vodka and boxed wine and we didn’t even realize until the end! If you simply do NOT want alcohol at you’re wedding that is your prerogative – but in all honestly, if you can shell out the money for a lavish (or even non-lavish) wedding, I think you should figure out a way to scrap together like $2k for some beer and wine (boxed works my friend) – go to Delaware where it’s tax free and do it! Your guests will thank you, people loosen up and unwind and remember what a great time they had.
People always forget the dish they ordered but they never forget when they feel they were treated poorly and the majority of adults who go to a dry wedding will REMEMBER that it was dry…not that your color scheme was purple and gold.
And for the record – those of you who are afraid of the people, who will get trashed, lighten up. One of the most entertaining guest at my wedding was plastered and you know what he would NOT stop saying – “this is the best wedding ever” and he made for quite the show and we embraced it.
When I got married we paid for the basics (red and white wine on the tables, beer on ice – things you would normally provide at a party – champagne for the toast) and had a cash bar available if the guests wanted something else. It worked out well.
We did a similar option- champagne punch and beer were available for free, hard liquor was available at a cash bar. The champagne punch was delicious and our guests were all happy with it. It worked especially well for the guests who wanted a festive beverage but aren't regular drinkers ( i.e. Grandma). The premium open bar option is nice, but it just didn't seem worth the price when our guests are more casual drinkers and wouldn't be throwing back Grey Goose all night.
Sounds like a good way to go. I might try this for my wedding.
We went with the hotel that included the open bar as part of the total package. it wasn't as beautiful a place as the inn we were also looking at, but i thought it was worth it to get more for our money this way. (It was also closer to our home, which I think helped with the last minute stuff.)
If you are at a place that has a separate drinks package or where you would need to pay the bar tab at the end of the night, ask if they will let you have an open bar, but limit the tab (like when the tabs hits $1,000 they will tell you and you can decide if you want to keep paying or close the bar at that point). I've done this for office Christmas parties I've organized as a way to ensure we stay within budget.
Meatman, you are a complete moron. Glad I don't really know you because you surely wouldn't be getting an invitation. Bottom line, do what you can afford and guests, you aren't there to be entertained. You are there to honor the bride and groom. Get over the alcohol crap.
All about the caliber of people you are inviting. If the family/friends/strangers you’re inviting are composed mainly of wasted low-life’s whose idea of recreation involves alcohol poisoning and a bail hearing, no booze is the way to go.
A word to potential guests... if the bride/groom are drunks, you can bet their wedding will turn into whatever environment they're most comfortable wtih so if you're not into it, DON'T GO.
This is indicative of our alcoholcentric culture. People have gotten to the point where they associate fun with alcohol and can't seem to have the 1st without the 2nd. It's a social crutch and it needs to stop. And do people really think that a newly wedded couple needs to take out a loan just so their friends and family, who are supposed to be gathering to celebrate the beginning of the couple's lives together, can have another excuse to get loaded AND do it for free? The importance of alcohol in our culture is at an all time high, as proven by the drunken level of intelligence and greed involved in far too many of these replies.
"portalpunk
Just let me know if its a cash bar before I buy your gift, what comes around goes around. Open Bar = Fancy Kitchen Appliance, Cash Bar = Picture Frame"
So basically, the people that share these sentiments are saying their ability to get drunk is more important than their "friends" special day. These people care more about themselves obviously than they do about anyone else. It's petty and lame, because these are the same people that would be whining if they weren't invited to the wedding at all!
if you are poor and cant afford a wedding than don't get married, you will just breed more poor people that have dry crappy weddings. However I would not be surprised if you poor people get some relief from Obama Legislation soon. I heard that he would be enacting a federal wedding stimulus plan to subsidized alcohol at weddings.
Sorry. is that meatman or meathead. It seems you have neither brains, style, or compassion. You would likely enjoy getting stoned, drunk, and vote 4 times for W for president and not have a clue that the country went to hell in a handbasket.
My compassion start at home with my family. I have no compassion for those that can not better themselves. I pay enough in taxes just to watch it be handed by do-gooders like you to the undeserving and lazy.
Congrats dude you win the medal for the dumbest post on here. Way to go....and if you want to make it political im sure you and your redneck conservative hill billy friends have all the booze they need for their wedding because they make there own moonshine out back.... yee Haw loser
Mr. Meatman – Now... Now... Because someone has a 'dry' wedding doesn't make them poor! Hell! A LOT of poor people have very expensive weddings and end up in DEBT afterward. It's the American way. People charge upward of $90,000 on credit cards to give the appearance of wealth. Maybe there are young couples starting out who just hope for their REAL friends to come to the wedding... Drinks or not! :) Maybe they just choose to spend their money on other things... Say a fabulous honeymoon, a down payment for a home or drinks for THEM. Shesh!
Hearing the comments in the article make me want to put "dry wedding" on the invitation so that only my real friends would show up. The idea is to celebrate the wedding. If you want to get tanked, stay at home!
With that said, I think that if you can't afford an open bar, having a cash bar offers the opportunity to those who do want to drink. Maybe I am wrong, but aren't these people, who equate alcohol with fun, going to be more disgruntled if they can't have their drinks at all, rather than if they had to pay for them as if they were out at a bar with their buddies?
As a best man for my brothers wedding i paid upwards of 3grand for tux, bach party (includes covering groomsmen who were out of work), and wedding gift. open bar is the very least they can do for the guests when one takes into account the amount of money the wedding party alone spends to be part of the couple's big day. and if other guests are flying in and spending money on the hotel rooms, the very least is to make sure they never go thirsty.
Stop complaining about no alcohol. If you can't go 4 hours without drinking, you'd better check yourself into a facility of some kind.
Our wedding was dry because my husband's parents refused to pay for booze and my dad was an alcoholic. To try to make the matter easier on our guests, we had a morning wedding, followed by a luncheon. Yeah, some people were upset, but they just left early. We were fresh out of college, and neither my husband or I had money. We kept the whole wedding under 10k.
What did you spent it on? We kept ours under 10K and through catering it ourselves we saved and were able to have an open bar.
The hosts of the party are allowed to provide whatever they deem fit – but they should take desires of both the guests and the guests of honor (bridal party) when planning. What is offered should be in keeping with what the guests (presumably friends) would expect if they were invited to any other party that you were throwing. Would you normally serve beer, wine, cocktails? If yes, they'll expect you to have those at the reception. If you can't afford to do that, re-consider your plans. You can have fewer guests, or you could have an early-afternoon luncheon, where people wouldn't necessarily expect you to have an open bar.
In any case, you'd never expect a guest to have to bring money to any normal party you invited them to attend – don't do it at a wedding either.
I am just curious about the age of the people commenting on this topic. I agree that an open bar is a great thing, however, it is not a prerequisite, and it should not be expected. Unlike prior generations most married couples are paying for their own weddings and receptions, and open bars are inherently expensive. In an open bar situation people order drinks that they would never buy on their own (due to the price) and then leave the glasses half full. I have seen more that one couple get a bill two to three times larger then they expect due to this. Which brings up the another problem, people budget for a wedding, and often open bars are paid for afterwards.
Weddings are people trying to share a day with their friends and family, not a reason to party down like a frat boy. If you are drinking at a wedding, you are an adult, try to act like one. If you want a drink as a reward for coming, then stay home.
I am 27. I don't get drunk at weddings. I would like a glass of wine with my meal, and I don't want to have to pay $8 for it after I shelled out cash on gifts, hotel, etc.
As I said, if you want a drink as a reward, then stay home. If people complain that they spend too much for a wedding, then don't go.
Someone also said that they spent $7,000 on a bar tab for 200 people. That is $35.00 per person. Understanding that some people will not drink, or have only one or two, this means that several people are buying expensive drinks, or drinking way too much. Just proving my point.
Then bring your own. Barefoot brand wine is quite good and costs maybe $6 a bottle. If you're coming for a meal and a glass of wine and not because you're genuinely happy for the couple getting married, stay home and use the money you saved to go to Olive Garden. Win-win all around.
OMG $8! That's breaking the bank there! I don't get it. $8 is really going to a deciding factor for attending a wedding? And you do know you don't have to spend $100+ on a gift, right?
Of course $8 isn't going to break the bank, but it's tacky to make guests pay for a portion of your party. Would you honestly throw a party and not provide for your guests? TACKY!
I completely agree with Amanda. The reception is a party, and it is tacky to ask people to pay for their own drinks. It is also tacky to show up to a wedding and not bring a gift (regardless of the alcohol situation). If an open bar is too expensive, invite less people. If you're worried about people getting drunk and inappropriate, get new friends.
Amanda, don't fly in or get a hotel or get a gift if all you wanted was an overpriced, marked up open bar party. Next time you get an invite with "cash bar later", tell the bride/groom to save the $500 cost of inviting you because you demand open bars in order to attend weddings.
Oh, and start saving up for your own wedding, you certainly wouldn't want to be scorned by your *friends* for having cheap crappy flower arrangements, a non-silk wedding dress, a boring venue, blah invites, no entree options, a generic cake, no live music, no transportation provided for your guests, and god forbid no $6,000 6-hour open bar.
Absolutely, throwing your friends the best, prettiest party for all their *troubles* should be you, your grooms, and your parent's goal. much easier if you have the extra $40k sitting around, which you may very well have, and desire to spend it on your party instead of a home, car, or child's fund.
You don't pay the tab like you would if you went out to eat dinner. "open bar" is included in the price per person. Thatt's why people choose to serve wine and beer. Some places offer that as a cheaper alternative
That depends on the place, notsoswift.
I am 33 soon to be 34 and I do not drink to get drunk. Ill have a sip of the toast with everyone and thats about it. I dont care if your wedding is dry, free, or cash bar, because I wont be drinking. Please just dont hire a crappy band. Its all about the music and having fun.
I agree. It's reached the point with some people that weddings have become commodity exchanges and, quite honestly, it's time we took a good, hard look at what we've done with such events as a whole.
This is my take on the whole thing: if you have a reason to complain about any aspect of the event, you have a reason to decline the invitation when it comes. If you object to the religious service, can't stand to have children there (or not there,) if you have a problem with whether the couple chooses an open bar, cash bar or to go dry – and it's going to affect your ability to enjoy the event or to wish the couple well, then do the right thing and decline the invitation. Save your money, your sanity, and your connection to the couple.
It's seriously time that we dropped some of our expectations about what a wedding is supposed to be like, because we can't afford most of the BS anymore and more will feel the same way as time goes on. If some couples can, then that's awesome. The rest of us, though, will need to cut back to build up our lives and some of us again will forgo the whole process thanks to the ridiculous, self-indulgent overspending of a few with more money than taste.
We had a dry wedding because several people on my husband's side of the family (including my father-in-law). Our wedding was during the day – over by 6pm so people had plenty of time to go out if they wanted. Our feeling was if people didn't want to come because it was dry that was fine.
If you have a dry day wedding and don't expect gifts, I thin that's fair. But a dry evening wedding and a massive registry piss me off!
You are just a pathetic, self-centered brat. All of you people who's attitude is "If I don't get something, you don't either." are babies. If I were your parents I'd be ashamed that I brought up such a horrid person. This whole entitlement attitude is disgusting.
God, you're full of yourself. Every post you've made has been about what YOU think the bride and groom should do FOR you. If you think attending a wedding entitles you to something that the bride and groom obviously either can't afford or don't want, then do everyone a favor and RSVP your regrets.
Weddings take a full day of time and a lot of money on the part of the guest. If you want to have the big, swanky event, you should shell out for it. A dry day wedding is cool with me, but a fancy dinner affair isn't complete without a glass of wine. I would never host guests at a party and expect them to provide for themselves. A PARTY is an expense, and a reception is a PARTY.
And let me be clear – I would always provide a gift for a wedding, but a dry wedding host is not getting the $150 blender. They are getting the $50 soup bowls.
Amanda you must be an alcoholic to link your gift of love to a drink. That's pretty sad. I can just hear your conversation "Sorry I need to get drunk at your wedding in order to get through it and to feel OK with giving you a gift from your gift registry ". If you don't care about the couple don't go to the wedding, don't give them a gift and please don't eat a piece of the cake that cost about 5.00 per 1×2 in slice. I know I am a cake decorator. Much rather someone come to the wedding WITHOUT any gift in their hand if they can't afford it but to have love in their hearts. My brother's recent wedding requested NO gifts and they had sit down dinner and open bar. You'd have loved that because you could get drunk and not even buy a present. Thinking about this, you are a shallow alcoholic. Anyone who puts that much emphasis on drinking definitely has a problem.
Do I enjoy most weddings. No I don't, they mean nothing to me but the people in them do and if they don't mean enough for me to buy them a present then I don't go. Alcohol or not.
Sorry to disappoint, but I am not an alcoholic. I don't over-drink at weddings either, generally have 2 glasses of wine and the champagne toast. It isn't even really about the gift. It's about being a proper host. If you are hosting a party, you shouldn't make people pay for a portion of the party. It's tacky. I have actually only been to one dry wedding in my life, it was a morning wedding with a short luncheon and was dry for religious purposes. That's pretty much the only way it's okay for me. I'll still be there, with my gift and my smiles, but I'll be thinking, "Tacky! Tasteless!"
Amanda, you and your fixation on big, swanky, expensive events just scream "high maintenance". Who said a wedding and reception have to break the bank? Most of the weddings I attend aren't "swanky" and offer a cash bar as the only option, yet the bridal party AND the guests have a good time. Imagine that. Guests who don't mind paying for a few drinks and who feel honored to have been asked to share in the day with the bride and groom and a bride and groom who don't expect fancy, high dollar gifts from their guests. Attitudes like yours remind me everyday how thankful I am not to be a part of the "me" generation.
That's cool, I understand that when you only read a few comments from me on a message board, you might think I am a crappy person. I'm really not. I have strong opinions about what it means to host a wedding, and probably sound snotty about it. I'm really a good person, I work hard and want the best for my family and friends.
The best wedding I ever attended cost he bride and groom $7000 total, including their flights from Colorado to North Carolina and boarding their dog for a week. The wedding was on a beach and the reception was in a beach house. It wasn't fancy, very low key. But it was still beautiful, magical, and an open bar.
Be a gracious host. Don't make guests pay for a portion of your wedding. It's tacky.
Be a gracious guest. Don't accept a wedding invitation if all you're going to do is complain when the bride and groom don't give you what you want.
I didn't complain at the dry wedding I attended, because they were cool about it and got us all out of there by mid-afternoon, and because religious beliefs were the reason they didn't serve alcohol in the first place.
Amanda - It is tacky to expect guests to pay for their own drinks at a party that you are throwing. Stating that you won't bring a gift to a dry wedding is equally tacky, tasteless, and rude. Politeness and civility aren't commodities to trade.
Also, by definition, if you feel you NEED a glass of wine with dinner, then you ARE an alcoholic –even if you don't get drunk.
1. Yay, we agree it's tacky!
2. I would still bring a gift to a dry wedding. I just think it's tacky to be cheap about your wedding planning and then expect your guests to be lavish.
3. I don't need a glass of wine. It's nice to have, and expected at a party. I know I'm not an alcoholic, no worries there!
So, religion is an acceptable reason for a dry wedding, but budget is not? I don't agree. I would rather have as many of my friends in attendance as can make it than have to cut back on the guest list to make sure there was alcohol provided.
Just because YOU might only have 2 glasses of wine doesn't mean everyone else will! That's why we're doing champagne punch and one keg of beer. If someone feels the need to drink hard liquor, they can pay for it themselves.
My husband and I had a dry wedding mainly because of cost and family behavior. We had around 100 people and that was literally family and a small, select handful of close family friends. My parents paid for everything including the bridesmaids dresses, the tuxes, and the airfare for my maid of honor and my husband's best man and their hotel room. (They are a married couple.) The rest of the wedding party was made up of people who lived close so no transportation was necessary. My parents feel that we asked them to be in the wedding so they shouldn't have to shell out. We saved money by having an early afternoon wedding with a buffet rather than a sit down meal. We made sure there was enough food and we had it at a small, non-private venue. Luckily a close friend of the family is a professional photographer and volunteered to do the pictures as our gift. My parents decided they couldn't afford an open bar and think a cash bar is tacky.
My inlaw's hosted the rehersal dinner and had beer and wine for everyone the night before. Since most of our guests were family, most of them were there. Several of them got drunk and made the entire night unpleasant. I was quite glad that our wedding was dry otherwise there might have been a repeat performance.
It should be the preference of the bride and groom...Your guests should be attending your wedding because you have a relationship with them and they want to celebrate with you this new chapter in your life. It depends on your culture and upbringing...if you want to include it in part (wine on the tables/cash bar) or the whole (open bar) - that's just as much the call of the bride and groom as the flavor of the cake. If your gift to the bride and groom depends on the availability of the alcohol– do everyone a favor and stay home with a 2-4
It seems that a Russian wedding is different from an American one, and I have been to both.
In a Russian wedding, there is a free cocktail hour, that means free food and free drinks, before the ceremony. After the ceremony there is still free food and drinks, and a LOT of it. You do not bring gifts of course. You bring an envelope of about $150-$200.
At American weddings, gifts were the norm, and limited food and drinks.
I would go for the former any time.
Russian weddings sound wildly similar to Greek weddings. The ceremony and reception are out of this world with 7+ course dinners and a ton of beer/wine/liquor for free. The guests are mature enough to control and moderate their alcohol intake, so no one gets out of hand.
Guests usually give money ($200+ and sometimes close to $1,000) to the new couple to spend how they want (paying for part of the wedding, new house, etc.). The reception parties usually go on until 4am or later. The celebration is beautiful and always so memorable as everyone has a blast dancing together until the wee morning hours. Too bad American weddings don't mimic Greek or Russian celebrations!
Agreed! We also had Fat Greek wedding. You might as well not have a reception if you're not going to have an open bar, tons of food and dancing. All in all, all we really wanted as a couple was to make sure everybody had a blast. It can absolutely get expensive, but one way to cut costs is to invite less people or to ask family members to be part of the wedding planning and pitch in the cake or things like that. If you have a close knit family you'll be surprised how much people want to help. A reception is a party! !I guess the difference is the approach to the wedding. It's never really about just the bride and groom. It's about FAMILY!
I think a lot of people are missing the point. I go to an average of 7 weddings EVERY YEAR! People are having huge weddings these days and get offended when people don't come. On top of that you are asked to show up to an engagement party, a bachelor(ette) party, a shower (for the girls), a rehearsal dinner. I have already spent up to $1,000/per wedding on multiple weddings, not including a bar tab. If you want me to pony up for travel/gift/etc, give me a drink to relax at the end.
I generally make it a policy not to attend weddings any longer. They should go the way of the horse and buggy. Most couples have already been living together for some time and stand a better than average chance of divorce. Spending all the money and time for a party that is oft forgotten soon after is passe. Maybe throw the wedding party on the 10th anniversary would be more appropriate. Honor the bride and groom...what are we actually honoring? At nice little get together with friends and family who would actually have visit your home is far nicer than 300 people stuffing their face and drinking who probably barely know the bride and/or groom.
100% agree with you. i don't need to bankroll a day for friends to get a toaster oven and have an expensive event designed to be a dog and pony show for attention. Having a celebration at the 10 year mark would make me dole out a ton of money for the couple to take a wonderful vacation. Out of 7 weddings I've been to, 2 are divorced and 3 are so wildly unhappy it makes me sick. skip this barbie dream wedding, elope and send me pics. we can throw money at you at the 10 year mark:D
Throw me money! My 15 year anniversary is coming up at the end of September. We eloped and had a JP wedding. We didn't have a reception, party or dinner for family/friends. We ate dinner together at a quiet restaurant where, when they discovered we'd just been married, took half off our ticket. So, 15 years later, I think it is something to celebrate.
BTW, (not directed at you ~j), why would you invite me to a party of any kind and then ask me to pay for my dinner or drinks? How inconsiderate! "Please come to my party, and by the way, I intend to serve the most expensive meal I can find, so please bring your checkbook or credit card because I'd like you pay for your meal" "Ummm, no thanks."
My husband and I recently went to a wedding and I gave the bride and groom a card with our wishes for a happy marriage. My husband, a videographer, went early and filmed the entire day for them, from the morning until the end of the party in the evening. We'll edit the film, send it out to the professionals for DVD burning and label printing, and provide it to the new couple at no cost to them. I don't feel guilty at all for only showing up with an empty card.
I totally agree.... Not too many marriages make it to 10 years now.. so if you make it that far.. I'll spend a ton of money ona gift for you..
My husband and I will hit 10 years next June.. We had a VERY SMALL wedding with just our immediate family and super close friends.. There was no alcohol because we were poor.. hence the small wedding.. so there was no real reception party.. And as for the 10 year mark? maybe we will have a little thing, but doubtful.. now that we are to that point, we'd rather spend the money on a nice trip for ourselves and not a silly party... I can think of a few better reasons to throw a party.. like when my hubby turns 40 in a few more years.. THAT will be a time to shell out $$$ for a good party!
Wow, some people have no hope anymore. I just got married less than two weeks ago. My now-husband and I didn't live together, didn't even sleep together, prior to marriage, and have told each other multiple times prior that going through with the wedding really does mean till death do us part. I fought with my mother to have only family members I knew coming (she insisted on inviting her cousins that I didn't even know, who thankfully didn't come or send more than a card, which is just fine) and my husband and I invited our closer friends. So. Maybe you don't have to have a wedding with guests and you can just elope, but we wanted to celebrate with family and friends in our first few hours of marriage.
You all are ridiculous. Dry weddings are the most dreadful events in the world to attend. I have been in four weddings and probably been too over 12 weddings over the past two summers, most of them were free beer/wine and pay for liquor bars (which I think is probably the way to go)... not once did I see anyone 'get out of hand'... again though, its the caliber of people you are inviting that is going to make the difference.
Totally agree with everything you said.
I agree! I am soooo sick and tired of hearing about "oh, its all about the bride and groom". Then go f ing elope.
It is all about the bride and groom. On your wedding day you can have beer, wine, and Grey Goose. Just make sure you remember that people are going to remember the 50$ gift you gave them, and give it right back to you. Cheers
What are you even talking about John? Who said anything about a $50 gift? Or whether you serve beer, wine, grey goose? In fact, why give a gift at all? Within 5 years, one of them is likely to have an affair anyhow, end up in a messy divorce, and one of them gets your fancy gift you gave them at their wedding. What a waste of hard earned money
My daughter has a spring wedding coming up. We are on a VERY LIMITED budget but have chosen to have an open bar serving only wine and beer and serve hor d'oeurves. We would like our guests to enjoy themselves. BUT, if you feel the need to get wasted at a weeding, either open bar or cash bar, then I would just as soon you not come. That shows no respect for the bride and groom their families and other guests. If you need liquor, then go to a liquor store and buy yourself a bottle. Then go home. Weddings are for the bride and groom, the guests are invited to witness and enjoy their union. Not to act like they are out clubbing. I think people can give a few hours of their time in order to celebrate a happy occassion without getting trashed. Grow up or go to a frat party.
We are going away to get married but coming back and having a big party. Free beer and soda- but if you want booze, you need to pay for it. I don't want to start out our married life with a $5000.00 bar tap- so we are spliting the difference and offering free beer all night. That's what most of our friends drink, anyway, so I think it's a right balance.
That's fine, just don't register for gifts.
Amanda- that’s quite rude. Jen said that she is providing FREE Beer and Soda, and that is generous enough. If you don’t like it stay home!
It's equally rude to invite me to a party, expect that I bring a gift, and not act like a gracious host. A wedding is a ceremony. A reception is a PARTY. You are throwing a PARTY. I would never, ever throw a party and not provide alcohol. The whole debate is total nonsense. If you want to act like a Rockefeller and wear a $1000 dress and rent out a swank hotel and serve filet mignon, you better shell out for some beer and wine.
hey dopey, the gift you bring is to cover your plate for all the food your fatt a$$ is probably gonna eat. And Im sure your gonna bring a date of equal heft who can eat as much as a small African village. Your gift better be north of 300$ cause most places charge 150$ per head. just a thought.
Amanda – I think that the way you think of a wedding is quite rude. It isn't about an equal exchange of goods. It is about giving a gift and in some cases having a party. We didn't get married until we were in our late 30s and early forties. On that note, we had been to many weddings where we happy guests with or without a bar or a party. When we got married, we discussed having a casual party; however, my husband wanted a more formal affair so we did it...with an open bar. We did it this not to get a great gift but to celebrate with our family. And just to let you know, a wedding is often a costly event where many guests don't cover the cost of their seat. While you might view that you "paid" for your meal, we paid for our wedding and our "gifts" didn't cover the cost, and I didn't expect it too. We didn't expect to "make off" with the goods as that would have a rude as your position. Our goal was for people to have fun, and we were lucky that we were in a position to be able to do that. We were also thankful for all of the gifts we received. They were just that gifts...not payment for a meal.
I think it's equally tacky not to bring a gift. If someone attended a dry wedding and didn't bring a gift, I would call that person tacky. So, I guess I am negating my opinion that the gifts and drinks are related. Hosts of parties (wedding reception or otherwise) must serve drinks. Wedding guests must bring gifts. Everyone needs to stop being tacky.
If I am shelling out $100 or $200 bucks for a wedding gift I better get a good meal and a dirty martini or two. Cash bars are budget and watching Reformed Dutch Christians learn to dance is the creepiest thing I have ever heard of, I would need a drink or two to stomach that.
Wow. Why are you shelling out $100-200 for a wedding gift? The only people who spent that much on a gift for us were our parents and siblings. The average priced gift that we got was about $25.
Then you had cheap attendees or your wedding was catered by Chuck E. Cheese. You are supposed to cover the cost of your plate.
$25...are u serious? if i got 25 from guests i prob wouldnt even have a wedding....what kind of adult gives 25 bucks as a wedding present
I shell out $200 on a wedding gift because I expect a glass of wine!
that is because you and your people are poor and should die.............
@Boring, the kind of guest who has very little to spare, but wants to offer the couple well wishes?
Not everyone can afford to give $50/$100/$200 gifts to everyone they know who gets married. A few years ago I had a summer in which I was invited to no less than 15 weddings/handfastings/union ceremonies. I didn't attend them all, and for some I could give no more than a card and my best wishes.
Doesn't mean I didn't want to do more. Simply that I could not.
Same for us! My husband and I had a nice sit down dinner (they were allowed to eat as much as they wanted too!), provided champagne and I made sure that the cake I ordered was a really good tasting cake rather than just looked good. But yeah, we averaged $25-$30 per gift.
you have cheap friends who should have went to school for a better education and a better job. As I stated in another post, where I live in NJ we give between 300-500$ gifts.
John, I hope you lose your job and can no longer provide rediculously expensive wedding gifts to your friends. Just because you live where you live and make what you make (oh how impressive by the way), you shouldn't call other people cheap. They give what they can, and that does not make them cheap, it makes them responsible. People shouldn't give more than they can afford so who really cares? If you base your guest list on the dollar value of the gift you are going to get, you really have no idea what matters.
The fact is I over pay at the reception Party so they dont have to give me anything FREE . Some adults cant handle alcohol and I feel sad if your family members or freinds cant handle themselves . Get some more ADULT people for Adult beverages . I handle myself and my money but if your party sucks and theres no liquour it will be hard to stay for a while . Considering how some people on here are alittle out of touch on what I sould be happy for I doubt I would of wanted to go to your wedding . SNOREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE yay your getting married and boring me .
John- Our guests gave what they could afford. And our friends did go to college, and several went onto grad school- that’s why they cant afford to give lavish gifts – college is expensive. It was not the price of the gift that was important to us, it was the fact that our friends and family were able to spend the day celebrating with us.
Ten years ago, the cost of a guest for a sit down dinner... with open bar... was between $60 and $90 per person. So, assuming the cheaper price, if you give a gift of ONLY $150 that breaks down to "giving" $15 per person and covering the cost of your dinner and drinks. I have seen people spend more on a Secret Santa gift for someone they hardly know!
If the reception was held in a nice hall and the food is palatable, then that $150 probably didn't even cover the cost of your dinner and drinks. So... if you are not immediate family or best friends with the couple, and you can't bring yourself to cover the cost of your attending the event plus give some kind of a gift, then don't go. Don't be a burden to a young couple just setting out in life. Don't set them off into their new marriage in debt.
So yes, I do believe that $200 is a minimum acceptable wedding gift for two attending a reception. I give at least $300 because that means that I actually covered the cost of inviting us and gave only $100 as a couple.
My costs are based on ten years ago, though. I could be a cheap bastard for all I know.
Trina, I tend to give about $150-$175 (sometimes more) depending on how close I am to the person (I'm on my own, I'd double it for a couple) and if it's a destination wedding. I give that because it's what I can afford. If the couple can't cover my plate with that, that's not my problem. They should have either had a simpler wedding or cut the guest list. And if they want to cut me that's fine. If I want to have people over to dinner at my house, I serve what I can afford. If I can afford to serve them lobster and filet mignon, that's fine. If I can't afford that, I can go with spaghetti & home made sauce or something in the middle. I would never expect them to cover the cost of my entertaining them as I'm the hostess. I have friends who may insist on bringing wine or dessert (as I do when I go to their homes), but I would never expect or depend upon it.
If you came to my wedding and only gave me 200$ id never invite your cheap a$$ to anything ever again. You wanna drink all night, better be 500$ or better in my envelope. I dont know what part of the country you live in, but in the NY NJ CT area where most of us make some coin, 500 is the norm for a gift cheapo.
Well gee son, why don't you just demand your wedding party all puts in to buy you a new Mercedes? If you think anything under $500 as a wedding gift is unacceptable, then you clearly are used to having money and as a result don't need any of your guests to provide you with giftsl. People like you should be providing the party at no cost to anyone. Or, ya know, not have any guests at all because you're a money-means-all, conceited, schmuck with no grasp of how the majority of the world works.
I live in the same area and the norm is $100 per person.
You are right Jay. I am used to having money. I work hard for it as do most of my friends. We didnt take the crap route in life and we are blessed to have good jobs in a part of the country that never stops. Im not asking to put in for a Mercedes, I bought my own. All I want is for you to cover your plate (you did eat after all). If you cant afford to come to a first class wedding and give a decent gift, then please decline when you get the invite.
@John, 3 things:
1 – It depends what the bride and groom register for. If they've registered for things that average, say, $50, I'm not going to buy them 10 gifts. That's ridiculous.
2 – If the couple has only registered for $500 gifts, that's incredibly tacky.
3 – With your condescending attitude, I'm guessing that your most realistic marriage prospect is your Mercedes.
My wife and I didnt register for gifts. Please dont get all bent out of shape because of other people financial arrangements. I work damn hard for my money and I'm terribly sorry that what I feel is an appropriate gift might be beyond your means. My wife is a Dr. and I have my own business. We enjoy the finer things in life and both work hard to get them. I dont look down on people who cant give a decent gift, however all I ask is for you to cover your plate. Is that so hard to understand? If Im laying out 45-55K$ on a wedding, you could at least pay for your meal. You dont have to leave more if you cant afford a gift to go with covering your plates.
cough cough DOUChe cough...
I certainly hope you have more than one Mercedes, you poor, poor, little man.
John,
I agree with you. If the reception is at a nice place, $200 is the minimum to cover the cost of a couple's meal and drinks. That basically means that the guests are giving you the gift of their presence. That is pretty egotistical if you ask me! To congratulate the bride and groom on their event the gift should be at least $300 (for a co-worker for example) and more if you genuinely care about the bride and groom. Any travel expenses or loss-of-work time are not to be counted into the cost of a gift! This, of course is all different if you have known the bride/groom since the 3rd grade or are a sibling and can't afford a gift. Then, your presence at their reception genuinely is a gift!
If I don't go to the wedding/reception, then my gift is a minimum of $100 and more depending on my relationship to the couple.
John,
You are a giant D-bag! Cover your plate for $500? Are you out of your fucking mind? You're probably the same type of asshole who doesn't tip waiters/delivery people because they are "just doing their job." I hope your business goes under and your wife is sued for malpractice!!! Then maybe you will have an understanding of how REAL people live, you arrogant prick!
Guy dont be all pissy with me because we come from two different financial places. Im sorry if you cant afford to give gifts like that. I am very blessed to be able to. I do not have kids nor do we want them. We enjoy the finer things in life and giving a receiving gifts is on that list. For the record I have 4 cars and they are all gas guzzlers. SO WHAT? this is how I choose to live my life.
I always give 20% to waiters and the like because I work in that industry. I always overtip to make up for the cheapskates of the world or the people who truly would like to give a nice tip but cant. I happen to be one of the hustlers who made it and made it nicely. I wont call you names as you have me because I indeed have class. I can articulate an answer even to a boob like you who wishes me ill. Have a great wednesday my friend!!!!
Dear John,
I went to school. I even went to College. *gasp* You seem to forget that everyone puts on their pants the same way.
Except you. You must have some magical way of putting on pants. Clearly, you are better than everyone else here, because money makes you that way. After all, you only invite people to you events that can drop $500 without a thought, and drive Mercedes. Bully for you, Old Chap!
Here's some fat for you to chew on. You went to school. I went to school. You went to college, I went to college. Great! Gosh, aren't we doing well? You have a business. Isn't that nice? I chose to work in the human service field and I service the mentally ill every day. I don't get paid much, but boy, do I make a difference in the community. I help the mentally ill stay out of hospitals, that you, as a tax payer, would pay for. I help the mentally ill recover, find employment, become a tax payer, find independent housing, community support, learn vocational skills, develop communication skills, goal setting skills, and much, much more. For this, I get paid very little. But it feels great.
No one knows what you do, except that your wife is a doctor, so we know she helps people. Great! You run a business, so you provide a service, charge an overhead to make profit and make enough money to buy a Mercedes. Or maybe your wife bought it for you. It's possible!
But just because you provide God Knows What Service to the community, charge Lord Knows what amount of overhead so you make your $$ so you can drop $500, and be 'better' than us underlings that work super hard to better the world for the rest of the community, does NOT make you a Good Man.
John, I just wanted you to know that.
And even if you brought me $5k to my wedding coming up this month, I would NOT let you attend.
Kind Regards,
A dedicated community worker.
"Everyone puts on their pants the same way. We are all Equal."
(Even John)
There is nothing wrong with working in the civil service field my friend. I know we all put our pants on the same way I am not suggesting that we do not. For the record I DIDNT go to college so you have one up on me. If you read my posts you would see that I stated that I work in the service industry. I just happent to have made it where some people fail.
I married my wife because I love her and she is my best friend, not because she could buy me a car. (I make more than she does, although she does very well for herself at 27) Its a shame that you people think I am so shallow because I ask you to cover a plate at a wedding. Its the equivelant of a night out and paying for dinner and entertainment. If I have the means to give nice gifts so what? We all start life on a pretty level playing field, its what you make of yourself and the legacy of what you want to leave behind. I thank you for your hard work and effort in your field. Have a nice weekend.
I wouldn’t make the generalization that ALL hardworking, educated Tri-state dwellers can afford a 500 wedding gift. I live in Brooklyn and I’m a high school teacher currently enrolled in graduate school and I can assure that I would be able to give a gift in your quoted price range only very rarely. Some people have to travel to attend the weddings of their friends and that does cut into the amount that you can spend on a gift. I think a gift should still be given, but yeah, as a teacher who has to travel for the wedding, I can’t afford to spend what a spinal surgeon who lives locally can. Additionally, if a guest is invited to many weddings close together, it limits what they can spend on any one. If I have to attend three weddings in one summer, it's highly unlikely I can spend 500 on each couple. I certainly believe that if you are invited to a wedding, you should bring a gift, but I don't feel what I spend on a gift has to equal what the bride and groom spent on catering per plate, if they chose to have an expensive wedding. Anyone who wants to have a wedding where it would require all of the guests to bring a $500 gift to cover their plate would hopefully either do one of two things 1) only invite people who can afford that or 2) understand that some of your invitees cannot spend that much money and either choose to invite them anyway because you enjoy their company or don't invite them. Personally, I feel if a person can afford to spend that much on a wedding, then they are probably doing pretty well financially (and if they aren't, it's highly irresponsible to spend a fortune they don't have on their wedding) and honestly don't really need $500 gifts from every single guest and should enjoy the company of their guests, whatever they can afford to spend.
I resent the assumption you hold that all educated, hardworking people should be wealthy. I certainly think the wealthiest people out there have an amazing work ethic. However, not everyone places the same value on wealth. Social workers, for example generally have to possess a Master’s Degree, so they are certainly educated and hard working, but they don’t generally earn a very high income. They may not enjoy the sort of career that brings in great wealth, and they may place a high premium on helping others in their daily work. It doesn’t mean they don’t work as hard as you do or are less intelligent. If your career makes you a lot of money, great, count yourself luckly that what you enjoy happens to also make you wealthy.
Hey, Meatman, instead of going to a reception for the sole purpose of getting booze, why don't you keep the $200 you spent on a gift and stay home and drink. Not everyone has the means to support your drunken freenzy.
Darn! I should call my Aunt, who was on disability because she was battling cancer and traveled 4 hours to be at my wedding, and give her a piece of my mind for not giving me more than $5 in a nice card! How dare she not give a $100 or more!
My mom, who suffers from Rheumatoid arthritis so horribly at 44 years old she has to use a cane to get around and is on disability because she can barely move her hands or bend her knees, didn't get me anything! I shouldn't talk to her until she learns not to be so selfish!
Seriously, when did this world become so materialistic? To expect your guests to give you more than their time to be at your wedding is greed. People gave gifts at my wedding and we really appreciated them, but we would've been happy with the fact that they came and made our wedding memorable. We were so happy to have our friends and family travel from all over the country and that we were able to see them.
We supplied food, cake and music for dancing and told everybody in our invites that we were having a dry wedding, but that didn't mean they couldn't bring their own drinks. I know everybody had a good time because the dance floor was packed all night, and very few left early. We also ended the party at 9pm so we could take off for our honeymoon and they could still go out to the bars or wherever and do their own thing.
I have been married almost two years. My husband has been in recovery several years, but we still did a dry wedding. We got married outdoors in the moutnains, had it dutch oven catered, and had four wheelers and a boat and a jeans and t-shirt wedding. People brought their own alcohol, but kept it out of sight. Out guests LOVED it because it was so different, not because they could go there and drink. The wedding is about the two people getting married, NOT about how much alcohol is provided. If you can't wait long enough to get through a wedding and not have a drink, maybe you have a problem.......
Sounds like a great day!! I soooo wanted to have a pig roast for a reception, but my husband nixed it. We did the sit down thing... everyone said it was the best wedding and reception, but really... what else could they say???
At one of my favorite weddings, the bride had 14 brothers and sisters. They didn't get the whole family together often, so they were having a great time and they were incredibly funny and incredibly nice. I had a great time but I don't even remember if there was any alcohol there. (Insert joke here about how I was too drunk to remember.) Anyway, the people make the party special, not the fancy venue or drinks!!!
Those who demand free booze at a wedding are incredibly self centered. The wedding is for the bride and groom – not the guests.
If the day is ALL about the bride and groom, then why do they invite guests? I've heard so many young couple gush about the gifts that they're expecting, and they feel that throwing a party is the way to get more gifts. I wasn't that way – I wanted my guests to have a blast, and join in our celebration – but a lot of couples think differently.
I personally don't have a problem with dry weddings, but if you're going to do that, please be respectful of my time. First, let me know it's going to be dry. Second, have it at an appropriate time, like a Sunday afternoon. Personally, if somebody has a dry wedding on a Saturday night, I'd rather see the ceremony (which is supposed to be the important part), leave a gift, give my best as I leave the church, and let the happy couple enjoy their wedding night as they see fit.
Uhm...you do realize the wedding and reception are two different things right? If you have such a big issue with being "bored" at a reception then mark "Unable to attend" on that spiffy little card when you return it and go out and party. Glad your friends are so important to you that you'd choose alcohol and partying over spending two or three hours of your evening with them. And if they aren't good friends...well...I already mentioned that spiffy little card, right?
RJ – what's up with the attitude? Why do I have to conform to your standards?? One, I said in my response that I would go to the wedding and skip the reception. So obviously I know the difference. Two, you're making it sound like I shouldn't do one without the other. I'm not sure what your background is, but I would have been more honored if my guests were at the service. Three, my friends don't have problems with alcohol and handle themselves as adults; so none of them are going to host a dry wedding. They have tact.
i agree. If its all about the bride and groom then why even invite anyone. your reception should be about celebrating the day, but also about thanking your guests for spending the time and money to be there. The last wedding i went to cost me a little over $500 plus 2 hrs of drive time each way, i think i should at least be able to have a beer or glass of wine with dinner. the last wedding i was at they couldnt afford a full open bar so they solved that by providing free beer and wine and then having a pay bar for cocktails,everyone had a great time and it didnt break their budget
The reception is a thank you to the guests for attending the wedding. The ceremony is about the bride and groom, at the reception the bride and groom are the hosts to the wedding guests. The comment about the reception being all about the bride & groom is BS. You are hosts, be gracious ones...don't pick food that only you like, don't play a certain kind of music ALL night because it's your taste and don't expect your guests to not be able to have a drink at your wedding. Be a good host, these people are going out of their way to attend your wedding, be gracious enough to make the reception pleasurable for all of your guests.
BKM "please be respectful of my time"
The couple invites you to celebrate their wedding with them. But you will attend only if you get booze? How selfish.
Truthfully, a friend like you shouldn't get an invitation!
BKM – not entirely sure if you've had your wedding yet. Those $100-$200 gift checks per couple (not per person!) don't even move the needle on what you spent per guest, open bar or not.
If I just spent $50 on a shower gift, $150 on a wedding gift, $130 on a hotel room, and took a day of vacation, can't what's in my glass be about ME? I don't get drunk at weddings, but I would like a glass of cabernet with my dinner.
How about the Bride and Grooms family that just spent 15,000.00 or more. You should be happy you were invited you selfish little twit. If someone can't enjoy themselves wfor a couple hours without a drink there are underlying problems.
don't go to the shower, engagement party, bachelorette, and wedding. Just pick and choose, or don't go at all, esp with such a bitter attitude.
While I personally don't care if a wedding's dry or has an open bar, to call someone who's just spent all of that money, time, effort and given up a vacation day to participate in a wedding a "selfish twit" is silly. In some cultures, it's considered customary to have a glass of wine with dinner. Though I think people should respect a couple if they choose to have a dry wedding for personal (own addiction or family member's addiction) or cultural reasons. I have a friend who's Muslim and she was visiting a born again Christian friend for New Years. She was in the country and I hadn't seen her for awhile, so I spent probably the first New Year's without a glass of champagne. We had some sparkling juice instead. I don't regret not having the champagne as it was good to catch up with an old friend. I had some champagne at a New Year's Day celebration with some family the next day.
the WEDDING is the for the bride & groom. the RECEPTION is for the guests.
Ceremony is about the Bridge and Groom. The reception is for the guests. Bride and groom HOST it thus they need to provide drinks. Would you charge for alcohol at any other party?
Couples who demand a free gift at a wedding are so self-centered. They should pay for their gift with "free" alcohol.
This is why smart people bring blank checks to weddings. No open bar = Original gift – (amount spent on booze)
I got married this past winter – my husband and I have enormous families (almost 600 invitees and 450 in attendence) and did not have an enormous budget – to say the wedding is for the bride and groom is a joke – its for the guests and its a reflection of you. The church was packed and we don't remember hardly anything from the recpetion except that everyone had an amazing time and danced until they were kicked out of the place. We had appetizers, dark meat, white meat, pasta, seafood, beer, wine, DJ and cake and if you are creative enough you can provide these things to your guests without burning a hole in your pocket – the wedding is ONE DAY to celebrate something that is Forever – Gracious couples lead to gracious guests who don't return the favor of inviting you out of obligation but because they actually enjoy your company. Being a selfish host is the worst attitude to take on your wedding day. People – from guests, to your wedding party, to parents, to everyone – they remember.
Sorry, but I just don't think a wedding is a place for a bar. I've been to weddings where the entire thing was ruined by one drunk. I've seen a bride vomited on by a drunk wedding guest. I've been to weddings where the cops were called in because of brawling wedding guests in the parking lot, too drunk to stand up. It's completely ridiculous. I agree with the one poster who said this day belongs to the bride and groom and if you can't get through the wedding without a drink, maybe you should reconsider attending.
I served alcohol at my wedding, but made it be known to the bartenders that I meant business when it came to over-serving people. When I saw my 17-year-old new sister-in-law drinking white wine, I had my matron of honor refresh the bartenders' memories of our conversation. Everyone had fun, got buzzed, and there was no incident. I have only been to one dry wedding in my life, and it was totally boring and short because it was dry. I have never been to a wedding where there was an incident at the reception because of alcohol. (The after-party is a different story though!)
You need some new friends.
The after-party was a different story.
People who cannot control thier drinking will act inappropriate regardless of whether you pay for thier drinks or not.
I attending a wedding where the bride was so drunk she had to be carried to the limo by the groomsmen. It was embarrassing for the guests. I've been to a wedding where the drunk father of the bride threw her in a pool in her wedding dress "for fun." I've also been to weddings where alcohol was served and everyone behaved themselves.
I agree, new friends are needed. We had a open bar for beer/wine and cash for liquor and amazingly good time was had by all, except when I settled the tab at the end of the night but it was worth it. If your friends are puking on you or starting fights at your wedding, they are lousy friends.
My husband and I had a dry wedding. We did everything else and offered a great meal, etc. But I am uncomfortable around people drinking. Several attendees were known to be belligerent when drunk and we wanted to avoid conflicts. We had a great DJ and even had a short swing dance lesson to start off the guest dancing (this was back in 2001). The vast majority of the guests, even the older generation, danced a lot and many said that it was one of the most fun weddings they had been to. A great number of these people were from the Dutch Christian Reformed tradition where they never learned to dance at all and they danced anyway.
I have heard it said that the guests will dance if the bride and groom do. We were out on the dance floor for almost every song. (We did ballroom dancing in college.) You don't need alcohol to have fun, and if you think you do, it is called an addiction.
People say that to be nice.
Maybe your wedding was as fun as you say, but do you really expect any of your guests to admit to you they were bored out of their mind? Not likely.
That would be for the guests to say, if they chose. If they're only being nice that's their prerogative. It's none of our business what anyone thinks of us if they don't want to tell us.
I can't believe I'm reading about the Dutch CRC on msnbc. Hahaha. I'm sure your wedding was great. And you're right about people thinking they need booze. SO many Americans are immature and irresponsible about booze.
nerds.
Oh boy... Listen people, nobody NEEDS alcohol to have fun. But honestly, why start a fire by rubbing sticks together when they've invented matches?
HA! Comment win!
i just rofl'd all over my pants...
Weed at a wedding? Yeah, fewer fights to begin with, but watch out when the munchies run out!
weed at a wedding is the best idea ever
Given the states of most of my friends marriages, that is the only way I would do it.
My friend actually went to a wedding where the bride made her own pot-cake. He said it was the best wedding he had ever been to!
When I got married I had been sober for less than a year. I provided wine with the meal and a champagne toast but watching a bunch of people get tanked like I've seen at most weddings would really not have been fun for me. I also had a lot of fairly traumatic experiences around alcohol when I was a kid growing up in an alcoholic home, so... double un-fun.
I love how people can unabashedly demand alcohol but would be horrified at the idea of being offered cocaine or heroin, two other dangerous and addictive drugs. Hell, I'd rather offer weed at a wedding. Fewer fights.
I completely agree. I've been to over forty grateful dead shows and have NEVER seen a fight.
cash bars are flat out rude. don't ask your guests to pay for their drinks. why not charge for their plate, cake etc... sure it can be expensive, but either limit the guest list or limit the options.
no alcohol is fine as well. but if you provide, please make it free. if you have a free open bar, and are concerned about "snookered" people, get a trained bartender/security who can cut people off.
Open Bar?!? No. I'm not providing a venue for people to get drunk at my wedding in two months. If they want to drink, they can pay for it. I would hope, since my Lady and I didn't invite everyone under the sun, but rather just close friends and family, that should they choose to attend, they remember why they are there – to help us celebrate our union as a couple.
I've been sober for about a year now, and it doesn't bother me in the least when I see other people drink. It does bother me though when I see people who remind me of what I must have been like. Rude, crude, inappropriate, dirty, stinking (from either the booze or a poor bathroom cleanup). Never again.
If your goal is only to get some free booze when even house parties are always BYOB, then you are not welcome and likely will not be missed. It feels weird at first, I admit, but it is possible to have some actual fun without poisoning your body. The fights, arguments over nothing, and other silliness will definitely not be missed.
I agree totally. When we were married my husbands father had been sober for just a few years, so out of respect for him we had a no-alcohol wedding. It was still a beautiful day - even our drinker friends who had to stay 'dry' had a good time.
**side note, only got to go to one grateful dead show & the biggest "fight" we saw was a chick trying to get her snapple back from her boyfriend :)**
If there are people in Recovery here trying to advocate a dry wedding... shame shame. Life on life's terms folks, and that means NOT pushing your agenda to influence others. You'll find it in a life raft at sea if you want it, proximity has nothing to do with sobriety.
That being said.... The fact you did it out of respect for your father is awesome. I had a friend do it for me once and it had the opposite effect. I felt like a cancer patient. "Where is the beer?"....... and then EVERYONE gets the same story. That was just me.... sounds like your father had a different experience, but if your going to "honor" someone by making a dry event..... there could be unintended consequences........
It was your wedding and everyone had a great time.
Let me tell you something. If I was at your DRY wedding, I would tell you exactly how lovely and fun it was to your face, and then turn my head and wish I was at a gyno appt instead'
I went to my nieces dry wedding and it was wonderful. I went to honor her marriage. I think we are too jaded nowadays with the "its my day", and huge weddings. My niece invited people that are truley honored to be part of her expression of love and commitment. She did not freak out or gop bridezilla, because she was just truley happy to be marrying her best friend and having her family share in her joy. A dry wedding is much better then a pay bar.
Frankie, I am dry, but I would never advocate a dry wedding. Honestly I sometimes had a good time after a few drinks, and respect others who can do so and put down the glass after several drinks. What I object to is some of the comments here that seem to assume that a marriage, one of the most joyous and (for some people) holy days on our lifetime calendars is an excuse to turn it into a free-for-all frat party.
It's my wedding and I will have it the way I want. Champagne is free, two bottle per table. Other drinks are available over there at the bar at market rate. One thing I noticed – not including an open bar reduces insurance costs by about 75%, and allows us to bump up the quality of the meal considerably. And it isn't about gifts either (at least for my soon-to-be wife and I). We want people to have a good time. I won't drink, but my Lady will likely have a couple glasses of wine.
Cheers all, and enjoy your drinks responsibly.
The happy couple make $200,000 a year, I am at proverty (lol) making about $24,000 a year. I paid for 2 airline tickets, hotel, gift of $100 and new dress,shoes etc etc etc. If I had known it was a cash bar/aunt something or other cooking, small wedding maybe 40 people. I would of stayed home. This is an insult to me that the cheap bastards couldn't buy me a beer/wine with dinner. I have resented them ever since lol. NEVER AGAIN
Really? You can't comprehend why people would think it odd to serve cocaine or heroin at a wedding? Stay sober my friend.
It's surprising to me that people just don't seem to understand that, "Drugs are drugs". The legality of the issue is irrelevant.
@easy ed – Haha forget legality. Do you think alcohol is in the same boat as cocaine and heroin? "Drugs are drugs" does not apply. Obviously some are very different than others. If coffee was served, I hope it was decaf. Caffeine is a drug...
Uh alcohol = heroine and cocaine? really? Alcohol is a drug, but it has also been part of European, African, and Asian cultures for longer then your religion has existed. Heroine and cocaine are not accepted in most cultures and the purchase of these illegal substances fuels unneccesary conflicts in places like Columbia and Afghanistan. Sure alcohol causes problems too, but i'd rather come back from a jets game with a black eye then know i contributed to some children having to watch their parents get murdered by taliban thugs or some Columbian authorities get carbombed by guerrilas..
@Mookster: MY religion? I'm sober. I haven't talked to imaginary sky people in a long time now. Anyway, the illegal status of those drugs is what are causing those people's deaths, not anything to do with the nature of the drugs themselves. We tried prohibition before, remember, and it had the same result. Now you can go get that black eye at the game but you don't have to pay blackmarket criminals for the beer!
I definitely agree. I'm getting married next month and am in a pretty similar boat. I know how some of my family members can get with too much alcohol, and I just don't want to take the chance of having someone potentially ruin the most important day of my life. And I hope people respect that. If having to pay for alcohol is enough to keep someone from coming to my wedding, then I don't want them there anyway. And when the time comes for me to return the favor for a friend or family member, I will respect whatever they choose to do.
Most important day of your life? A piece of advice from a married person – the day of your wedding is no more important than each day of your marriage. It's something you need to work on and respect daily. Yes, you are making a commitment (and dropping a lot of cash) on your wedding day, but it's honoring and respecting that commitment that's important. Anyone can make a promise, but not everyone can keep one. So don't blow it out of proportion and think that your life will be ruined if Aunt Glenda has three glasses of wine and gets a little tipsy. Just remember that people are paying hundreds (if not thousands) of dollars to attend your wedding, you are a host as well as a bride, and that it is gracious to accommodate the needs/wishes of your guests.
Oh, and not to mention, it's a touch bridezilla to not let any of your guests drink for fear of ruining your "perfect" day. Even without alcohol, things can (and will) go wrong. It's a fact of life. Accept that your wedding won't be perfect, and you'll save yourself a lot of grief.
Are you serious? Beer, drinks and wine are LEGAL. Cocaine and such are NOT. What a stupid comparison.
JJ- though I don't really agree with InRecovery's point, your response had nothing of value in terms of a rebuttal. InRecovery was referring to the harmful and addictive effects of similar drugs, legality is completely arbitrary- alcohol companies put so much money into our government to keep it legal, but it could easily be made illegal like cocaine and heroin. Alcohol (like cocaine and heroin) can kill in one use, have long-lasting deteriorating effects, and be extremely addictive.
Oh really? Is that what InRecovery said? Or was that just your interpretation of it?
And to clarify my response further, there is a BIG difference between having a glass or two of Merlot with dinner versus snorting a line of blow during the best man's speech
The BIG difference is that society approves of one and not the other. Alcohol accounts for more misery, addiction, and death then cocaine could ever dream of.
JJ54 – you are an argumentative idiot. That's not just one person's interpretation of what she said, that is what she meant. Anyone with a higher than elementary school comprehension of the English language could grasp that.
DFG, I have an education, and no, I am not an idiot. In fact, I am back in college and have a 3.9 for your information. So a big f u on that one. I am simply defending my opinion on the situation. Not everyone is, or gets addicted to alchohol as any human would with drugs like cocaine. I just think it was a stupid comparison. But, you are entitled to your opinion too.
Why are you so defensive?
You wouldn't be defensive if someone implied you were an idiot with no more than an elementary education when that is just the opposite? It just hit a wrong button and was bad timing; Brett Farve isn't coming back this season – and I had just heard the news, that's all.
It's also illegal to drive over the speed limit but I bet you do that. Laws are laws.
I am a DJ. I tell all of the bride and grooms that the receptions is the present you give to your guests for showing up and supporting your unity. Basically having a boring reception is like giving someone a battery operated toy for christmas but no body makes batteries anymore. what the hell is the point.
Hence, we don't have DJ/Wedding Planners. What does a DJ know about anything anyway, except maybe 100 songs?
Any 'DJ' that offers me 'advice' is likely to be overlooked when the shortlist is finished. A DJ provides the music and shuts up. That's it. Unless you are Adam Sandler. And I'm pretty sure you are not.
ahaha paul got pwnd by rob p
I think DJs are tacky. Pay for a live band, PLEASE.
I don't get it. Since when is ANYONE entitled to alcohol? I like a good martini any time but would never assume that I can only celebrate a friend's union if they get me buzzed.
Having recently attended a wedding where no alcohol was served, because the bride and groom just aren't drinkers, it was a beautiful, loving ceremony and the fact that I didn't get shnockered for free didn't diminish that we were there to celebrate their joining of lives.
It's incredibly selfish of anyone to think that accepting an invitation and climbing on a plane means you can demand booze. If you have to get drunk to enjoy it, there is a problem.
InRecovery – you have to keep in mind that people who are able to control their drinking don't think about alcohol the same was as they think about cocaine or heroin because they don't get out of control and can decide when to stop drinking. Sorry, but for the vast majority of us, there is a big difference between responsible, legal drinkers and a room full of mandatory-minimum felonies being committed by junkies.
Exactly on target. Well said.
rationalized like a true addict. well said, indeed...
The issue here is one of choice. A host or the wedding couple can either choose to subject themselves to the risks, emotional, financial and otherwise, of holding an event in which alcohol is available; or offer the best possible event while maintaining their own comfort level and a warm and inviting atmosphere for all guests.
The wedding industry may demand that alcohol be served, but it is by no means required and, depending on the budget and the theme of the wedding, the alcohol can be the first item on the block for many couples. It should not be a dealbreaker for guests in their decision to attend and, if it is, perhaps the couple is better off without such guests.
A wedding guest who expects recovering-alcoholic hosts (or friends and families of alcoholics) to suffer the emotional turmoil of a drinking environment on top of the stress of the wedding itself clearly cares little for their hosts, as far as I'm concerned. In the end, it remains the hosts' choice how the wedding is to look, feel, sound, smell and taste; while guests' comfort may be a consideration it should not be the only one, or even the primary one. Your choices are outlined in the reply card you received with your invitation.
i got sober 3 years ago but none of my friends did. i would never throw a party and invite them all without providing them with all they can drink. i even provide them with beer when i have them over for poker. this way everyone's happy.
DO you think they come for the free booze or to see you?
You are an enabler. Just once, tell them you are out of beer and see who suddenly has excuses to not keep company with you.
Do you think you are keeping your 'cool friend' status by giving them free booze? I think you have missed the point about sobriety and about keeping respect. Any real friend would ask permission EVERY TIME before drinking in front of you, even if they know the permission is implied. Read your steps over again and rework the program. You fail at resapecting yourself if you have to buy your friends loyalty with booze.
Rob P, I have a number of family members in AA and I've gone to Al-Anon. Whenever anyone begins recovery, whether initially or from a relapse, I don't drink in front of them at first. I'll wait until they seem secure in their recovery and ask. And even then, I don't get drunk. We're talking a beer at a microbrewery or a glass of wine with dinner. Generally the resposnes is go ahead and they tell me not to worry about asking them again. So I take issue with you comment about how a real friend would ask each and every time. In fact, I think you may be taking Ryan's inventory without realizing it. I've never had anyone say no, but would completely respect it if they did. After that initial ok, it's up to the person in recovery to say something if they have an issue with someone drinking in front of them.
My addiction is overeating. I can't keep certain trigger foods in my home like chips and icecream in my home because I will binge on them. But I do sometimes provide them for guests (I wait 'til the day of or the day before so it won't be in the house long). I don't expect everyone around me to ask for permission to eat chips, ice cream, a slice of pizza in front of me.
PS The microbreweries are part of restaurants and the restaurants were selected by the people in recovery. I'd never knowingly suggest a brewery to someone in recovery! My next door neighbor used to enjoy wine. I didn't know that and had suggested a wine bar for an evening out to celebrate her graduation. When she explained she stopped drinking, I suggested another alternative. She didn't go into detail why she quit, but when the restaurant we went to had a cocktail I liked, I asked her if it was ok before I ordered it. I would have been ok with skipping it if she had a problem. I was treating her for graduation, but if we were splitting the bill, I'd pay more to cover the cost.
As for weddings themselves, I don't care if they're dry or open bar. But I do think cash bar is kind of tacky. Sort of like having filet mignon on the menu, but charging guests who eat that because you can't afford it or it clashes with your vegetarian beliefs. Either have it or don't or scale it back, just don't charge people for it. Besides when I'm at a wedding, I'm usually driving home or taking a plane or long car ride the next day. I don't want to drive drunk or be hung over the next day, so we're not talking heavy duty consumption.
You could probably find the coke and H through conversation with the wedding guests. Just head into the bathroom for a bump and you're all set.
Maybe they should just have one joint per person, as favors, at the dining table! Get the alcohol outta here. It causes TROUBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an open bar at my wedding in May and paid for 150 people. 75 who RSVP'd didn't show and the rest who did didn't gift very well. If i had to do it over again I would have a cash bar. Or get a better class of friends.
I'd go with new friends on this one. The RUDEST thing you can do to a bride and groom is RSVP and not show (barring emergency of course). The fact that half of your guests didn't show up is awful. My condolences. I hope married life if going well for you!
In many states, a bartender and be held criminally liable for an act that a drunk patron has committed after leaving his bar. I'm quite sure that also estends to parties and such. Imagine a new bride and groom having to be arrested because one of their guests drank way too much, left the party, got into his/her car and killed somebody.
If I were to host the reception of a wedding, either as the bride's family or the groom, I would allocate 3 alcoholic beverages to each legal-age guest, appropriate wine/wines with dinner, and chanpagne for the traditional toast.
Of course, if the reception was simply a brunch or just hor dourves, then make changes accordingly.
for everybody who thinks they know what Jesus thinks about cash bars, hogwash. You haven't a clue nor does anyone else. Why do people think they can twist a few of His words around and know what He would have said 2000 years later?
never thought of that reasoning! makes sense. we just don't believe in drinking, so i was only thinking religious reasonings. i had a grand turnout at our reception- 350 people- and not a drop of alcohol in sight. but the cake was so good people were talking about it years later ;0)
good for you! it IS your day, after all. the average wedding costs upward $25k. weddings used to be simpler with the bride and groom being better off afterward. now, they're choosing between a down payment on a home or impressing a bunch of ungrateful guests that you may or may not even know in 5 years time. why waste your blood, sweat, and tears on these people with your hard earned money when cousin laura is just gonna complain about your gaudy decorations or economic wine choices anyway? i say have a small ceremony with only close relatives (leaving out cousin laura you never talk to), celebration at a restaurant, and use the rest of the money to start your life together after a wonderful honeymoon. you will thank me. one day for $35k? i don't think so.